Sunset On The Reza Show

Normally I don't do blogs on any of the shows on Bravo because so many blogs are already dedicated to these shows and are done much better than I could ever hope to do.  This blog is not a recap of last nights episode but rather my response to the very ignorant and offensive remarks made by Reza Farahan last night on the show, The Shahs of Sunset.

Last night, in one fell swoop, Reza managed to get himself put on my "Your A Rank Bitch" list.  He remarked that "monogamy in the gay community was like don't ask, don't tell.  As long you don't come home with something you didn't leave with your okay."  As soon as I got done picking my chin up off of the floor I got angry.  I was thinking, "who the hell does this fucktard think he is to be speaking on behalf of the entire gay community?"  That is certainly not how I nor any of my gay friends view monogamy.  Reza, who is one of the few openly gay Persians in the  Beverly Hills real estate scene should know better than to make such an ignorant remark.  It just supports and give validity to stigmas that surround and get slung at the gay community.

It is these types of images, stereotypes and stigmas which are used by those who oppose gay equality.  Basically, it portrays gay men as some sort of sex crazed animal who is morally bankrupt.  I am so tired of having to live down the stigma that all gay men are narcissistic, shallow peacocks who run around having wild sex and don't deserve to be treated with respect.  It just pisses me off.

My being gay is only one aspect of my personality.  It is not who I am nor what defines me.  All my homosexuality does it add a little flavor to the person I am.  So when I see or hear gay men, a prominent gay men, like Reza make such stupid, ignorant remarks my blood boils.  Reza doesn't live in the real world.  He lives in world where anything can be overlooked if you have enough money.  For the rest of poor schlubs who live and work in the real world, we will have to suffer the consequences of Reza's remarks. 

Reza looks like the pudgy love child of Saddam Hussein and Adolf Hitler.  He dresses like a peacock on crack.  What attracts people to Reza is a mask of superficiality and cockiness that covers up all the years of probable teasing he took as a fat, Persian kid without a father who grew up in Beverly Hills.  In his bio, on Bravo TV's website its says, "Born in Tehran, Iran, and raised in Beverly Hills, Reza is a 38-year-old prominent player in the Los Angeles real estate world. He is one of few openly gay Persians in the community and often struggles with gossip and prejudice regarding his sexuality. Reza’s family supports him in spite of the pressure they feel to ostracize him. Despite his untraditional style, Reza is an old fashioned guy at heart who wants a partner, a family, and the American White Picket Fence happy ending, but he is going to have to get past the baggage he carries from his upbringing to achieve it."

"Untraditional" style?  Are you kidding me?  Reza is a self-loathing, emotionally stunted idiot.  Reza, "an old fashioned guy at heart who wants a partner, a family and the the American white picket fence happy ending?"  Who the hell isn't buying that bullshit?  Great way to put a spin on the asshole that is Reza.  According to Reza, the cut off for being the gay town pump is 55.   For someone who is  Reza's age, this type of behavior is beyond insipid, its embarrassing.  Its embarrassing to watch this man think a 25 year old finds him attractive.  Trust me when I tell you, that little twink in the club is not seeing Reza's eyes, ass or bulge.  They don't want to get to know him.  What they want is his Cartier watch, the Gucci shoes and all that comes with his money, they are seeing his bling and are doing the math.  Reza is delusional if he thinks he is pretty.  He is not.   Reza walks around with enough cockiness that it will draw in  people but in the end most people will see him for what his is, a sad, damaged little man.  

This behavior will bite him in the ass.  I have seen it happen many times.  Reza will end up, as MJ said to him, "you will end up old and alone if you continue to act like this" and he will.  Wealth can buy many things but true love, loyalty and happiness are not for sale.   I see Reza in 20 years, fatter, older and in a panic because the youth he attracts to easily and uses to cover his emotional damage now will cost him much more at 58 than at 38.  Desperateness is not attractive.

We are watching Reza date a man, Adam.  Adam is handsome and appears to be sweet.  As we all know, this current season is filmed months ago, so I don't know if they are still dating.  We are watching as Reza publicly humiliates this man.  If they are still dating my best advice to Adam is this,  "Adam honey, run.  Run like the wind and never look back.  This guy is a douche lord."

Reza has shown me and I am sure the world at this point, what an epic miss as human he really his.  His false bravado and self-loathing behavior is not cute, funny nor attractive.  I am disgusted with him.  I have gone from fan to hater in under 60 minutes.  I will no longer pull any punches for this man.  He is on my radar and I no longer feel the need to temper my words for him.  Its on Reza, like Donkey Kong.  I will continue to watch the train wreck you are because who doesn't love to watch a jerk get his comeuppance.  It makes for good TV.

I was hoping Reza would be a positive role model for the gay community.  I am sure many within the Persian community were feeling the same way.  In the end though, the only thing Reza represents on this show is every stigma the rest of us in the gay community spent the last 20 years trying to live down.  For me, the sun has set on the Reza Farahan show.

Over The Rainbow

I am sitting at my desk this morning, coffee in hand and cig burning in the ashtray beside me.  I am watching the Benitez children goofing around as they wait for the their bus to come.  They are of the same age as those little darlings who were so gruesomely murdered on Friday in the Shady Hook Elementary school in Newtown, CT.

I see them laughing, pushing and teasing each other and I feel thankful they are being children.  Filled with happiness and mischief, as all children should be.  I am sure I am joined by the entire world in our grief for the innocent children who were taken from us and those adults who also were slain while trying to protect our greatest gifts.  Watching my neighbors children in some small way reaffirms life for me.

I think I am so affected because like so many, I was sitting in front of my TV when the horrific news broke.  I don't want to to go into details as I think we have all been traumatized enough.  I will say those first unfiltered images were hideous and I hope they are consigned to the back of a closet in the news rooms they came from.

Newtown, CT is a small town very much like my own town of Torrington, CT.  Torrington is nestled in the northwest Hills of Connecticut.    At the right you will see a pic of downtown Torrington at the turn of the century.  It hasn't changed.  We are a population of approximately 28k people.  We are a sleepy little village, not really a town in its feel but rather a village.  As you can see from the picture at the right, we haven't changed that much.  Our main street, anchored with the our lovingly restored Warner Theater Movie Palace is quintessential New England.

I think that is why we, in Torrington were so touched and are grieving for our neighboring town of Newtown.  Newtown is but 30 miles down the road from us.  We share so much in common.

In the past few days I cannot help but to keep imagining the horror and fear those children and adults inside that school must have felt.  Even now the tears fall.  I feel so powerless to stop what happened and I feel even more powerless to help those who have had their lives forever changed.  Powerless is not a feeling I like to have.

I remember other tragedies such as 9/11 and other school shootings and while I felt many of the same feelings of outrage and sadness, this one hit just a little too close to home.  This one, like the Federal Building bombing in Oklahoma City took the lives of sweet innocent children.  The single most defenseless portion of our society.  I think this is why I and all of us grieve that much deeper and I am sure that much longer.

Do things need to change?  Sure.  I have my thoughts and feeling on gun control, mental health parity, and better access to mental health/medical services as well as, instituting some sort of mental health court system to better deal with those who are afflicted with a mental illness.  I don't think locking away those with severe mental illness is an answer.  I would like to see some form of prevention so that events like this don't have to happen.  I don't know.  Nor do I feel I can attempt to have the discussions I know we need to have to ensure this doesn't happen again.

I know my heart is heavy.   I have moments when I feel almost normal and then a song, a news clip reminds me of the suffering that is going on just a few miles away.  I cannot help but weep again for all those affected by the shootings.

When I get sad music seems to soothe me and help lift my spirit.  This morning I thought of a song "Over The Rainbow"  originally sung by Judy Garland for the movie, Wizard of Oz but it was covered by a man, Israel kamakawiwo'ole or IZ as he was known.  Its a beautiful version of a song that I feel brings much comfort to me.  Its just IZ singing the song in his own way, with a Ukelele strumming in the background.  I have included a link to the YouTube video.  Please take a listen, I think you will also find this song and IZ's voice very soothing. http://youtu.be/VmCcNKd58Aw

I know those in Newtown will find a way to move forward and I know I will too.  The only way I know to over the great sadness and grief I feel is to love a little deeper, do more good and to remember those who lives were snatched from us far to early.  I will simply end with a Namastae or Zei Gezunt, in Peace.

Say My Name

I really don't know how to start this blog.  Its strange for me, of all people, to stumble for a way to convey my thoughts or feelings, but here we are.  I was originally born, Lucien Loren Scott.  The first born son of Lucien Oliver Scott and the the third son of Linda Kress Fischer.  This was my mother's second marriage and my father's first.  It didn't last very long.  A year and a few months to be exact.  They divorced and my mother moved back to Connecticut in pursuit of starting over.

Anyhow, eventually my mother met a new man.  They met at the factory where they both worked.  Charles E. Simpson was his name.  Charlie or Dobbs, as he was nicknamed,  was one of those stand up men a women is truly blessed to have come into their lives.  They married and life was good for a while.  Charlie didn't care that I was another man's son.  He treated me as his own.  We were close.  My biological father was no where to be found.  He never sent a card, a present and certainly never any child support.  All of that never mattered to Charlie, my Dad.  He just was proud to have me as a son.  A few years later my little sister came along, Wendy Lynn.  

When I started school my mother decided to keep with her whole contrived story of being a vestal virgin and my having a different last name that was different from hers wasn't going to make her story believable.  So my Mother did what any liar would do.  She simply changed my last name.  This was the 1970's and I am sure it was easy.  I became known as Lucien Loren Simpson, or Loren Simpson as my mother refused to utter the name Lucien.  That my friends is how this saga all began.  

Earlier this year my drivers license was getting ready to expire.  I dreaded going to Motor Vehicles and standing in line forever and getting another one of those ugly DMV pictures.  When my number was finally called I went up to the window with my birth certificate (in the name of Lucien Loren Scott), my Social Security card (in the name of Lucien Loren Simpson) and my drivers licence.  The clerk looked at all 3 forms of ID and asked the same old question I had heard my entire life.  "Why is your birth certificate and Social Security card different?"  I explained that my mother had changed my name and somehow gotten my social security number with the last name of Simpson.  The clerk then called over a supervisor and they both had very confused looks.  The supervisor explained with all the new laws that had been enacted since the 9/11 attacks.  State issued ID's and driver's licenses had to be "verified."   Basically, this meant that everything had to match and be verifiable.  I was stunned.  

This hit me like a ton of bricks.  I could no longer drive, take a plane, a train or leave the country.  I was in fact, unable to prove my citizenship.  I felt like a non-person.  I went home.  Dejected, angry and worried.  I know the laws in Virginia/D.C. region require a person to produce state issued ID upon request from a police officer and failure do to so can result in being arrested until you can prove your identity.  So now the scared feeling set in.

Being a para-legal by trade, I knew a simple name change is easy.  The problem I had was that I had actually never really existed under my birth name.  I had gone to school, college and worked under my now illegal name.  So I actually had nothing from my birth name other than my birth certificate.  

Last month I went down to the Probate Office at our local town hall.  I knew if I spoke with the Probate Judge's assistants I would find out what I was actually up against.  I was told to bring down 2 forms of ID, $150.00 and my long form birth certificate.  That was all I would need.

Today I did all just that.  I filled out the requested forms, paid my fee and went before the Probate Judge.  I was scared and feeling alone but was bound, set and determined to get this matter dealt with before the end of the year.  The Judge asked a few questions and I answered and then he stamped my application and it was done.  Lucien L. Scott was no more.  I would now and forever be known as Lucien L. Simpson.  The clerk handed me a couple of papers and explained what I would have to show the DMV to prove my name change.  I thanked every one and was about to leave when the Judge stepped over to me and said, "I knew your Dad, we went to school together, how is he?"  I told the judge that we lost my Dad 11 years ago to a massive heart attack.  The Judge said he was sorry and that my Dad always spoke highly of me when they would go golfing.  I think I teared up when he said that.  We shook hands and I left.

As i walked home I know I had a smile on my face.  The relief was apparent in the quickness of my step.  I had a name.  The name I always had but now it really was my name.  It was the name of the only man I ever truly trusted and respected.  When I got home and sat down on my bed I started to cry.  The house was quiet and the tears just flowed.  Dad and I had a rocky road.  I blamed him for all the physical abuse I had endured from my mother.  I blamed him for not stopping it.  I had blamed him for not stopping the sexual abuse I suffered.  Dad and I warred well into my 30's.  It wasn't an easy relationship to say the least.  

Somewhere in my mid 30's I moved to Virginia.  Dad and Mom would come down every year for a visit. One year Dad and I had an explosive fight.  It all started over my Mother.  He didn't like the way I was talking to her.  Dad and I exchanged ugly words for what seems hours.  Of course Mom enjoyed the whole event.  She always loved to pit one against the other when it came to us.  I don't know how it happened but that night I ended up in his arms asking what I ever did to him to make him not love me?  

This was the only time I ever saw that man cry.  He looked at me and said he didn't hate me, that he indeed loved me and was always so proud of me.  When I asked why he allowed to happen what did, he said he didn't know how to stop any of it.  He said he too had been molested as a young boy by a family member.  He begged for my forgiveness.  We just cried together.  It was the single most important moment of my life as a man, a boy and a person.  

I, of course, accepted and gave him the forgiveness.  We healed that night.  Two men, a father and his son.  All the years of resentment, anger and misunderstandings faded away.  We started to get to know each other as people, as men.  I finally had the father I always wanted and I hope he felt like he had the son he always wanted.  We talked weekly.  There were even time when he and a couple of his golf buddies would come down to play golf at some of the great public golf courses we have in Virginia Beach.  Just good times and great memories.

Of course Mother would always be trying to drive the old wedge between us but we never allowed it.  We enjoyed each other.  I would take him to hooters to see some "Boobies" and he tried to get to know the gay world, like watching Queer As Folk with me.  I still laugh as I watched him squirm all over that couch when two men kissed.  What an act of love huh?  Our time as friends, as parent and child was short.  Dad died of a massive heart attack on September 28, 2001.

So as I sat on my bed all of these thoughts were going around and around in my head.  I hoped that Dad was looking down and smiling.  I miss his "you've done good kid, real good, I am proud of you."  The tears have yet to stop.  I don't know why this is so affecting me.  Maybe because I wish I had done this while he was alive?  Maybe because I am a Simpson now?  Maybe just because I miss his big arm around me? I don't know.  Maybe I am just an emotional gay man?  Who knows?

So, at the end of it all, a name is not really just a name.  Its the feelings and history that comes with it.  I am proud to be the last Simpson to carry on the name.  I understand I very well may be the last male to use it in this family but I will, as Illana Angel, of Keeping The Faith Blog, says, be keeping the faith because who knows what the future brings.  

Torch & Twang And A Set of Dimples

I as sit and gaze out my window from my desk I am flooded with so many different reactions to things I have seen in the last week or so.

Lets begin with the never ending Leann Rimes saga.  I have always like Leann's voice.  Amazing set of pipes on that little lady.  She stopped me dead in my tracks years ago when I heard her single "Blue" on the radio.  I have followed her career and was happy when she married and seemed to be not following the Tanya Tucker route of self destruction, which is so common for entertainers who achieve stardom so early.  Recently, however, I have stopped, paused and even gotten sick to my stomach as this woman has pissed, moaned and sniveled her way across far too many tabloid sheets for my taste.  I followed her on Twitter and watched this selfish, self-absorbed creature try to garner sympathy for the hurtful, nasty actions she has done.

Lets face the facts, Eddie and Leann met on a film.  They had an attraction.  They both claim, for whatever reason, "nothing happened during the filming."  The commenced a tawdry affair after the film though, so I don't get why they made that distinction?  They divorced their spouses and married each other.  Those are the facts.

Okay, so Eddie cheated on his wife and Leann cheated on her husband.  Call me old fashioned but I think they are both scumbags.  I am also a realist.  In reality, people fall in and out of like.  I have and I am sure who ever is reading this has.  The honorable thing would have been for Leann and Eddie to go back to their respective spouses and tell them they wanted out.  Again, color me a prude, but when you make a commitment, such as marriage, its not always about love.  Its a commitment to be with another.

In talking with some older folks who have been married, 30, 40 or 50 years, I hear a common theme.  The theme being about commitment and respect.  "Love is an emotion that can consume everything" one man told me.  His name was Andy.  He spoke to me at length about how he loved his wife beyond words when they married.  I peppered him with questions about his marriage.  He told me, after 15 years felt he was no longer "in love with her" but still loved her as the mother of his children and as a person.  He also related how after love came friendship and companionship.  Sharing mutual goals in life.  He said he always respected his wife and feels that was the crucial aspect that kept them together.  He is still married, 46 years now.  When I asked how he felt about his wife now I was stunned by his response.  "We fell in love, married, had children, and both fell out of what we thought was love.  We then became friends, partners and caretakers of each other's lives.  Once the children were grown we found no other person on the planet new us better than we knew each other.  No one loved us so completely unconditionally as we did.  I thought we were in love 50 years ago but that wasn't love, it was infatuation."

At this point I reached out and touched this man's wrinkled hand and just looked into his eyes.  I was having one of my many "holy fuck" moments.  I really was stunned into almost silence, but come on, this is me, I am never silent, really.  He continued to tell me that love is a process.  You have have attraction and from there, depending on the people involved you grow into love.  He told me he loves his wife with his entire being and couldn't even conceptualize a life without her in it.  He admits to having an affair, as did his wife.  This was one of the many low points in their marriage.  For him, love is trial and error, mistakes and forgiveness.  Living with a person, respecting them, growing together as people and as individuals is how he defined his concept of love.  You know, at this point, I had to ask he would marry me.  He laughed and said my perfect partner will come along.

This man and others prove to me that my understanding of love is commitment.  Commitment is a higher human emotion that is, quite frankly, forgotten lately.  I think divorce is a very real option for people when they just simply cannot work things out.  Sometimes it is better to separate and move on in life.  I also think there is a correct way to do it where the hurt is mitigated and lives do not have to be destroyed.

This is my issue with Leann and Eddie and, to be very honest, many people.  They have their desert before their dinner arrives.  Okay, so Leann and Eddie met, had an attraction.  So what?  Did they have to act on it?  No.  They could have very simply put their loins on hold and had the conversation with their respective spouses and set about ending their marriages before getting together.

I was in a relationship with Brad.  It was, at best, a rocky relationship.  Then I met Michael.  It was instant chemistry.  My body was on fire for this man.  I could not get enough of him.  We would see each other out and just talk.  Nothing more than a shoulder rub or eye contact ever happened.  I wanted to be with him every minute of every day.  Then came the night when he reached out and kissed me.  I still remember that kiss.  I have never been kissed that way again.  I pulled away and was filled with shame.  We talked about how I was in a relationship with Brad and I couldn't do this, I just couldn't.  We agreed to be just friends.

My relationship with Brad ended 6 months later.  I remember walking up to Michael one night and proudly announcing I was single.  I think we ran to his car to have sex.  We eventually moved in together.      We lasted about a year and half.  At the time I would have told you I loved Michael like I loved no other before him.  I can see now that it wasn't love, it was simply and overwhelmingly, an all consuming attraction.  Chemical or emotional it was there..woof.  I still get a tingle when I think of him.

I left Michael because his views on life, love and respect just weren't the same as mine.  We shared very little other than great sex and the ability to argue each other to death.  I miss Michael and wish him well.  I would love to still have him as a friend but he is unable to do that.  I respect that about him.

Back to task.  Leann and Eddie destroyed lives.  They have hurt their ex spouses and dare I say, traumatized Eddies children.  I watched the show on E! about Leann.  This is a very self-indulgent little lady.  I sat gobsmacked in front of my TV as she rationalized her part in such a public, hurtful situation.  The fake tears, the poetic pauses where well choreographed to do what Leann does best, perform.

Her explanation for her traumatic 30 days in Twitter rehab made me sick.  I heard her use the phrases I myself have heard a million times.  "Its strong to reach out for help."  When asked if she had any regrets about her actions, her reply is that she doesn't like the word regret, people "misuse" it.  Of course she doesn't like the word, if she did have regrets that would be a form of admitting she was wrong and she is very, very unwilling to do that.  That unto itself, tells me volumes about her and her character or lack thereof.

I am currently blocked by Leann on Twitter.  I guess she doesn't like my brand of in your face your wrong bitch tweets.  I don't buy the shit she tweets about love, light and rainbows.  Its BS, Nashville style.  Her tweets about another woman's children send me into another orbit of hatred for Leann.  She tweets pictures of Brandi and Eddie's boys in potentially dangerous situations and then when the public reacts, she downplays the seriousness of her thoughtless actions.  This is not a woman I would allow around my houseplants, let alone my children.

One day while reading about another one of Leann's bonehead moves it dawned on me.  Where the hell is Eddie in all of this?  Why is he so exempt from all the tabloid fodder?  He has his part in all this.  Why are people not holding his feet to same fire as they are doing to Leann.  If I was her, I would be pissed off, to say the least.  So why not Eddie.  My conclusion is that we still live in a very sexist society.  The man can cheat and leave, but its the mistress that is the whore, home wrecker.  Not very evolved if you ask me.  When it comes to the children, where the hell is this guy?  Usually quietly sitting off to the side, with his dimples intact smiling and looking oh so handsome.  Gross.  Meanwhile Leann is taking all the heat?  Like her not, what I am seeing is not very fair.

I don't like Leann anymore.  I refuse to support her music because of the hurtful and manipulative way she leads her personal life.  Her behavior on Twitter is repulsive.  Here is a little bit of reality Leann, PR is good for selling a product not erasing your responsibility in hurting others.  You will never spin yourself into being a good, kind, decent person.  Your relationship with your "soul mate" is born out of dishonesty and will probably end there as well.  You lack any part of what I consider to be good character traits to even have me view you as a decent person.  Ditto for you Eddie and even more so since Leann wasn't the first woman you stepped outside of your marriage with.

So I end this blog with just a thought.  Heed my friend Andy's advice.  Commit to honoring, respecting, and growing with another person.  Treat them well.  Forgive them when necessary.  For all that hard work you will be rewarded with a true and enduring love that will make you feel alive.

Nuclear Reaction - Taylor Armstrong

I found my reaction this evening to Taylor Armstrong to be well...over the top, even for me.  I had an actual physical reaction to her.  The way she moves, speaks and interacts with the other ladies on the show just makes me angry.  I am not an angry person by nature, but this woman just reaches in and tweaks the snot out of me.  I don't like it.

I am sure most of my followers, who love my funny tweets, noticed that I was off tonight.  I was.  In thinking about my reaction to Taylor I have come to some conclusions.  First, the fact that she is a con-artist bothers me.  Followed by her innate ability to see the flaws in others while completely ignore the glaringly obvious ones in herself.  She is pathological liar.  All of these are the reasons why I do not like this woman.

From the moment she started hinting she was abused I didn't believe her.  Her actions and interactions told me she was more likely to be an abuser than abused.  All the episodes where she gets drunk and attacks the other members of the show told me she was not abused.  This is not to say that abused people do not drink or get high.  They do and probably for good reasons.  It was the way she drank and the level of violence she exhibited when acting out with the other women that told me, if anything, she and  Russell were violent with each other.

What I realized tonight is my anger comes from her lying about being abused.  In a confusing and fucked up way, I felt her lying about being abused somehow diminished my own past abuse.  I realized that is not the case.  Taylor can lie and get people to buy her bullshit, but...but at the end of the day its just that, bullshit.  Her behavior will never diminish my past trauma nor anyone else's for that matter.  Progress right?

What does concern me is that her behavior will diminish the very real and present danger that every person, no matter their age, sex or economics, face.  That the public will see this succubi and her bullshit and become desensitized to the whole domestic violence situation.  She is on national TV.  She is currently the face of domestic violence or so she wants us to believe.  The only other person I can think of is RiRi (Rhianna) and her on and off again boyfriend Fist (Chris) Brown.  Another not so good example for the millions to see.

Could I be wrong about Taylor?  Sure.  Do I think I am?  Hell no!  This is how I see it.  Shauna Hughes, aka Taylor Hughes, aka Taylor Armstrong and Russell worked together to defraud and cheat people.  Long before Russell, Taylor was attempting to pass herself off as a member of the Ford (yes, the cars) family.  Her and Russell have worked in forming many different companies, such as the Nobel Foundation, which were nothing more than fronts for the grifts they currently were doing.  In fact, the actual Nobel family, famous for the Nobel Award, had to legally get Russell and Taylor to change the name of their company because they were intentionally misleading people about the true nature of their company.  With all the different names, Shauna Hughes, Shauna Ford, Shauna Taylor, Taylor Ford and Taylor Ford-Armstrong I just feel she is a consummate liar.

I think Taylor and Russell worked together to defraud people.  I think when the economy took a dive, most of the money they had rolling in from defrauding people dried up.  Tensions mounted, substances were abused, and fights erupted because the whole house of cards was crumbling around their feet.  The one thing a con-artist hates is to be found out.  Filing for bankruptcy, and potentially loosing their home was probably too much for the couple.  Being both very selfish people, it makes sense they would blame the other person.  I think Taylor was violent with Russell and he was probably violent with her.  Was Taylor a domestic abuse victim?  NO.  I believe she would get drunk, get into fights with her husband that escalated into physical violence.  What the relationship unhealthy?  Yes.  Due to the fact she and Russell were both con-artists.

Taylor doesn't resemble anyone, including myself, I have ever know that has truly been in an abusive relationship.  It took me 10 years of therapy to finally be able to stand up for myself after I left my abusive relationship.  To this day I don't allow myself the luxury of getting drunk around people I barely now.  There is danger in that!  I still jump a mile in the air if a person touches me.  Even when I care about them or if they are doing it nicely.  I consistently see Taylor bashing others.  I see her have no fear of getting up in someones face.  Talk to the people in my personal life, they will tell you that my tolerance level is very high.  I am not known for verbally violent outbursts.  Rather I am known to be very controlled, even under the most trying circumstances.  All very common traits many exhibit after severe abuse.

I thought about this tonight.  How many people are still buying the bullshit she is peddling.  It sickens me.  I did learn though that her actions do not diminish my experiences nor anyone else.  I will continue to slam Taylor with the truth every single chance I get.  I will to scream from the mountain tops that she is fraud.  It is my right under the first amendment.  I hope people listen and really think about Taylor.  Do some simple Googling and read all the reports on that woman.   For me, Taylor is a tragic miss as a person.  A liar, a cheat and pathetic excuse for a human being.  I pity her daughter for having her as a mother.  Most of all I am glad I understand myself and my reaction to her better.  I can move on from her and know she is, at best, a joke.

PETA & "Holocaust On Your Dinner Plate"

The European Court of Human Right upheld a German courts decision to ban PETA D's  (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animal, Germany) "Holocaust On Your Plate" campaign.

In November of this year, the European Court of Human Right (ECHR) held that German could, lawfully censor PETA D's campaign which consisted of 7 graphic posters analogizing animal exploitation and their slaughter to that of the Nazi Holocaust.  This has been in the courts since 2004 in Germany.  I have been watching and waiting to see if PETA D who challenged a Berlin regional court's 2004 injunction against the publication of the poster campaign, would decide to take this to Europe's version of our Supreme Court.  The Berlin court rejected PETA D's appeal.  PETA D then brought its case to the Federal Constitutional Court and then onto the ECHR, claiming that "the censorship violated Article 10 of the European Convention on Human Rights", which guarantees freedom of expression.

Both the Federal Constitutional Court and the ECHR rejected PETA D's claim.  They found that the parties who had sought the injunction against PETA D has been successful in satisfying part (b) of Article 10, which allows the governments to place some limits on free expression, to protect, for example, " the reputation or rights of others."

"Holocaust on Your Plate", was a campaign that consisted of 7 posters, which contained juxtaposed pictures of animals confined, mistreated while alive and then piled up after slaughter in farming operations.  On the other half of the same poster would be the humans, who were confined, mistreated while alive and then piled up after being slaughters during the Holocaust.  Each post included a short text that drew an analogy between the respective pictures.  I think we can all agree that reasonable minds could wildly differ on how to interpret the campaign.  The basic point was to call attention to the parallel between the ugly and very brutal practices that consumers of animal products support, on one hand, and the atrocities that happened during the Holocaust.

I want to believe, for the sake of this blog, that PETA was acting in "good faith."  Their aim was to bring attention to the uglier side of the animal products industry and to make the consumers of that industry really take a good look at what they are supporting via their consumption.  This is rather hard for me of late, due to several campaigns that PETA has undertook.  I think PETA made a huge, strategic mistake in comparing anything to the Holocaust.  Just an epic failure.  I think PETA lost the chance to reach, otherwise reasonable consumers, who would have otherwise been receptive to their message of animal rights and veganism.  Instead, they most likely outraged and offended many.

I do agree with most of what PETA stands for, and for the sake of this blog, will say provisionally, that I believe in their aims.  Some of PETA'S campaigns really make me wonder whether its goal is actually to gain notoriety for the organization itself.  The campaign posters of naked women, usually celebs, with the tag line "I'd rather go naked than wear fur, " which seems likely to appeal to the salacious interests of the public rather than to persuade people of the injustice of confining, torturing, and slaughtering of sentient beings.  Sometimes I just shake my head and roll my eyes.  I think to myself, what the hell were they thinking?

As the grandson of a Holocaust survivor.  I am sensitive to remarks which use the Holocaust to prove a point.  My grandmother survived the camps.  She lost her parents, brothers, sisters and the rest of her extended family.  I normally flinch when I hear people or their actions compared to the Holocaust.  I understand why people are so offended by any comparison to the Holocaust.  In comparing, say President Obama to Hitler, it does in a curious way diminish what Hitler did.  I think most of the offense people feel in Holocaust references comes from feeling this "diminishing"  of what has happened.

The various decisions upholding the German injunction had just this "diminished" flavor.  Comparing the slaughter of a group of humans to the widespread slaughter of nonhuman animals diminishes the worth and status of the humans in question as well as the severity of their tragedy.

I have to disagree with the Germans court premise.  As the Federal Constitutional Court acknowledged, PETA D did not mean to insult the victims and survivors of the Holocaust.  I think it meant instead to suggest that what is happening to animals should serve as a wake up call for consumers and ought to be seen as deeply disturbing to all people who rightly view the Holocaust as an outrageous injustice by humans against other humans.

I feel that PETA should, generally make the argument in terms that are far less threatening to an audience than in this campaign.  Nonetheless, the question that begs to be asked is, was the comparison threatening not because it challenges the worth and dignity of human victims, but rather because it challenges the justice of practices that almost every one of us was trained from early childhood to embrace.  It asks us to rethink the thing that "everyone is doing" and to consider that there may, despite its popularity and culturally accepted norms, be something fundamentally wrong with it.  The question then becomes when people identify themselves or their family members as victims of injustice, they therefore, become offended at the mere suggestion, that they are in fact perpetrating an injustice against other innocent victims.

So while I flinched when I originally saw the posters, I found myself thinking more about the underlying issues associated with this particular campaign.  I have had many discussions with friends about this campaign, PETA and the path it has taken through the courts.  I am still on the fence as to PETA's actions and motives in this campaign and other very controversial ones in the past.  I feel they spent way too much money to design and defend this campaign.  The money could have been spent more wisely and have much more of an educational impact on the audience PETA is trying to reach.

What do you think?  Did PETA go too far?  Do we diminish the suffering of humans by comparing them to nonhuman animals?  Do you think this campaign would have worked?  I am always curious to hear how others feel.  Let me know.

Of Innocence Lost

When I woke up today I was in a fairly good mood.  I had made it through the holiday relatively unscathed.  I had actually made it through a "Back Friday" shopping event at WalMart and got the two items I was in hot pursuit of.  It was all good.  I was bopping around the house cleaning and doing laundry.  My plan was to get the housework done early and spend a chilly Saturday afternoon playing on line.  I had a Scrabble tournament and looked forward to catching up with some Twitter pals.

I got a simple tweet from a man, Chris.  Chris and I have been doing some heavy duty on-line flirting and spending hours on the phone talking.  I guess you could say we are dating, except for the fact that we live in different states.  I have been liking the getting to know a person before actually meeting them aspect.  This is all very new to me, this on-line thing.  I have decided to just allow things to unfold.  No expectations, nothing but just talking and really getting to know a person.

 The person I have met is charming, intelligent, loving and above all, sweet.  At first, his level of empathy struck me as not authentic.  I thought, no one can be this kind and generous.  This guy is the real deal though.  Chris has re-awakened something in me I thought had either died or long gone dormant.  A little thing called HOPE.  As many of you know, my track record in regards to relationships is horrid.  This man has awoken hope that there could be a guy who is good for me.  For all of my snarky bravado, I am really just a guy who loves to be in love.  I, too, have a heart.

Anyhow, I went online, to Twitter and saw Chris had tweeted me.  I, of course said good morning and asked how his day was.  I got a tweet back which said he was fine now that he was home from the hospital.  I was shocked and asked why.  Friday evening, Chris's uncle and cousin decided to attack Chris for the sole reason of his being gay!  They used baseball bats, kicked him and said some of the most hateful and ugly words on him.  He is bruised from head to toe, has a cracked rib and several cuts which have required stitches.

I was thunder struck.  How could this happen to a man who is so loving and compassionate.  I immediately got very angry.  Yet when I told Chris I was weeping because I was so overwhelmed by the horror is suffered, he apologized to me!  To me!  This is the beautiful type of man that Chris is.  Always worried about others and how they feel.  He is truly special.  I am blessed to have such a man in my life.

When something like this happens to a person who has never had little, if any, violence in their lives the effect is catastrophic.  Simply, they have no point of reference or experience in dealing with something of this magnitude.  I think this almost compounds the situation and the after effects.  I felt I should have been the one to have this happen.  I am used to this level of evil.  If that can ever be the case.

We can all ask the questions of why or how could someone do this to another person.  I, having experienced this type of violence can tell you why or how.  Basically, there is evil in the world.  People are capable of some of doing some of the most horrific things to each other.  I guess that is what sets us apart from animals.  Animals don't rape, murder or hate each other based on sexuality.  So much for humans being superior huh?

My heart is very heavy at this writing.  I am filled with many different and complex emotions.  I don't want to understand why they did this.  I don't care.  I consider them and people like them, to be bad and beyond help and should be put down, like a rabid animal.  I am angry because this part of life has touched a person who, until now, had not been privy to such abhorrent behavior.  I weep because there is a certain level of innocence which has been stolen from a man and taken from the world.  I hurt because his body hurts.  I am stoic because I know, I know the depth of just how this will affect him.

Chis now stands in the pantheon with all the others who, before him have been hurt or killed because they were gay.  Its a special place where the members hope and pray for no new members.  In an odd way, its almost as if its a rite of passage.  He has had to join us in the struggle for equality whether he wanted to or not.  I really thought the last 20 years had made things better.  People were less apt to resort to violence in regards to homosexuality.  I guess I am horribly wrong.  I am very sad.

So I ask where is the gay community on education?  Why are we so worried about Marriage Equality and yet there is still a level of violence against gays in this country?  Why is AIDS on the raise again within the gay community and why has there been no outcry because AIDS medication programs are being stopped?  Have we come so far and gotten a taste of equality that we are forgetting the fundamentals?  I really, and I will probably blog further on this, do think the gay community has, is and will continue to drop the ball on really pushing the whole marriage equality issue.  Where is the support this man will need to help come to terms on what happened to him?  Is the gay community so obsessed with Marriage Equality as to spend millions of dollars on ballot initiatives for marriage equality yet they won't spend the money to have local, regional help the average gay person can have access too?

Its at moments like this when I really get so angry and disgusted with the gay community.  I remember during the AIDS crisis of the 80's and 90's just how organized and galvanized we were.  There were local AIDS support offices everywhere.  Look around, where are they now?  Most have closed.  Some state there is no longer a need.  I beg to differ.  I remember organizing security teams to patrol the parking lots at gay bars in the 90's.  So that we could go out and not worry about getting jumped when we left.  Where is that level of involvement now?  I don't see it.

What I do see is millions of dollars pouring into huge organizations like Lambda Legal, GLAD and others, but I am not seeing anything on a local, state or regional level.  There isn't any network for gays who suffer violence as a result of being gay.  There isn't.  This should outrage and shame gay people.  At what expense will marriage equality come?  There is more to the gay agenda than that.  More needs that are not being met by those organizations that tout they are trying to make out lives better.  I am so disgusted I cannot even begin to convey my true feelings.

A small piece of innocence was last on Friday night.  The world, yes the whole world, is forever changed.  Every time an act of violence is committed the world is darker for it.  We are all connected with each other.  Every time something like this happens its another reason for someone to remain in the closet and be forced to live in the world of shadows.  Lives lived only partly because they are not free to love whom they choose.  At this moment I would have to give the human race a score of D-.  We are slowly losing our humanity.  The one thing that is so beautiful about humans, our humanity is chip by chip, being eroded away.

I live by a simple, yet I feel profound motto.  "Every time I see or feel hurt, I will commit an act of love".  The only true weapon against evil is good.  I will hold Chris.  I will comfort him.  I will work to help heal him from this atrocity.  I want him to know he is brave, kind and above all loved.  I vow to not let what happened define him or inhibit him.  I see the innocence lost and will help to replace it with wisdom.  I will simply choose to love instead of hate.

I Want To Be Thankful......

I am sitting at my desk, its just past 5 a.m.  Its officially Thanksgiving.  Traditionally, its a day to give thanks for the bounty in is our lives.  I get the whole concept, trust me, I really do.  I am still struggling to be thankful though.  Am I bad?  I certainly feel very ungrateful and naughty.  Mmm  maybe I will just do some more emotional eating...yeah...good idea.  As I scamper off to the kitchen for another cup of coffee and a bagel smeared in cream cheese.

Okay, I have my coffee and just got done wiping cream cheese off of my keyboard.  Now back to this whole concept of being thankful.  I could list all of the things I am thankful for, or should be thankful for.  Would that really get me off the hook, so to speak?  This wasn't going to be easy.

My little heater is chugging away under my desk.  My toes are getting warm and I am staring out of the window in front of me.  I am watching the city outside come to life.  Am I thankful for what I have?  I guess I would have to figure out if I am supposed to be thankful for the people in my life or the things I have.  Could it be a mixture of both?  I never really thought about this day to this level before.  I am convinced this is some kind of mid-life, gay crisis thing.

I don't really feel like I want to be thankful today.  Does that make me a bad person?  Should I even care?  Why is this such a problem for me?  I just want to smack myself.  I want so badly to embrace and really get into the spirit of today but I just can't.  Besides the normal stuff people list as what they are thankful for I have nothing.

I am stuck on the whole static-ness of today.  Why just today?  Shouldn't we be thankful all the time?  Is this some sort of reminder?  Shouldn't being thankful be a little more of a process?  Ever changing, evolving and growing?  I think so.

There is much in my life to be thankful for.  Maybe just the simple act of contemplating what I have to be thankful for makes me thankful.  I think I have embraced the concept of thankfulness and yet I don't feel right about it.  Maybe its the fact I feel being thankful should be a process rather than just an accounting. If that is the case then I am a success at it.  I am thankful everyday for something different.  One day it could be for the perfect cup of coffee and the next day I am thankful for my home or a having a friend to share my life with.

I am satisfied now that being thankful is a process and I am where I should be.  I feel okay now.  Good thing I didn't smack myself huh?  Being thankful should be fluid.  It should change with the ebbs and flows of life.  As each day, each moment brings new things, events and people into our lives so our feelings of being thankful changes.

I have a smile on my face now.  The day can be lived with a sense of purpose.  Even though I am choosing to spend today alone.  I can relax knowing I am thankful and that today is just a focal point to remind people of the process of being thankful.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  May the bounty of your lives be  full of love and happiness.

Down and Out in Beverly Hills - Reality Responsibility

I normally do not blog about the housewives.  This blog is a response to what I witnessed with Taylor Armstrong and Kim Richards, both cast members on the Bravo TV's Real Housewives of Beverly Hills this week.  I am still in shock over the change in Kim's appearance from the first episode to number 3 which aired last night.  Kim, who is a self confessed alcoholic, only had maybe 60 days clean when they started filming for Season 3.  I am not a professional, but this is cruel.  I cannot imagine any mental health professional, nor rehab counselor ever giving their okay to a person, who is new into recovery, tape a reality show.  Especially one on Bravo.

Let me just start out by saying I do not like Kim.  I find her a sad story.  She is an aging child star with obvious mental and substance abuse issues.  Kim is one of those people that have fallen through the cracks.  She has.  Lets not pussyfoot around the issue.  She is a broke bitch.  She has obviously spent the money she made from the Disney movies she starred in.  We hear from Kim's sister, Kyle, that they have been underwriting Kim's life for years.  More sadness.  From a "bitch gotta get paid" standpoint I understand why she is one the show.  Its just sad to see a person committing the slowest form of suicide each week on TV for a few dollars.

We all witnessed Kim's cosmic melt downs last year.  All her drunken follies were televised.  Her drug use was as plain as the nose on my face.  She found that plastic sandwich bag and straw in the back of the limo and proudly exclaimed to the camera that "its not mine, I don't know whose it is".  Really?  

Besides all the drama, cattiness that make the housewives show watchable, Kim is a person.  When the season premiered I notice a marked physical change in Kim.  She looked good.  Healthy.  We are now into the 3rd episode of the show and Kim is looking like a wreck.  I am seeing the gaunt, lack of sleep, dull, glazed look of a good buzz in her face.  She is slurring her words.  I may not like Kim on the show but I certainly do not wish to see her emotionally implode on national TV.  

I am disgusted with how this woman is being used and treated.  I would never expect Kim's fame whore sisters, Kyle Richards or Kathy Hilton (Paris Hilton's mother) to support Kim and suggest her taking a season off of the show to get some sober time in...but...what about Bravo TV?  What the hell is wrong with this network?  Are ratings that important?  

I think Kim should not be on the show period.  She is obviously using again.  I believe she is a cross addicted person.  She loves the hooch and the drugs.   I also think Kim could possibly have a mental condition other than her issues with anxiety.  I think she might be bi-polar or even major depressive.  To have this women on a show that is so invasive is beyond cruel.  If that were my sister, I would have her Baker Acted and sue the hell out of Bravo.  I cannot believe Kim's signature on a contract would even be considered binding since she probably signed under the influence.  If  I were her brother, I would be holding Bravo TV personally responsible for her should anything happen.

Now on to Taylor, Lips Inc., Armstrong.  I have always been very vocal about the fact I didn't believe a word that fell off the super huge lips of Taylor.  She is a grifter, liar, and con artist extraordinaire.  Again, I cannot believe this woman is allowed to be on a reality show.  It has, at the time of taping, been only about 9 months after her husband hung himself!  It makes me want to vomit.  Let me go on the record, openly and publicly, that I do not believe for one nano second that Taylor was the victim of domestic abuse.  Do I think she was in an unhealthy relationship?  Sure.  I believe she hit Russell and he smacked her.  I think they were both very verbally and physically abusive to each other.

Taylor is not your run of the mill broad.  She has a long history of lying.  Almost as big as her lips is the amount of people that both she and Russell scammed money out of.  This is not the lost little waif from Oklahoma she would like us all to believe.  She is a very cunning and criminally sophisticated woman.

I think the reason why Taylor and her "victim status" so outrage me is because I am a survivor of domestic abuse.  I was also raised by a verbally and physically abusive mother (see my blog, Open Letter to Mother).  As a person who has lived with a man who brutally beat me, poured boiling water on me, and threw me out of moving car I believe myself to be somewhat of a expert on domestic violence.  What I am seeing in Taylor and her behaviors is not jiving with my experience nor anyone else's I have known or spoken with.

Taylor's behavior is just not consistent with someone who has been brutalized by a spouse.  She drinks uncontrollably  places herself in very unsafe conditions and runs around telling anyone who will stand still long enough, just what a victim she is.  It just doesn't jive.  

For 2 years we have watched and listened to Taylor go on and on about what Russell was doing to her.  For 2 years I have never seen a mark.  Not one.  The supposed black eye she had on the final episode of season 2 was bullshit.  She looked as if she had been on a bender,  not gotten the shit kicked out her as she proposed had happened.  For 2 years we have watched Taylor's moods swing between victim and victimizer.  She gets drunk and starts screaming at people and trying to physically attack them.  Her behavior is that of a narcissistic person not a victim.

From my own experience as a child who was constantly beaten, I was always too ashamed to tell anyone.  In my marriage, again, more shame.  I didn't even tell my closest friends.  I have had employers pull me aside and ask about bruises, stitches, broken noses and arms and silently died on the inside of shame and humiliation.  Why have we never seen any of this from Taylor?  Someone, somewhere has had to have seen something, yet no one comes forward to back up her claims.

I am calling for the removal of Taylor from the show.  She sets the Domestic Violence movement back 20 years.  She is only a poster child for the death penalty in my eyes.  Lying about being brutalized by a spouse is on par with saying you have cancer and don't have it, only to gain sympathy.  Its disgusting and deplorable   It minimizes those who have suffered, will suffer and are suffering at the hands of a loved one.  

When Russell committed suicide, I called on Bravo to take what was horrible situation and use it and educate the public on suicide and domestic violence.  This was a network, it had a national platform in which to get the message out.   Instead, we got a 5 minute prologue of the other wives and husbands sitting around talking about Taylor and an 800 number flashed on the screen.

For any of you that follow me on Twitter, you know I have razor sharp whit and a very snarky sense of humor.  I cannot find any humor in watching a person slowly destroy themselves with booze and/or drugs.  Bravo should be ashamed of themselves for putting Kim on this season in any capacity other than a cameo spot, if at all.  I cannot believe I have not heard more of an outcry from the masses where Kim is concerned.  Where the hell is Dr. Drew?  Why hasn't he weighed in on Kim?.  Normally he has his two cents in on everything related to celebs and their drug/alcohol issues.  Am I the only one that is sad to see Kim be trotted out in front of the camera's like a present day Judy Garland?

I would like to think anyone who has ever been abused would see Taylor for the fraud she is.  Again, I cannot be the only one to see this!  Can I?  Really?  Blogs have been written, new articles published about what a consummate liar she is but no one has taken the time to really get to the bottom of her fake abuse allegations.  Russell's family, ex-wife all say he was incapable of that level of violence.  Normally, abusers kill others not themselves.  I am just so outraged by this woman.  

I would like to hope that whomever reads this blog thinks about how a network who wants to desperately  be known for its Gay friendly, female empowerment programming could possibly be letting these two women continue to appear on their network.  Where is Bravo TV's social conscience?  Where are we, as viewers/consumers of Bravo's programming, in demanding some form of social responsibility from Bravo?

It is already too late for this season but do we have to endure another season of watching Kim slowly kill herself?  Do we really have to be subjected to Taylor and her lies next season?  Please think about how you feel about Kim and Taylor and make your thoughts known and heard at Bravo TV. 

On Being Single

One of the funniest things I have noticed is just how concerned people get when they learn you are single.  People always frown when they hear I am single.  I smile and wait for their, "I have a friend/co-worker" speech.  It is always the same.  From the young to the very old, its a pity party, table of one type of deal.  I am almost sick and tired of having to defend my right to be single and still be happy.

Living alone is a wonderful thing.  I am completely at peace when I walk through the door of my apartment.  Guess what?  Its still just as I left it.  Clean.  I am not tripping over someones shoes nor am I walking into a person who is either happy or full of drama.  Its just little old goofy me and my fish, Shithead.  Its peaceful in my home.  Usually there is the sound of only the radio going, NPR (National Public Radio), of course.  I walk to the bedroom kick off my shoes, hang up my coat and sit down on the bed.  I normally slip into my favorite Old Navy sweats and throw on my 4X hoodie and relax.

I enjoy the solitude.  I have forgotten what its like to live with another person.  Sometimes, I even think I may never want to.  Besides who said if your in love you should live under the same roof?  Maybe I am one of those people who do better living alone?  Who knows?.  But right now I  love it.

Since I have lived alone these last 10 plus years, I have discovered many things about myself I don't believe I would have otherwise had the opportunity to discover.  For instance, I am a bed swimmer.  I am all over my bed when I sleep now.  That never happened when I shared it with someone.  I would fall asleep and usually wake in the same position.  Now, I am all over that bad boy.  By the way, I invested heavily in my bed about 5 years ago.  Its an all natural fiber, double stuffed pillow top, queen sized mattress.   I am so glad I spent the $$$ on it.  We have a very unique and loving relationship, my mattress and I.  I tend not to skimp on the sheets I use nor the pillows I have.  My sheets are an investment in my eyes.  Like Oprah, I love a high thread count.  I prefer the 1500 thread count, Egyptian cotton sets.  Like butter!  My pillows are just as important.  I have 6 of the bad boys.  I love to snuggle down, read from my tablet and relax.  There are days I do not get out of bed.  Who would know?  I am single and get to indulge like that.  Comfort and choices are all mine.  I call the shots now.  There isn't someone else to consider.  I like that.

Lets face it, I was raised by an abusive mother, am divorced from my abusive ex-husband and I kinda suck at relationships.  Just the other day, while sitting in my sun room, I noticed I felt safe.  I mean really safe and secure.  I couldn't remember the last time I felt that way.  I smiled to myself because I had created this feeling.  Its my space and no body else's.  I reveled in feeling safe.  I don't know if anyone else can relate to the joyousness of feeling safe, but after my childhood and early adulthood, its a blessing of the major kind.

From time to time to time I miss the human contact.  I have one person in my life who has made it her life's work to make me physically feel another person's touch.  My therapist Kathy.  At the end of every session, she gets up and hugs me.  Sometimes its the only human contact I have, both verbal and physical.  I don't get sad about it anymore.  I have come to embrace my singularity.  Again, its a safe-feeling thing.

I wonder sometimes what its like to be involved in a family or relationship that is full and busy.  I don't think I have ever had a relationship but rather just a series of "user-ships".  Its started with my mother, who used us kids to trap her husbands, all three of them-poor bastards, to all of my boyfriends and partners.  They get what they wanted from me and when there was nothing left, they leave.  I see that pattern now and have moved forward to ensure that my needs and wants are being heeded and taken care of.  I come first now.  Am I a little selfish?  I don't think so.  I just make sure the other person is, at the very least, attempting to me in the emotional center.

With a certain level of healing from hurts of the past, comes a large sense of peace.  I continue to heal and grow as a man.  Ever so gently lightening the load of emotional baggage we all eventually accumulate.  I would like to think I am a much better candidate to find someone to love who loves me back.

I forget where I heard it, but the saying goes like this, "I don't need a savior but rather a champion".  I don't need someone to pay the bills, entertain me, or be the sexual partner of mythic lore.  I would love to find a man who is ready, willing and able to share of himself with me.  A guy to walk through life with.

Could being single so long have lead me to be more evolved in the relationship arena?  I really think so.  As easy as it would be to throw all the blame on my exes, I don't.  I was never really a good partner to them any more than they were to me.  We just hurt each other in different ways.  I was damaged.  I had a lot of hurt and insecurity inside.  That translated to being the equivalent of a black hole of emotional need!  No man, friend or parental role model could ever be, do or reassure me enough.  This type of pressure on a partner, boyfriend can kill a relationship quicker than anything.  So while its easy to look back and point the finger, I have found it better to just turn inward and really do some soul searching and some very long over due healing.

The healing has been slow and at time, very painful.  I have dated a few times in the last 5 years, unsuccessfully  I might add.  The funny thing is that I always learn something more about myself through these failed attempts at partnering.  So are they really failed attempts or just really good practice runs for "the one"?  I think they are excellent opportunities to try out and refine how I have grown.  At the very least, I am not making the same mistakes, so its still progress.

I guess you could say that I am okay with being single.  I am contented.  All of my personality quirks don't cause much drama.  I clean once and it stays clean.  There is a very real and palpable feeling of tranquility in my home.  I am in a good place in my life.  I no longer subscribe to the thought of having to have a partner in my life.  Its really okay to be single.  There is someone out there for me.  I will keep growing, healing and learning about myself.  Whats the worst thing that can happen?  That I would be ready for Mr. Right?

Those are my thoughts on being single.  Being single is not a dreaded form of social calamity, but rather a choice.  I could still be with a couple of my exes.  I chose to grow and discover me.  So cut the next single person you see some slack.  Don't assume they are miserable because they are single.  They very well could be single and loving it.

Guns & The Mentally Ill

I have been sitting on this post for a while now.  In light of the recent slew of shootings I felt it was best to not jump on the band wagon and produce a rant blog.  Today, in my email, I received from Second Chance Campaign Organization a request that I look into how easily it is for the mentally ill to get a gun.  I hit the roof.

Historically, it has been widely believed those people with a mental disorder were more likely to be violent.  People tend to think those with a mental disorder are more inclined to act on impulses and thoughts and thus commit acts of violence.  This simply is not true.

I could quote some cliche' that guns don't kill people, people kill people, but rather why don't we agree that both do and in doing so take a look at the root causes of most violent crimes.  The lack of access to health care and the affordability of it.   Not everyone person who commits a violent crime or goes on a killing spree is mentally ill, yet it has become ever so popular for criminals to claim they have some disorder which made them commit the crime.  Think of Jerry Sandusky.

I believe its the lack of access and affordability to health care that is too blame.  Study after study shows that abuse of illegal drugs and alcohol lead to violence.  Study after study shows those with a mental disorder are no more violent than their "normal" counter parts if substance abuse is not involved.  I come to the conclusion then if we had better access to health care, i.e. mental health and substance abuse treatment, crimes rates would go down dramatically.  Its common sense.

Most people who suffer from some form of serious mental illness will admit to "self medicating" with drugs or alcohol before seeking and/or receiving treatment.  On the flip side most addicts/alcoholics will admits to have underlying psychological issues before abusing.  Its a circle.

In my experience in and out of the system both as a patient and advocate I have found those who suffer from either a mental disorder or addiction and receive proper care are less likely to every commit acts of violence.  This is exactly why better access and affordability are crucial if we are to stop acts of violence such as Aurora, Co, Columbine and VA Tech.

Last year two thirds of the nations states cut funding to mental health/substance abuse programs.  If we continue to do this our chances of catching a gunman, as in Aurora will decline.  Many states are transferring what funding is left to local agencies in the form of block grants and they are being combined with other programs.  As a result when these social service agencies are forced to compete with other local needs mental health/substance abuse treatment often suffers.  The result is society suffers as well as those who have mental disorder/substance addictions.

Having a mental disorder is more common that one might think.  It is estimated that one in four people have an untreated mental disorder.  It is also estimated that one in three people abuse illegal drugs and/or alcohol.  The consequences of not treating these illnesses is staggering.  More than 1/3 of the homeless population have untreated mental disorders and are more likely to commit suicide.  Almost 16% of the populations in jails in the US are comprised of those who have untreated mental/substance abuse issues.

The statistics are a direct and unmistakable reflection on the public's failure to provide adequate and affordable treatment for mental disorders and/or substance abuse/addiction.  The key here is the word "untreated".  With successful treatment, those who have a mental disorder and/or an addiction can go on to lead fulfilling lives, and make positive contributions to society.  The stigma of those who have a mental illness alone are violent has been around far to long.  Its just not that simple.

Its because of this stigma surrounding mental illness and addiction that keep many away from even seeking treatment.  Mental illness and addiction are very real diseases and can be effectively treated, just like diabetes.  However, when treatment is not received we see the horrific consequences as happened in Colorado.  Many warning signs were ignored and a tragedy happened.

This issue goes way beyond the recurring boxing cycle that plagues our country, and any solution requires a multi-pronged approach to both the shooter, the gun and underlying conditions.

One of the most obvious ways to reduce these types of tragedies is to provide accessible and affordable health care for the mentally ill/addicts.

The difference might be seen between the end result of James Holmes and former President Theodore Roosevelt.  Both had bipolar disorder.

We shouldn't have to be rich to be able to afford and have access to good, quality health care.  We need to strip away the stigma's associated with both mental illness and substance abuse/addiction.  They are illnesses and when treated correctly the outcome could be very different for our society.  After all, this is America, when did we stop being a shining example to the world?

When Your A Jet....The New Gangs Of Twitter

One could make a very real argument that I am addicted to Twitter.  I love the short, funny interactions with others, most of whom I do not know.  I love to see whats on other people's minds. While 99% of my interactions on Twitter are funny, sarcastic and easy I have seen the darker side to Twitter.  The darker side are those that use the anonymous nature of this medium to be bullies and well....to just be cruel.

I have over 500 followers. Most of whom I don't interact with every day.  There is what I would call my core group.  We greet each other and have in many ways gotten to know each other through twitter.  I adore my core group.  They are an eclectic bunch.  They really make me laugh and are sweet.

Recently, I have noticed how some folks like to form a cabal or gang.  While tweeting the other day, I received a DM (Private Direct Message) from a follower informing me of some transgression that another of my followers did to her.  I replied as I always do.  "Oh, really?  That person has always been a sweet heart to me, sorry you are going thru that."  I never pay much attention to issues that people have between each other.  As long as you are friendly to me, I will be friendly to you.  These are, after all, not really real relationships.  That day I continued to tweet away.  Another DM came in.  I looked and it was actually 4 DM's.  From the original girl and 3 more from others who were now embroiled in some scandal.

The very last DM I opened made my mouth drop open.  "If you continue to follow this guy, we will unfollow you!"  Holy bat balls, what? I thought.  Am I in High School, no Grammer School?  I thought about how to handle it and decided to not respond at all.  Just as promised I lost 6 people that day and 4 more the next.  I guessed I was shown who was boss.  I actually laughed if my memory serves me.

I used this as a very tame example of what really happens on Twitter.  For starters not many people use their full legal names.  I use mine.  While my call tag is Mintedroyalty, my name follows right after, Lucien Simpson.  I have noticed that people create sub email accounts and come up with cute names for twitter. I don't understand why?  Are they afraid that what they say can and will be used against them in real life?  Guessing by what I have seen flash by, I would think I am on to something.

The gangs or cabal's that roam Twitter are many. They bully, harass, threaten and intimidate many.  I have seen families threatened in real life.  If there is peer pressure in real life, then on Twitter its 10 fold.  The pressure to come up with funny, interesting tweets constantly is hard.  Trying to please everyone, all the time is overwhelming.  Many cannot cope with it.  I am sure we will see some "condition or illness" be "discovered" by the Psychiatric Association soon as a result of this type of behaviors.

What I have found is that I am not a group person.  I have never liked to sit in a circle with others.  I have never craved acceptance from the majority.  Maybe, just maybe, being gay and Jewish has allowed me to remain above the fray on Twitter.  Maybe its the fact that I have my head up my ass most of the time and never even know when a scandal hits.  I find I am always asking why?  What happened?  Lately, I have even stopped asking.

I love Twitter because of the immediacy of it.  When news happens it hits Twitter before anywhere else.  During the whole Occupy Wall Street Movement, I was in a Tweet chain.  Someone would tweet from the scene and then all of us who had signed up retweeted the original tweet to all of our followers and so on.  Like the old Breck commercials.  It was dynamic and from the comfort of my own home I felt I was part of the movement and actually helping it.  Knowledge is power.

The gangs of Twitter use the peer pressure, the immediacy, and the anonymity of Twitter to behave badly and bully many.  I have watched as those who may or may not have deserved to be corrected or addressed end up actually fighting for their sanity.  I have heard many stories about people who have actually thought or tried suicide because of what happens on Twitter.

Once this poor woman left Twitter, they decided to start on me.  I don't put up with bullying of any kind. I just blocked them as they popped off and moved one.  For me, you loose one follower and gain two more.  This whole situation just made it very clear to me to be very careful to not think anyone on Twitter is a "friend".  Friends are for real life.

Has anyone ever asked you to "unfollow" someone?  If so, did you?  Have others on Twitter told you stories about other users?  Did you listen?  Did you participate in alienating someone who had not wronged you?  Have you asked others to "unfollow" someone?  If you answered yes to any of these questions chances are you part of a Twitter gang.  You might not have even realized that you were.

My best advice for the use of Twitter?  Keep it light, funny and never mistake your followers for friends.  Of course you can always find a friend, I have.  I have met a couple of people that I actually talk on the phone with.  They are great new social additions to my life but nothing more.  We share a common sense of humor or a love of a TV program.   These people will not hold my hand when I break up with a boyfriend, but rather we can laugh about a current episode of a TV program.

Do me a favor? Next time your on Twitter, just watch, listen.  See if you can spot a gang of people harassing a person.  If you do, offer the victim some kind words of encouragement.  Most of all be your own person.  Don't let others dictate who you interact with.  Stand up and say no more to the random bullying and gang like mentality that seems to rear its ugly head on Twitter.

An Open Letter to Mom on Mother's Day

Mom,

Its been so long since we spoke and I would think you would agree it has been for the best.  How are you? Have you found something or someone to bring happiness into your life?  The last time we spoke you were angry and full of hate.  Can I ask something?  What did I ever do to you that made you mad enough to hate me?  Do you hate me?

I remember I always had a mouth.  I was the type of kid to argue back about anything and everything.  Was that enough for you to hate me?  I really do think you resent the day you gave birth to me.  Proof of this was the day you looked at me and said, "I should have swallowed."  I remember my boyfriend looking at me with shock.  He couldn't believe a mother would say such a thing to their son.  But you and I know you said that and much, much more.

Mom, I have spent the last few years trying to heal from my childhood.  A childhood you filled with violence, both verbal and physical, shame and fear.  Lets face it Mom, you were a lousy mother.  You spent so much time and energy trying to beat and shame me we could never just be happy.  Your a miserable person and for years I thought it was because, as you would always say, "your a sick bastard and I should lock you up."  I have to ask, what did I do at 10 years old that was so horrible?

I remember all the beatings, the "accidents", the threats, the "punishments".  I used to be ashamed.  I am not anymore.  The one thing I realized as an adult is that we are ultimately responsible for our own happiness.  I cannot pretend nor lie anymore about what happened.  As the saying goes, it is what it is.  It was awful.  I also carry no shame for what you did.  That is yours to carry.

You know what?  I cannot remember a time when something good happened that was not attached to an ugly dark moment.  I cannot remember a time in my childhood I did not feel shame and responsible for all the misery you so often told me you suffered.  That is sad and you should be ashamed of yourself.

I don't hate you.  I don't only blame you.  Dad was there.  He could have done something to stop you but he never did.  He would just sit there and watch you rant, rave and beat me.  I hope you get the counseling you so desperately need...so that you could come to terms with what you did to me once and for all.  So that you could figure out what happened to you to make you the person that you are today.

Part of the healing process is realizing that I was a child and not responsible for anything.  I have heard from every single counselor, doctor and rabbi that I need to forgive you, but keep you away.  I am trying but I am not there yet.  But what I can do is keep you away.

I guess you could say this is my farewell letter to you.  I have to say good-bye so that I can move on with my own life and create a life that is full of love, laughter and most of all peace.  I need to be free of you to heal.  It would have been better to heal together but I guess your not ready.  That is okay.  My journey is my own and so is yours.

Your son,

Lucien (a.k.a  fucking asshole, retard, sick fuck, piece of shit, liar, jerk-off, pecker head, freak of nature)

Taylor Armstrong & The Trail of Tears

After watching Part 3 of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion last night I was disgusted.  We had to endure yet another segment on Taylor Armstrong.  The long suffering widow, domestic abuse survivor, housewife and oh yea, mother.   Taylor remains a lighting rod for controversy.  Her journey this year has been, to say the very least, yet another well executed plan for attention for her.  Her late Husband, Russell, only helped her out by committing suicide.

Taylor was, has and forever will be a victim.  I have met her type a million times.  Always the victim.  Never taking any sort of responsibility for anything in their lives.  If something goes wrong, instead of looking back on what happened and figuring out how it went wrong, owning her part in and moving forward, Taylor finds a patsy and assigns the blame.  She then quivers her overly inflated/silicon lip and waits for someone to rescue her and fix whatever she thinks is wrong in her life.  We all know someone like this.  They walk across the floor and stub their toe and its not their fault, no, no, no, its the manufacturer of the floor's fault.  Also, they didn't just stub their toe, they dislocated it!

When the rumors of abuse that Taylor was receiving at the hands of her husband started I was like a dog.  Head up, ears pointing and ready to attack.  As a survivor of domestic and parental abuse I cannot abide physical violence in any form.  As a gay man, I am particularly protective of women in general.  My first thoughts and feelings where how horrible for Taylor and her daughter.  As the summer rolled along and the bloggers and gossip sheets were now in full swing, things started to not add up.

At the end of summer, I think we were all shocked with the announcement that Russell Armstrong, the bad guy, had decided to kill himself.  Not the easy way by over dose, but to hang himself.  Let me tell you, hanging is an ugly, long suffering way to kill yourself.  Its not over in a minute but rather several sometimes as long as 10 or more.

My bullshit detector was going off like it has never before.  In fact, at one point, it broke from over use.  The statistics on domestic abuse will confirm what I am about to say.  Abusers don't commit suicide unless they are taking their victims with them.  Does it happen sure, like one in million, but for the majority of the time, abusers don't get depressed and kill themselves, they kill their spouses.  This was my first glimpse that Taylor was a lying sack of dog shit.

When one of Russell's friends did an interview shortly after Russell's death, this friend told the reporter Russell had confided to him that he was going to get "crucified" by the press when season 2 aired.  Again, this is not what an abuser does, its completely outside of the normal profile.  This was huge.  I know my ex husband could have given a shit what anyone thought of him and his actions.  He lived in his own world.  In his world he was the victim, that's why he had to teach me a lesson. Russell's family and friends have all come out in support of him.  I believe them.  If Russell had been so horrible, why not just stay silent?  It was not in the best interests of them to come forward in defense of Russell.

The other odd thing was that Russell's first wife, the mother of his two sons was not coming forward.  If Russell was so horrible he would have done similar to his first wife.  She has remained oddly silent.  None of her friends say that Russell ever touched her.  Again, my Bullshit Detector was going off.

At this time I was all over Bravo, and Andy, I am a media Whore, Cohen to step up and do the right thing. To take the opportunity to do some good from Russell's death.  Educate the public on suicide.  Andy and I had a brief Twitter fight.  It had come to my attention that Bravo was planning on having the wives sitting around talking about Russell.  I tweeted that, I got a curt reply from Andy stating:  "Don't believe everything you read".  First off, I didn't read it Andy, I am a Media Whore, Cohen, a fellow blogger called me to discuss it.  Bravo and Andy's spin control is legendary, just like Mayer and MGM.  I knew at that moment I had hit pay dirt.  I don't consider myself an "insider" I just have friends who work, write about and are in show business.  From producers, dancers, actors, camera personal, etc.  You hear things when you know people in the biz.

The next day Bravo airs a special about Russell's death.  It was just as I had predicted.  They were sitting in a living room and jawing about Russell.  I am sure they had all been prepped on what to say and what not to.  After all season 2 was coming out in a couple months.  Again, Bravo is famous for their gag orders in their contracts.  They control everything these women and their families can and cannot say, this would be no different.  Bravo blew it.  They blew it big time.  They had a chance, with a national format to really do some good.  Instead they grabbed some ratings.  Kyle Richards was crying, everyone else looked like they were pissed at having to be there.  The Maloof's in particular looked like they were trying to figure out how to get out of this stupid event.

I have watched every episode of season 2.  I have seen Taylor piss drunk sitting in a suitcase pouting like a 4 year old.  I have seen her get violent and almost come to blows with the other cast mates.  I have seen her react as an abuser and not a victim.  I have seen her do to Brandi Granville exactly what she says Russell did to her.  I have seen her time and time again talk about her work in the domestic violence world, specifically a shelter for women in Los Angeles.  Here is a women who last season threw a $45k birthday party for her daughter, has gone to college, knows about domestic abuse, works with professionals who specialize in domestic abuse and she is silently suffering?  Nope, I don't buy it.  It doesn't jive.

So after I got done watching part 3 of the reunion, after seeing Taylor all smug, with her little rude and nasty face expressions, watching her lean into a verbal argument with the other wives, I am comfortable in saying Shana Hughes, a.k.a Taylor Armstrong is a lying fraud.  During the reunion Taylor mentioned Russell had hit her so hard her jaw was dislocated and over a toilet she popped it back in.  Gasp!  Right?  Funny but in her book she retells the same incident but has herself popping her jaw back in over a bed, not in a bathroom or over a toilet.  She also mentions a family friend who witnessed her abuse, yet the person will not discuss it or confirm Taylor's story. Convenient if you ask me.

Its Taylor's behavior that betrays her.  I know for years after I got out of my abusive relationship I didn't, couldn't say boo to anyone.  I have spoken with, been friends with other survivors of domestic abuse and we all agree Taylor is not behaving like someone who was brutalized by her husband.  She is too quick to get into a confrontation with anyone who challenges her or her story.

So folks, these are the facts, Taylor has a shadowy past.  A name change and allegations of trying to pass herself off as a Ford (as in Ford Cars).  Her mother left her father when Shana (Taylor) was 2 years old.  The father paid child support but was absent.  Shana's mother never had another abusive relationship.  After being a baby for 24 months, the abuse Shana witnessed destroyed her life and now she claims that short time in her life led her to Russell.  The evil, mean, nasty, wife beater Russell.  Russell and Taylor have started several corporations, with names like the Nobel Foundation, to be confused with the Nobel Peace Prize.  In fact the Nobel family has sued the Armstrong's to stop using the name Nobel, they won.  Several other corporations have Russell and Taylor associated with them.  In fact one IT company proudly boasts Taylor's accomplishments within the IT world.  I haven't checked to see if that site is still up and running, but at one point it was.

Taylor and her husband were in my opinion, grifters.  The were flim flam artists.  They parlayed themselves into Beverly Hills society.  Its not hard, act like you have money and your in.  As I say, Perception is Reality.  Russell has no history of violence I can find.  Taylor has a history of lying and deceiving.  She is the only woman I know who can have facial surgery and heal with no traces to be seen in days, weeks?

In her book, Taylor reveals that she told Russell he had to move out, leave.  He did.  Does that sound like a woman who is afraid, has no self esteem and is controlled?  No it doesn't.  The fact that she did not have to run away in the middle of the night and hide from him just tells me she is, again full of shit.  I left my ex and he found me, broke in to my new apartment and beat the living hell out of me.  Didn't see that with Russell.

I firmly believe that Russell and Taylor had a violent, firery, relationship.  I think the physical violence went both ways.  I think they both were very sick and needed a ton of counseling.  I think Russell began to realize he was screwed.  Everyone was going to believe Taylor and if he said anything about what she had done to him, he would look like a whimp.  I think he got very depressed because he was being sued by a great many people.  The money was drying up and he couldn't think of a way to spin himself out of such a hole.  I am sure he was listening to people who were telling him what Taylor was doing.  Basically, she was, yet again, positioning herself to play the role of victim.  This way she could get out of the marriage and all the responsibilities that she is now faced with.  If this is what Russell was thinking, I think he was right.  How sad to see no hope in life.

Timing is everything.  Russell deciding to take his life, before the divorce was finalized might have been planned or not.  Was it Russell's way to one last time get even with Taylor?  Who knows?  We will never get the truth from Taylor.  The fact that he died while still legally married to Taylor is ironic.  Taylor is going to have, for the first time, face the music. She is being sued by many different companies and people.  All of his debts are now her debts.  I know Taylor will not be alone and I am sure many are lining up to help the poor, long suffering widow Armstrong.  Attorney's are donating their services, doctors are lining up to console and counsel her.  I have no fear some gallant man, oops that's already happened, will come forward to take up Taylor's cause and honor.

This is Hollywood folks.  Taylor and her ever present lip, will soon be a memory.  I think Taylor should be ashamed of herself, her lies and her actions.  She has set the women's movement and domestic abuse causes back years.  She has shown what greed and selfishness can do, kill a man, scae a child for life and turn the stomachs of a nation.  Farewell Shana Huges Ford Taylor Armstrong, may you always get exactly what you deserve and nothing more.