Torch & Twang And A Set of Dimples

I as sit and gaze out my window from my desk I am flooded with so many different reactions to things I have seen in the last week or so.

Lets begin with the never ending Leann Rimes saga.  I have always like Leann's voice.  Amazing set of pipes on that little lady.  She stopped me dead in my tracks years ago when I heard her single "Blue" on the radio.  I have followed her career and was happy when she married and seemed to be not following the Tanya Tucker route of self destruction, which is so common for entertainers who achieve stardom so early.  Recently, however, I have stopped, paused and even gotten sick to my stomach as this woman has pissed, moaned and sniveled her way across far too many tabloid sheets for my taste.  I followed her on Twitter and watched this selfish, self-absorbed creature try to garner sympathy for the hurtful, nasty actions she has done.

Lets face the facts, Eddie and Leann met on a film.  They had an attraction.  They both claim, for whatever reason, "nothing happened during the filming."  The commenced a tawdry affair after the film though, so I don't get why they made that distinction?  They divorced their spouses and married each other.  Those are the facts.

Okay, so Eddie cheated on his wife and Leann cheated on her husband.  Call me old fashioned but I think they are both scumbags.  I am also a realist.  In reality, people fall in and out of like.  I have and I am sure who ever is reading this has.  The honorable thing would have been for Leann and Eddie to go back to their respective spouses and tell them they wanted out.  Again, color me a prude, but when you make a commitment, such as marriage, its not always about love.  Its a commitment to be with another.

In talking with some older folks who have been married, 30, 40 or 50 years, I hear a common theme.  The theme being about commitment and respect.  "Love is an emotion that can consume everything" one man told me.  His name was Andy.  He spoke to me at length about how he loved his wife beyond words when they married.  I peppered him with questions about his marriage.  He told me, after 15 years felt he was no longer "in love with her" but still loved her as the mother of his children and as a person.  He also related how after love came friendship and companionship.  Sharing mutual goals in life.  He said he always respected his wife and feels that was the crucial aspect that kept them together.  He is still married, 46 years now.  When I asked how he felt about his wife now I was stunned by his response.  "We fell in love, married, had children, and both fell out of what we thought was love.  We then became friends, partners and caretakers of each other's lives.  Once the children were grown we found no other person on the planet new us better than we knew each other.  No one loved us so completely unconditionally as we did.  I thought we were in love 50 years ago but that wasn't love, it was infatuation."

At this point I reached out and touched this man's wrinkled hand and just looked into his eyes.  I was having one of my many "holy fuck" moments.  I really was stunned into almost silence, but come on, this is me, I am never silent, really.  He continued to tell me that love is a process.  You have have attraction and from there, depending on the people involved you grow into love.  He told me he loves his wife with his entire being and couldn't even conceptualize a life without her in it.  He admits to having an affair, as did his wife.  This was one of the many low points in their marriage.  For him, love is trial and error, mistakes and forgiveness.  Living with a person, respecting them, growing together as people and as individuals is how he defined his concept of love.  You know, at this point, I had to ask he would marry me.  He laughed and said my perfect partner will come along.

This man and others prove to me that my understanding of love is commitment.  Commitment is a higher human emotion that is, quite frankly, forgotten lately.  I think divorce is a very real option for people when they just simply cannot work things out.  Sometimes it is better to separate and move on in life.  I also think there is a correct way to do it where the hurt is mitigated and lives do not have to be destroyed.

This is my issue with Leann and Eddie and, to be very honest, many people.  They have their desert before their dinner arrives.  Okay, so Leann and Eddie met, had an attraction.  So what?  Did they have to act on it?  No.  They could have very simply put their loins on hold and had the conversation with their respective spouses and set about ending their marriages before getting together.

I was in a relationship with Brad.  It was, at best, a rocky relationship.  Then I met Michael.  It was instant chemistry.  My body was on fire for this man.  I could not get enough of him.  We would see each other out and just talk.  Nothing more than a shoulder rub or eye contact ever happened.  I wanted to be with him every minute of every day.  Then came the night when he reached out and kissed me.  I still remember that kiss.  I have never been kissed that way again.  I pulled away and was filled with shame.  We talked about how I was in a relationship with Brad and I couldn't do this, I just couldn't.  We agreed to be just friends.

My relationship with Brad ended 6 months later.  I remember walking up to Michael one night and proudly announcing I was single.  I think we ran to his car to have sex.  We eventually moved in together.      We lasted about a year and half.  At the time I would have told you I loved Michael like I loved no other before him.  I can see now that it wasn't love, it was simply and overwhelmingly, an all consuming attraction.  Chemical or emotional it was there..woof.  I still get a tingle when I think of him.

I left Michael because his views on life, love and respect just weren't the same as mine.  We shared very little other than great sex and the ability to argue each other to death.  I miss Michael and wish him well.  I would love to still have him as a friend but he is unable to do that.  I respect that about him.

Back to task.  Leann and Eddie destroyed lives.  They have hurt their ex spouses and dare I say, traumatized Eddies children.  I watched the show on E! about Leann.  This is a very self-indulgent little lady.  I sat gobsmacked in front of my TV as she rationalized her part in such a public, hurtful situation.  The fake tears, the poetic pauses where well choreographed to do what Leann does best, perform.

Her explanation for her traumatic 30 days in Twitter rehab made me sick.  I heard her use the phrases I myself have heard a million times.  "Its strong to reach out for help."  When asked if she had any regrets about her actions, her reply is that she doesn't like the word regret, people "misuse" it.  Of course she doesn't like the word, if she did have regrets that would be a form of admitting she was wrong and she is very, very unwilling to do that.  That unto itself, tells me volumes about her and her character or lack thereof.

I am currently blocked by Leann on Twitter.  I guess she doesn't like my brand of in your face your wrong bitch tweets.  I don't buy the shit she tweets about love, light and rainbows.  Its BS, Nashville style.  Her tweets about another woman's children send me into another orbit of hatred for Leann.  She tweets pictures of Brandi and Eddie's boys in potentially dangerous situations and then when the public reacts, she downplays the seriousness of her thoughtless actions.  This is not a woman I would allow around my houseplants, let alone my children.

One day while reading about another one of Leann's bonehead moves it dawned on me.  Where the hell is Eddie in all of this?  Why is he so exempt from all the tabloid fodder?  He has his part in all this.  Why are people not holding his feet to same fire as they are doing to Leann.  If I was her, I would be pissed off, to say the least.  So why not Eddie.  My conclusion is that we still live in a very sexist society.  The man can cheat and leave, but its the mistress that is the whore, home wrecker.  Not very evolved if you ask me.  When it comes to the children, where the hell is this guy?  Usually quietly sitting off to the side, with his dimples intact smiling and looking oh so handsome.  Gross.  Meanwhile Leann is taking all the heat?  Like her not, what I am seeing is not very fair.

I don't like Leann anymore.  I refuse to support her music because of the hurtful and manipulative way she leads her personal life.  Her behavior on Twitter is repulsive.  Here is a little bit of reality Leann, PR is good for selling a product not erasing your responsibility in hurting others.  You will never spin yourself into being a good, kind, decent person.  Your relationship with your "soul mate" is born out of dishonesty and will probably end there as well.  You lack any part of what I consider to be good character traits to even have me view you as a decent person.  Ditto for you Eddie and even more so since Leann wasn't the first woman you stepped outside of your marriage with.

So I end this blog with just a thought.  Heed my friend Andy's advice.  Commit to honoring, respecting, and growing with another person.  Treat them well.  Forgive them when necessary.  For all that hard work you will be rewarded with a true and enduring love that will make you feel alive.

Nuclear Reaction - Taylor Armstrong

I found my reaction this evening to Taylor Armstrong to be well...over the top, even for me.  I had an actual physical reaction to her.  The way she moves, speaks and interacts with the other ladies on the show just makes me angry.  I am not an angry person by nature, but this woman just reaches in and tweaks the snot out of me.  I don't like it.

I am sure most of my followers, who love my funny tweets, noticed that I was off tonight.  I was.  In thinking about my reaction to Taylor I have come to some conclusions.  First, the fact that she is a con-artist bothers me.  Followed by her innate ability to see the flaws in others while completely ignore the glaringly obvious ones in herself.  She is pathological liar.  All of these are the reasons why I do not like this woman.

From the moment she started hinting she was abused I didn't believe her.  Her actions and interactions told me she was more likely to be an abuser than abused.  All the episodes where she gets drunk and attacks the other members of the show told me she was not abused.  This is not to say that abused people do not drink or get high.  They do and probably for good reasons.  It was the way she drank and the level of violence she exhibited when acting out with the other women that told me, if anything, she and  Russell were violent with each other.

What I realized tonight is my anger comes from her lying about being abused.  In a confusing and fucked up way, I felt her lying about being abused somehow diminished my own past abuse.  I realized that is not the case.  Taylor can lie and get people to buy her bullshit, but...but at the end of the day its just that, bullshit.  Her behavior will never diminish my past trauma nor anyone else's for that matter.  Progress right?

What does concern me is that her behavior will diminish the very real and present danger that every person, no matter their age, sex or economics, face.  That the public will see this succubi and her bullshit and become desensitized to the whole domestic violence situation.  She is on national TV.  She is currently the face of domestic violence or so she wants us to believe.  The only other person I can think of is RiRi (Rhianna) and her on and off again boyfriend Fist (Chris) Brown.  Another not so good example for the millions to see.

Could I be wrong about Taylor?  Sure.  Do I think I am?  Hell no!  This is how I see it.  Shauna Hughes, aka Taylor Hughes, aka Taylor Armstrong and Russell worked together to defraud and cheat people.  Long before Russell, Taylor was attempting to pass herself off as a member of the Ford (yes, the cars) family.  Her and Russell have worked in forming many different companies, such as the Nobel Foundation, which were nothing more than fronts for the grifts they currently were doing.  In fact, the actual Nobel family, famous for the Nobel Award, had to legally get Russell and Taylor to change the name of their company because they were intentionally misleading people about the true nature of their company.  With all the different names, Shauna Hughes, Shauna Ford, Shauna Taylor, Taylor Ford and Taylor Ford-Armstrong I just feel she is a consummate liar.

I think Taylor and Russell worked together to defraud people.  I think when the economy took a dive, most of the money they had rolling in from defrauding people dried up.  Tensions mounted, substances were abused, and fights erupted because the whole house of cards was crumbling around their feet.  The one thing a con-artist hates is to be found out.  Filing for bankruptcy, and potentially loosing their home was probably too much for the couple.  Being both very selfish people, it makes sense they would blame the other person.  I think Taylor was violent with Russell and he was probably violent with her.  Was Taylor a domestic abuse victim?  NO.  I believe she would get drunk, get into fights with her husband that escalated into physical violence.  What the relationship unhealthy?  Yes.  Due to the fact she and Russell were both con-artists.

Taylor doesn't resemble anyone, including myself, I have ever know that has truly been in an abusive relationship.  It took me 10 years of therapy to finally be able to stand up for myself after I left my abusive relationship.  To this day I don't allow myself the luxury of getting drunk around people I barely now.  There is danger in that!  I still jump a mile in the air if a person touches me.  Even when I care about them or if they are doing it nicely.  I consistently see Taylor bashing others.  I see her have no fear of getting up in someones face.  Talk to the people in my personal life, they will tell you that my tolerance level is very high.  I am not known for verbally violent outbursts.  Rather I am known to be very controlled, even under the most trying circumstances.  All very common traits many exhibit after severe abuse.

I thought about this tonight.  How many people are still buying the bullshit she is peddling.  It sickens me.  I did learn though that her actions do not diminish my experiences nor anyone else.  I will continue to slam Taylor with the truth every single chance I get.  I will to scream from the mountain tops that she is fraud.  It is my right under the first amendment.  I hope people listen and really think about Taylor.  Do some simple Googling and read all the reports on that woman.   For me, Taylor is a tragic miss as a person.  A liar, a cheat and pathetic excuse for a human being.  I pity her daughter for having her as a mother.  Most of all I am glad I understand myself and my reaction to her better.  I can move on from her and know she is, at best, a joke.

PETA & "Holocaust On Your Dinner Plate"

The European Court of Human Right upheld a German courts decision to ban PETA D's  (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animal, Germany) "Holocaust On Your Plate" campaign.

In November of this year, the European Court of Human Right (ECHR) held that German could, lawfully censor PETA D's campaign which consisted of 7 graphic posters analogizing animal exploitation and their slaughter to that of the Nazi Holocaust.  This has been in the courts since 2004 in Germany.  I have been watching and waiting to see if PETA D who challenged a Berlin regional court's 2004 injunction against the publication of the poster campaign, would decide to take this to Europe's version of our Supreme Court.  The Berlin court rejected PETA D's appeal.  PETA D then brought its case to the Federal Constitutional Court and then onto the ECHR, claiming that "the censorship violated Article 10 of the European Convention on Human Rights", which guarantees freedom of expression.

Both the Federal Constitutional Court and the ECHR rejected PETA D's claim.  They found that the parties who had sought the injunction against PETA D has been successful in satisfying part (b) of Article 10, which allows the governments to place some limits on free expression, to protect, for example, " the reputation or rights of others."

"Holocaust on Your Plate", was a campaign that consisted of 7 posters, which contained juxtaposed pictures of animals confined, mistreated while alive and then piled up after slaughter in farming operations.  On the other half of the same poster would be the humans, who were confined, mistreated while alive and then piled up after being slaughters during the Holocaust.  Each post included a short text that drew an analogy between the respective pictures.  I think we can all agree that reasonable minds could wildly differ on how to interpret the campaign.  The basic point was to call attention to the parallel between the ugly and very brutal practices that consumers of animal products support, on one hand, and the atrocities that happened during the Holocaust.

I want to believe, for the sake of this blog, that PETA was acting in "good faith."  Their aim was to bring attention to the uglier side of the animal products industry and to make the consumers of that industry really take a good look at what they are supporting via their consumption.  This is rather hard for me of late, due to several campaigns that PETA has undertook.  I think PETA made a huge, strategic mistake in comparing anything to the Holocaust.  Just an epic failure.  I think PETA lost the chance to reach, otherwise reasonable consumers, who would have otherwise been receptive to their message of animal rights and veganism.  Instead, they most likely outraged and offended many.

I do agree with most of what PETA stands for, and for the sake of this blog, will say provisionally, that I believe in their aims.  Some of PETA'S campaigns really make me wonder whether its goal is actually to gain notoriety for the organization itself.  The campaign posters of naked women, usually celebs, with the tag line "I'd rather go naked than wear fur, " which seems likely to appeal to the salacious interests of the public rather than to persuade people of the injustice of confining, torturing, and slaughtering of sentient beings.  Sometimes I just shake my head and roll my eyes.  I think to myself, what the hell were they thinking?

As the grandson of a Holocaust survivor.  I am sensitive to remarks which use the Holocaust to prove a point.  My grandmother survived the camps.  She lost her parents, brothers, sisters and the rest of her extended family.  I normally flinch when I hear people or their actions compared to the Holocaust.  I understand why people are so offended by any comparison to the Holocaust.  In comparing, say President Obama to Hitler, it does in a curious way diminish what Hitler did.  I think most of the offense people feel in Holocaust references comes from feeling this "diminishing"  of what has happened.

The various decisions upholding the German injunction had just this "diminished" flavor.  Comparing the slaughter of a group of humans to the widespread slaughter of nonhuman animals diminishes the worth and status of the humans in question as well as the severity of their tragedy.

I have to disagree with the Germans court premise.  As the Federal Constitutional Court acknowledged, PETA D did not mean to insult the victims and survivors of the Holocaust.  I think it meant instead to suggest that what is happening to animals should serve as a wake up call for consumers and ought to be seen as deeply disturbing to all people who rightly view the Holocaust as an outrageous injustice by humans against other humans.

I feel that PETA should, generally make the argument in terms that are far less threatening to an audience than in this campaign.  Nonetheless, the question that begs to be asked is, was the comparison threatening not because it challenges the worth and dignity of human victims, but rather because it challenges the justice of practices that almost every one of us was trained from early childhood to embrace.  It asks us to rethink the thing that "everyone is doing" and to consider that there may, despite its popularity and culturally accepted norms, be something fundamentally wrong with it.  The question then becomes when people identify themselves or their family members as victims of injustice, they therefore, become offended at the mere suggestion, that they are in fact perpetrating an injustice against other innocent victims.

So while I flinched when I originally saw the posters, I found myself thinking more about the underlying issues associated with this particular campaign.  I have had many discussions with friends about this campaign, PETA and the path it has taken through the courts.  I am still on the fence as to PETA's actions and motives in this campaign and other very controversial ones in the past.  I feel they spent way too much money to design and defend this campaign.  The money could have been spent more wisely and have much more of an educational impact on the audience PETA is trying to reach.

What do you think?  Did PETA go too far?  Do we diminish the suffering of humans by comparing them to nonhuman animals?  Do you think this campaign would have worked?  I am always curious to hear how others feel.  Let me know.

Of Innocence Lost

When I woke up today I was in a fairly good mood.  I had made it through the holiday relatively unscathed.  I had actually made it through a "Back Friday" shopping event at WalMart and got the two items I was in hot pursuit of.  It was all good.  I was bopping around the house cleaning and doing laundry.  My plan was to get the housework done early and spend a chilly Saturday afternoon playing on line.  I had a Scrabble tournament and looked forward to catching up with some Twitter pals.

I got a simple tweet from a man, Chris.  Chris and I have been doing some heavy duty on-line flirting and spending hours on the phone talking.  I guess you could say we are dating, except for the fact that we live in different states.  I have been liking the getting to know a person before actually meeting them aspect.  This is all very new to me, this on-line thing.  I have decided to just allow things to unfold.  No expectations, nothing but just talking and really getting to know a person.

 The person I have met is charming, intelligent, loving and above all, sweet.  At first, his level of empathy struck me as not authentic.  I thought, no one can be this kind and generous.  This guy is the real deal though.  Chris has re-awakened something in me I thought had either died or long gone dormant.  A little thing called HOPE.  As many of you know, my track record in regards to relationships is horrid.  This man has awoken hope that there could be a guy who is good for me.  For all of my snarky bravado, I am really just a guy who loves to be in love.  I, too, have a heart.

Anyhow, I went online, to Twitter and saw Chris had tweeted me.  I, of course said good morning and asked how his day was.  I got a tweet back which said he was fine now that he was home from the hospital.  I was shocked and asked why.  Friday evening, Chris's uncle and cousin decided to attack Chris for the sole reason of his being gay!  They used baseball bats, kicked him and said some of the most hateful and ugly words on him.  He is bruised from head to toe, has a cracked rib and several cuts which have required stitches.

I was thunder struck.  How could this happen to a man who is so loving and compassionate.  I immediately got very angry.  Yet when I told Chris I was weeping because I was so overwhelmed by the horror is suffered, he apologized to me!  To me!  This is the beautiful type of man that Chris is.  Always worried about others and how they feel.  He is truly special.  I am blessed to have such a man in my life.

When something like this happens to a person who has never had little, if any, violence in their lives the effect is catastrophic.  Simply, they have no point of reference or experience in dealing with something of this magnitude.  I think this almost compounds the situation and the after effects.  I felt I should have been the one to have this happen.  I am used to this level of evil.  If that can ever be the case.

We can all ask the questions of why or how could someone do this to another person.  I, having experienced this type of violence can tell you why or how.  Basically, there is evil in the world.  People are capable of some of doing some of the most horrific things to each other.  I guess that is what sets us apart from animals.  Animals don't rape, murder or hate each other based on sexuality.  So much for humans being superior huh?

My heart is very heavy at this writing.  I am filled with many different and complex emotions.  I don't want to understand why they did this.  I don't care.  I consider them and people like them, to be bad and beyond help and should be put down, like a rabid animal.  I am angry because this part of life has touched a person who, until now, had not been privy to such abhorrent behavior.  I weep because there is a certain level of innocence which has been stolen from a man and taken from the world.  I hurt because his body hurts.  I am stoic because I know, I know the depth of just how this will affect him.

Chis now stands in the pantheon with all the others who, before him have been hurt or killed because they were gay.  Its a special place where the members hope and pray for no new members.  In an odd way, its almost as if its a rite of passage.  He has had to join us in the struggle for equality whether he wanted to or not.  I really thought the last 20 years had made things better.  People were less apt to resort to violence in regards to homosexuality.  I guess I am horribly wrong.  I am very sad.

So I ask where is the gay community on education?  Why are we so worried about Marriage Equality and yet there is still a level of violence against gays in this country?  Why is AIDS on the raise again within the gay community and why has there been no outcry because AIDS medication programs are being stopped?  Have we come so far and gotten a taste of equality that we are forgetting the fundamentals?  I really, and I will probably blog further on this, do think the gay community has, is and will continue to drop the ball on really pushing the whole marriage equality issue.  Where is the support this man will need to help come to terms on what happened to him?  Is the gay community so obsessed with Marriage Equality as to spend millions of dollars on ballot initiatives for marriage equality yet they won't spend the money to have local, regional help the average gay person can have access too?

Its at moments like this when I really get so angry and disgusted with the gay community.  I remember during the AIDS crisis of the 80's and 90's just how organized and galvanized we were.  There were local AIDS support offices everywhere.  Look around, where are they now?  Most have closed.  Some state there is no longer a need.  I beg to differ.  I remember organizing security teams to patrol the parking lots at gay bars in the 90's.  So that we could go out and not worry about getting jumped when we left.  Where is that level of involvement now?  I don't see it.

What I do see is millions of dollars pouring into huge organizations like Lambda Legal, GLAD and others, but I am not seeing anything on a local, state or regional level.  There isn't any network for gays who suffer violence as a result of being gay.  There isn't.  This should outrage and shame gay people.  At what expense will marriage equality come?  There is more to the gay agenda than that.  More needs that are not being met by those organizations that tout they are trying to make out lives better.  I am so disgusted I cannot even begin to convey my true feelings.

A small piece of innocence was last on Friday night.  The world, yes the whole world, is forever changed.  Every time an act of violence is committed the world is darker for it.  We are all connected with each other.  Every time something like this happens its another reason for someone to remain in the closet and be forced to live in the world of shadows.  Lives lived only partly because they are not free to love whom they choose.  At this moment I would have to give the human race a score of D-.  We are slowly losing our humanity.  The one thing that is so beautiful about humans, our humanity is chip by chip, being eroded away.

I live by a simple, yet I feel profound motto.  "Every time I see or feel hurt, I will commit an act of love".  The only true weapon against evil is good.  I will hold Chris.  I will comfort him.  I will work to help heal him from this atrocity.  I want him to know he is brave, kind and above all loved.  I vow to not let what happened define him or inhibit him.  I see the innocence lost and will help to replace it with wisdom.  I will simply choose to love instead of hate.

I Want To Be Thankful......

I am sitting at my desk, its just past 5 a.m.  Its officially Thanksgiving.  Traditionally, its a day to give thanks for the bounty in is our lives.  I get the whole concept, trust me, I really do.  I am still struggling to be thankful though.  Am I bad?  I certainly feel very ungrateful and naughty.  Mmm  maybe I will just do some more emotional eating...yeah...good idea.  As I scamper off to the kitchen for another cup of coffee and a bagel smeared in cream cheese.

Okay, I have my coffee and just got done wiping cream cheese off of my keyboard.  Now back to this whole concept of being thankful.  I could list all of the things I am thankful for, or should be thankful for.  Would that really get me off the hook, so to speak?  This wasn't going to be easy.

My little heater is chugging away under my desk.  My toes are getting warm and I am staring out of the window in front of me.  I am watching the city outside come to life.  Am I thankful for what I have?  I guess I would have to figure out if I am supposed to be thankful for the people in my life or the things I have.  Could it be a mixture of both?  I never really thought about this day to this level before.  I am convinced this is some kind of mid-life, gay crisis thing.

I don't really feel like I want to be thankful today.  Does that make me a bad person?  Should I even care?  Why is this such a problem for me?  I just want to smack myself.  I want so badly to embrace and really get into the spirit of today but I just can't.  Besides the normal stuff people list as what they are thankful for I have nothing.

I am stuck on the whole static-ness of today.  Why just today?  Shouldn't we be thankful all the time?  Is this some sort of reminder?  Shouldn't being thankful be a little more of a process?  Ever changing, evolving and growing?  I think so.

There is much in my life to be thankful for.  Maybe just the simple act of contemplating what I have to be thankful for makes me thankful.  I think I have embraced the concept of thankfulness and yet I don't feel right about it.  Maybe its the fact I feel being thankful should be a process rather than just an accounting. If that is the case then I am a success at it.  I am thankful everyday for something different.  One day it could be for the perfect cup of coffee and the next day I am thankful for my home or a having a friend to share my life with.

I am satisfied now that being thankful is a process and I am where I should be.  I feel okay now.  Good thing I didn't smack myself huh?  Being thankful should be fluid.  It should change with the ebbs and flows of life.  As each day, each moment brings new things, events and people into our lives so our feelings of being thankful changes.

I have a smile on my face now.  The day can be lived with a sense of purpose.  Even though I am choosing to spend today alone.  I can relax knowing I am thankful and that today is just a focal point to remind people of the process of being thankful.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  May the bounty of your lives be  full of love and happiness.

Down and Out in Beverly Hills - Reality Responsibility

I normally do not blog about the housewives.  This blog is a response to what I witnessed with Taylor Armstrong and Kim Richards, both cast members on the Bravo TV's Real Housewives of Beverly Hills this week.  I am still in shock over the change in Kim's appearance from the first episode to number 3 which aired last night.  Kim, who is a self confessed alcoholic, only had maybe 60 days clean when they started filming for Season 3.  I am not a professional, but this is cruel.  I cannot imagine any mental health professional, nor rehab counselor ever giving their okay to a person, who is new into recovery, tape a reality show.  Especially one on Bravo.

Let me just start out by saying I do not like Kim.  I find her a sad story.  She is an aging child star with obvious mental and substance abuse issues.  Kim is one of those people that have fallen through the cracks.  She has.  Lets not pussyfoot around the issue.  She is a broke bitch.  She has obviously spent the money she made from the Disney movies she starred in.  We hear from Kim's sister, Kyle, that they have been underwriting Kim's life for years.  More sadness.  From a "bitch gotta get paid" standpoint I understand why she is one the show.  Its just sad to see a person committing the slowest form of suicide each week on TV for a few dollars.

We all witnessed Kim's cosmic melt downs last year.  All her drunken follies were televised.  Her drug use was as plain as the nose on my face.  She found that plastic sandwich bag and straw in the back of the limo and proudly exclaimed to the camera that "its not mine, I don't know whose it is".  Really?  

Besides all the drama, cattiness that make the housewives show watchable, Kim is a person.  When the season premiered I notice a marked physical change in Kim.  She looked good.  Healthy.  We are now into the 3rd episode of the show and Kim is looking like a wreck.  I am seeing the gaunt, lack of sleep, dull, glazed look of a good buzz in her face.  She is slurring her words.  I may not like Kim on the show but I certainly do not wish to see her emotionally implode on national TV.  

I am disgusted with how this woman is being used and treated.  I would never expect Kim's fame whore sisters, Kyle Richards or Kathy Hilton (Paris Hilton's mother) to support Kim and suggest her taking a season off of the show to get some sober time in...but...what about Bravo TV?  What the hell is wrong with this network?  Are ratings that important?  

I think Kim should not be on the show period.  She is obviously using again.  I believe she is a cross addicted person.  She loves the hooch and the drugs.   I also think Kim could possibly have a mental condition other than her issues with anxiety.  I think she might be bi-polar or even major depressive.  To have this women on a show that is so invasive is beyond cruel.  If that were my sister, I would have her Baker Acted and sue the hell out of Bravo.  I cannot believe Kim's signature on a contract would even be considered binding since she probably signed under the influence.  If  I were her brother, I would be holding Bravo TV personally responsible for her should anything happen.

Now on to Taylor, Lips Inc., Armstrong.  I have always been very vocal about the fact I didn't believe a word that fell off the super huge lips of Taylor.  She is a grifter, liar, and con artist extraordinaire.  Again, I cannot believe this woman is allowed to be on a reality show.  It has, at the time of taping, been only about 9 months after her husband hung himself!  It makes me want to vomit.  Let me go on the record, openly and publicly, that I do not believe for one nano second that Taylor was the victim of domestic abuse.  Do I think she was in an unhealthy relationship?  Sure.  I believe she hit Russell and he smacked her.  I think they were both very verbally and physically abusive to each other.

Taylor is not your run of the mill broad.  She has a long history of lying.  Almost as big as her lips is the amount of people that both she and Russell scammed money out of.  This is not the lost little waif from Oklahoma she would like us all to believe.  She is a very cunning and criminally sophisticated woman.

I think the reason why Taylor and her "victim status" so outrage me is because I am a survivor of domestic abuse.  I was also raised by a verbally and physically abusive mother (see my blog, Open Letter to Mother).  As a person who has lived with a man who brutally beat me, poured boiling water on me, and threw me out of moving car I believe myself to be somewhat of a expert on domestic violence.  What I am seeing in Taylor and her behaviors is not jiving with my experience nor anyone else's I have known or spoken with.

Taylor's behavior is just not consistent with someone who has been brutalized by a spouse.  She drinks uncontrollably  places herself in very unsafe conditions and runs around telling anyone who will stand still long enough, just what a victim she is.  It just doesn't jive.  

For 2 years we have watched and listened to Taylor go on and on about what Russell was doing to her.  For 2 years I have never seen a mark.  Not one.  The supposed black eye she had on the final episode of season 2 was bullshit.  She looked as if she had been on a bender,  not gotten the shit kicked out her as she proposed had happened.  For 2 years we have watched Taylor's moods swing between victim and victimizer.  She gets drunk and starts screaming at people and trying to physically attack them.  Her behavior is that of a narcissistic person not a victim.

From my own experience as a child who was constantly beaten, I was always too ashamed to tell anyone.  In my marriage, again, more shame.  I didn't even tell my closest friends.  I have had employers pull me aside and ask about bruises, stitches, broken noses and arms and silently died on the inside of shame and humiliation.  Why have we never seen any of this from Taylor?  Someone, somewhere has had to have seen something, yet no one comes forward to back up her claims.

I am calling for the removal of Taylor from the show.  She sets the Domestic Violence movement back 20 years.  She is only a poster child for the death penalty in my eyes.  Lying about being brutalized by a spouse is on par with saying you have cancer and don't have it, only to gain sympathy.  Its disgusting and deplorable   It minimizes those who have suffered, will suffer and are suffering at the hands of a loved one.  

When Russell committed suicide, I called on Bravo to take what was horrible situation and use it and educate the public on suicide and domestic violence.  This was a network, it had a national platform in which to get the message out.   Instead, we got a 5 minute prologue of the other wives and husbands sitting around talking about Taylor and an 800 number flashed on the screen.

For any of you that follow me on Twitter, you know I have razor sharp whit and a very snarky sense of humor.  I cannot find any humor in watching a person slowly destroy themselves with booze and/or drugs.  Bravo should be ashamed of themselves for putting Kim on this season in any capacity other than a cameo spot, if at all.  I cannot believe I have not heard more of an outcry from the masses where Kim is concerned.  Where the hell is Dr. Drew?  Why hasn't he weighed in on Kim?.  Normally he has his two cents in on everything related to celebs and their drug/alcohol issues.  Am I the only one that is sad to see Kim be trotted out in front of the camera's like a present day Judy Garland?

I would like to think anyone who has ever been abused would see Taylor for the fraud she is.  Again, I cannot be the only one to see this!  Can I?  Really?  Blogs have been written, new articles published about what a consummate liar she is but no one has taken the time to really get to the bottom of her fake abuse allegations.  Russell's family, ex-wife all say he was incapable of that level of violence.  Normally, abusers kill others not themselves.  I am just so outraged by this woman.  

I would like to hope that whomever reads this blog thinks about how a network who wants to desperately  be known for its Gay friendly, female empowerment programming could possibly be letting these two women continue to appear on their network.  Where is Bravo TV's social conscience?  Where are we, as viewers/consumers of Bravo's programming, in demanding some form of social responsibility from Bravo?

It is already too late for this season but do we have to endure another season of watching Kim slowly kill herself?  Do we really have to be subjected to Taylor and her lies next season?  Please think about how you feel about Kim and Taylor and make your thoughts known and heard at Bravo TV. 

On Being Single

One of the funniest things I have noticed is just how concerned people get when they learn you are single.  People always frown when they hear I am single.  I smile and wait for their, "I have a friend/co-worker" speech.  It is always the same.  From the young to the very old, its a pity party, table of one type of deal.  I am almost sick and tired of having to defend my right to be single and still be happy.

Living alone is a wonderful thing.  I am completely at peace when I walk through the door of my apartment.  Guess what?  Its still just as I left it.  Clean.  I am not tripping over someones shoes nor am I walking into a person who is either happy or full of drama.  Its just little old goofy me and my fish, Shithead.  Its peaceful in my home.  Usually there is the sound of only the radio going, NPR (National Public Radio), of course.  I walk to the bedroom kick off my shoes, hang up my coat and sit down on the bed.  I normally slip into my favorite Old Navy sweats and throw on my 4X hoodie and relax.

I enjoy the solitude.  I have forgotten what its like to live with another person.  Sometimes, I even think I may never want to.  Besides who said if your in love you should live under the same roof?  Maybe I am one of those people who do better living alone?  Who knows?.  But right now I  love it.

Since I have lived alone these last 10 plus years, I have discovered many things about myself I don't believe I would have otherwise had the opportunity to discover.  For instance, I am a bed swimmer.  I am all over my bed when I sleep now.  That never happened when I shared it with someone.  I would fall asleep and usually wake in the same position.  Now, I am all over that bad boy.  By the way, I invested heavily in my bed about 5 years ago.  Its an all natural fiber, double stuffed pillow top, queen sized mattress.   I am so glad I spent the $$$ on it.  We have a very unique and loving relationship, my mattress and I.  I tend not to skimp on the sheets I use nor the pillows I have.  My sheets are an investment in my eyes.  Like Oprah, I love a high thread count.  I prefer the 1500 thread count, Egyptian cotton sets.  Like butter!  My pillows are just as important.  I have 6 of the bad boys.  I love to snuggle down, read from my tablet and relax.  There are days I do not get out of bed.  Who would know?  I am single and get to indulge like that.  Comfort and choices are all mine.  I call the shots now.  There isn't someone else to consider.  I like that.

Lets face it, I was raised by an abusive mother, am divorced from my abusive ex-husband and I kinda suck at relationships.  Just the other day, while sitting in my sun room, I noticed I felt safe.  I mean really safe and secure.  I couldn't remember the last time I felt that way.  I smiled to myself because I had created this feeling.  Its my space and no body else's.  I reveled in feeling safe.  I don't know if anyone else can relate to the joyousness of feeling safe, but after my childhood and early adulthood, its a blessing of the major kind.

From time to time to time I miss the human contact.  I have one person in my life who has made it her life's work to make me physically feel another person's touch.  My therapist Kathy.  At the end of every session, she gets up and hugs me.  Sometimes its the only human contact I have, both verbal and physical.  I don't get sad about it anymore.  I have come to embrace my singularity.  Again, its a safe-feeling thing.

I wonder sometimes what its like to be involved in a family or relationship that is full and busy.  I don't think I have ever had a relationship but rather just a series of "user-ships".  Its started with my mother, who used us kids to trap her husbands, all three of them-poor bastards, to all of my boyfriends and partners.  They get what they wanted from me and when there was nothing left, they leave.  I see that pattern now and have moved forward to ensure that my needs and wants are being heeded and taken care of.  I come first now.  Am I a little selfish?  I don't think so.  I just make sure the other person is, at the very least, attempting to me in the emotional center.

With a certain level of healing from hurts of the past, comes a large sense of peace.  I continue to heal and grow as a man.  Ever so gently lightening the load of emotional baggage we all eventually accumulate.  I would like to think I am a much better candidate to find someone to love who loves me back.

I forget where I heard it, but the saying goes like this, "I don't need a savior but rather a champion".  I don't need someone to pay the bills, entertain me, or be the sexual partner of mythic lore.  I would love to find a man who is ready, willing and able to share of himself with me.  A guy to walk through life with.

Could being single so long have lead me to be more evolved in the relationship arena?  I really think so.  As easy as it would be to throw all the blame on my exes, I don't.  I was never really a good partner to them any more than they were to me.  We just hurt each other in different ways.  I was damaged.  I had a lot of hurt and insecurity inside.  That translated to being the equivalent of a black hole of emotional need!  No man, friend or parental role model could ever be, do or reassure me enough.  This type of pressure on a partner, boyfriend can kill a relationship quicker than anything.  So while its easy to look back and point the finger, I have found it better to just turn inward and really do some soul searching and some very long over due healing.

The healing has been slow and at time, very painful.  I have dated a few times in the last 5 years, unsuccessfully  I might add.  The funny thing is that I always learn something more about myself through these failed attempts at partnering.  So are they really failed attempts or just really good practice runs for "the one"?  I think they are excellent opportunities to try out and refine how I have grown.  At the very least, I am not making the same mistakes, so its still progress.

I guess you could say that I am okay with being single.  I am contented.  All of my personality quirks don't cause much drama.  I clean once and it stays clean.  There is a very real and palpable feeling of tranquility in my home.  I am in a good place in my life.  I no longer subscribe to the thought of having to have a partner in my life.  Its really okay to be single.  There is someone out there for me.  I will keep growing, healing and learning about myself.  Whats the worst thing that can happen?  That I would be ready for Mr. Right?

Those are my thoughts on being single.  Being single is not a dreaded form of social calamity, but rather a choice.  I could still be with a couple of my exes.  I chose to grow and discover me.  So cut the next single person you see some slack.  Don't assume they are miserable because they are single.  They very well could be single and loving it.