One of the funniest things I have noticed is just how concerned people get when they learn you are single. People always frown when they hear I am single. I smile and wait for their, "I have a friend/co-worker" speech. It is always the same. From the young to the very old, its a pity party, table of one type of deal. I am almost sick and tired of having to defend my right to be single and still be happy.
Living alone is a wonderful thing. I am completely at peace when I walk through the door of my apartment. Guess what? Its still just as I left it. Clean. I am not tripping over someones shoes nor am I walking into a person who is either happy or full of drama. Its just little old goofy me and my fish, Shithead. Its peaceful in my home. Usually there is the sound of only the radio going, NPR (National Public Radio), of course. I walk to the bedroom kick off my shoes, hang up my coat and sit down on the bed. I normally slip into my favorite Old Navy sweats and throw on my 4X hoodie and relax.
I enjoy the solitude. I have forgotten what its like to live with another person. Sometimes, I even think I may never want to. Besides who said if your in love you should live under the same roof? Maybe I am one of those people who do better living alone? Who knows?. But right now I love it.
Since I have lived alone these last 10 plus years, I have discovered many things about myself I don't believe I would have otherwise had the opportunity to discover. For instance, I am a bed swimmer. I am all over my bed when I sleep now. That never happened when I shared it with someone. I would fall asleep and usually wake in the same position. Now, I am all over that bad boy. By the way, I invested heavily in my bed about 5 years ago. Its an all natural fiber, double stuffed pillow top, queen sized mattress. I am so glad I spent the $$$ on it. We have a very unique and loving relationship, my mattress and I. I tend not to skimp on the sheets I use nor the pillows I have. My sheets are an investment in my eyes. Like Oprah, I love a high thread count. I prefer the 1500 thread count, Egyptian cotton sets. Like butter! My pillows are just as important. I have 6 of the bad boys. I love to snuggle down, read from my tablet and relax. There are days I do not get out of bed. Who would know? I am single and get to indulge like that. Comfort and choices are all mine. I call the shots now. There isn't someone else to consider. I like that.
Lets face it, I was raised by an abusive mother, am divorced from my abusive ex-husband and I kinda suck at relationships. Just the other day, while sitting in my sun room, I noticed I felt safe. I mean really safe and secure. I couldn't remember the last time I felt that way. I smiled to myself because I had created this feeling. Its my space and no body else's. I reveled in feeling safe. I don't know if anyone else can relate to the joyousness of feeling safe, but after my childhood and early adulthood, its a blessing of the major kind.
From time to time to time I miss the human contact. I have one person in my life who has made it her life's work to make me physically feel another person's touch. My therapist Kathy. At the end of every session, she gets up and hugs me. Sometimes its the only human contact I have, both verbal and physical. I don't get sad about it anymore. I have come to embrace my singularity. Again, its a safe-feeling thing.
I wonder sometimes what its like to be involved in a family or relationship that is full and busy. I don't think I have ever had a relationship but rather just a series of "user-ships". Its started with my mother, who used us kids to trap her husbands, all three of them-poor bastards, to all of my boyfriends and partners. They get what they wanted from me and when there was nothing left, they leave. I see that pattern now and have moved forward to ensure that my needs and wants are being heeded and taken care of. I come first now. Am I a little selfish? I don't think so. I just make sure the other person is, at the very least, attempting to me in the emotional center.
With a certain level of healing from hurts of the past, comes a large sense of peace. I continue to heal and grow as a man. Ever so gently lightening the load of emotional baggage we all eventually accumulate. I would like to think I am a much better candidate to find someone to love who loves me back.
I forget where I heard it, but the saying goes like this, "I don't need a savior but rather a champion". I don't need someone to pay the bills, entertain me, or be the sexual partner of mythic lore. I would love to find a man who is ready, willing and able to share of himself with me. A guy to walk through life with.
Could being single so long have lead me to be more evolved in the relationship arena? I really think so. As easy as it would be to throw all the blame on my exes, I don't. I was never really a good partner to them any more than they were to me. We just hurt each other in different ways. I was damaged. I had a lot of hurt and insecurity inside. That translated to being the equivalent of a black hole of emotional need! No man, friend or parental role model could ever be, do or reassure me enough. This type of pressure on a partner, boyfriend can kill a relationship quicker than anything. So while its easy to look back and point the finger, I have found it better to just turn inward and really do some soul searching and some very long over due healing.
The healing has been slow and at time, very painful. I have dated a few times in the last 5 years, unsuccessfully I might add. The funny thing is that I always learn something more about myself through these failed attempts at partnering. So are they really failed attempts or just really good practice runs for "the one"? I think they are excellent opportunities to try out and refine how I have grown. At the very least, I am not making the same mistakes, so its still progress.
I guess you could say that I am okay with being single. I am contented. All of my personality quirks don't cause much drama. I clean once and it stays clean. There is a very real and palpable feeling of tranquility in my home. I am in a good place in my life. I no longer subscribe to the thought of having to have a partner in my life. Its really okay to be single. There is someone out there for me. I will keep growing, healing and learning about myself. Whats the worst thing that can happen? That I would be ready for Mr. Right?
Those are my thoughts on being single. Being single is not a dreaded form of social calamity, but rather a choice. I could still be with a couple of my exes. I chose to grow and discover me. So cut the next single person you see some slack. Don't assume they are miserable because they are single. They very well could be single and loving it.
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