I Want To Be Thankful......

I am sitting at my desk, its just past 5 a.m.  Its officially Thanksgiving.  Traditionally, its a day to give thanks for the bounty in is our lives.  I get the whole concept, trust me, I really do.  I am still struggling to be thankful though.  Am I bad?  I certainly feel very ungrateful and naughty.  Mmm  maybe I will just do some more emotional eating...yeah...good idea.  As I scamper off to the kitchen for another cup of coffee and a bagel smeared in cream cheese.

Okay, I have my coffee and just got done wiping cream cheese off of my keyboard.  Now back to this whole concept of being thankful.  I could list all of the things I am thankful for, or should be thankful for.  Would that really get me off the hook, so to speak?  This wasn't going to be easy.

My little heater is chugging away under my desk.  My toes are getting warm and I am staring out of the window in front of me.  I am watching the city outside come to life.  Am I thankful for what I have?  I guess I would have to figure out if I am supposed to be thankful for the people in my life or the things I have.  Could it be a mixture of both?  I never really thought about this day to this level before.  I am convinced this is some kind of mid-life, gay crisis thing.

I don't really feel like I want to be thankful today.  Does that make me a bad person?  Should I even care?  Why is this such a problem for me?  I just want to smack myself.  I want so badly to embrace and really get into the spirit of today but I just can't.  Besides the normal stuff people list as what they are thankful for I have nothing.

I am stuck on the whole static-ness of today.  Why just today?  Shouldn't we be thankful all the time?  Is this some sort of reminder?  Shouldn't being thankful be a little more of a process?  Ever changing, evolving and growing?  I think so.

There is much in my life to be thankful for.  Maybe just the simple act of contemplating what I have to be thankful for makes me thankful.  I think I have embraced the concept of thankfulness and yet I don't feel right about it.  Maybe its the fact I feel being thankful should be a process rather than just an accounting. If that is the case then I am a success at it.  I am thankful everyday for something different.  One day it could be for the perfect cup of coffee and the next day I am thankful for my home or a having a friend to share my life with.

I am satisfied now that being thankful is a process and I am where I should be.  I feel okay now.  Good thing I didn't smack myself huh?  Being thankful should be fluid.  It should change with the ebbs and flows of life.  As each day, each moment brings new things, events and people into our lives so our feelings of being thankful changes.

I have a smile on my face now.  The day can be lived with a sense of purpose.  Even though I am choosing to spend today alone.  I can relax knowing I am thankful and that today is just a focal point to remind people of the process of being thankful.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  May the bounty of your lives be  full of love and happiness.