Hello Kitty

Just a couple of days ago I adopted a rather large cat.  Cinnamon, aka Moose, is a mature kitty of 7 years and approximately 18 pounds.  I found him on RescueMe.org .  I am enjoying have the pitter pat, okay, who am I kidding, he sounds like a line backer running through the house, but still....I love having him around.  Moose is clean, quiet and extremely loving.  I am very blessed to have this little creature, whom by the way, I think can take me in a street fight.

His family had proposed this whole "foster family" thing on the rescue sight.  I bought it.  I was looking for a mature cat, no kittens and one that was in need of a home.  I don't necessarily like shelters because  of the attitudes of the do-gooders that normally work in those places.  They are like the women who work at battered women's shelters, they hate men.  The folks, and this is another generalization, who work at animal rescue shelters tend to hate humans and therefore make adoptions very difficult.  Why?  Because they can.  So I thought I was doing a good thing.  I would get an animal more my speed and someone would know their animal would be in a good, loving home.  That is where the feel good part of this story ends.

I emailed Moose's family.  The very next morning I was emailed back.  We decided to speak on the phone.  I spoke with, I will call her Jane, to protect her identity (although I should out her for the liar that she is) and she seemed to be a very normal, sweet Mother and Wife.  We chatted a little bit about the kitty and I told her about how I lost mine a few years ago and had not wanted to adopt again until recently.  I was told Cinnamon, aka Moose, was in good health, 18 pounds, was fixed and was up to date on all of his shots.  Sounds good right?  Wait...its gets better.  I was told about his sick Mom and how Cinnamon and his brother were the only two to survive birth.  How her sons allergies were really forcing them to place this foster cat they loved so dearly.  My heart strings were being played like a bad fiddler at a whore house now.  So now you have the picture.

Jane offered to have me come to her house, which is over 2 hours away.  When I emailed her and said I couldn't get out to her house to meet Cinnamon her response was quick and decided.  She offered to bring the cat here.  She also professed to have "immediately connected with me" and would bring all of Cinnamon's things with her, her husband and son, just in case I really fell in love with Cinnamon.  Again, huge, big, red flag that either I decided to ignore or should have my head examined to see why I didn't find this at all peculiar at the time.  Anyhow, I was over joyed and thought how wonderful this  family was to go through all of this extra effort to find their kitty a home

They, Jane, her husband Jeff and their son were standing in my driveway about 3 hours later.  Kitty in the carrier, couple of bags of liter and some food and a tower that Moose couldn't have possibly fit into since he was say, a year old.  (Insert major eye roll here)

I met Moose and he was just the sweetest, shyest little guy.  I immediately fell in love with him.  They stayed about 15 minutes.  The vet records she said she had, she didn't.  She did have the name of the vet, well maybe.  She couldn't remember the vet she used for the last 7 years.  Go ahead, say, "Lucien, you big dumb fuck."  Go ahead, say it, I have.

So they left and Cinnamon spent the night on the bottom shelf of one of my kitchen cabinets.  Looking like Adolf Hitler was after him and he was Jewish.   He growled and was timid.  It was sad.  I made sure he had some food and water and knew where his little box was and left him to settle in.  The next morning is when everything that I missed started to settle in.  The questions in my mind were starting to pile up and it was not looking like this was going to be as wonderful as I thought.

Firstly, how in the hell would a mother make her children suffer through 7 years of allergies only to decide to get rid of a beloved pet, aka foster animal?  Why wouldn't you know the name of the vet who fixed and gave yearly shots to said beloved family pet?  Why in the hell would both husband and wife take a day off from work to rush the cat to a person they didn't even know?

I decided to call the vet on the only piece of paper I had.  Moose's mothers paid receipt for Rabbies Vaccination.  Freak chance, yes they knew of Cinnamon.  They had treated him since birth.  He was a healthy, large cat and was last seen in 2011.  Yes, he was fixed and then the question of the hour was asked of me.  The vet tech asked, "can you tell me why they adopted him out to you?"  Stunned I gave the vet tech the same bullshit answer I was given.  Allergies.  She didn't buy it.  I could tell by her stunned silence.  "Yeah lady, I am thinking the same thing too!" I was thinking to myself.

It was at this point I got angry.  I was angry because I was feeling like these people had lied, skirted around the truth and there was still something very "hinky" about this whole affair.  As Cinnamon was brushing against my legs, I text Jane.  The response I got wasn't so friendly this time.  When I confronted her about his not being up to date on his shots, she told me he was.  Lie.  When I asked why his teeth were not taken care of, she said there was no problem.  Again, LIES.  When I asked why she lied about her kids having allergies and if they did have allergies, why wait 7 years to place the cat?  I was told she didn't like my tone and click, she hung up on me.  That was the last I have heard from her.  I don't expect to hear from her again.  Loser that she is.

I know a few things about cats.  First off, I need to get Moose his shots.  Not a problem.  I noticed though, his teeth had a lot of plague build up on them.  I also noticed his rear nails were very long.  This is what clued me up to the fact he hadn't seen a vet in a while.  I have since made the necessary appointments with my vet.  They can do a complete screening on him and make sure he is healthy.  He seems very healthy.  Eats well, drinks fine and does his business in his box (thankya Jesus).

He has since come into his own a little more.  Take now for instance.  He is sitting beneath my chair and purring.  He is extremely loving and is very sweet.  He is still very shy about noises and seems to have an extreme fear of the front door.  Its okay.  My home is very quiet and I am sure he will settle in to a nice little routine in the coming weeks and will hopefully learn that fear is not needed here.  We offer only love and really good kibble here at Chez Lucien's.

What bothers me the most about this whole affair is the fact that a grown, professional woman would stoop to lying to get rid of a cat that I obviously wanted.  I am not seeing any particular behavioral problems you would think of as reasons for getting rid of an animal.  Like peeing on the carpets, shredding furniture, etc.  None of that has happened yet.  Her husband seemed to be very unhappy with giving up the cat and the son seemed very medicated.  I am happy to house, feed, love and take care of Moose.  I guess only time will tell if I adopted a special needs animal or just a cat whose family was tired of him.  Everything they gave me was dirty.  The carrier, the little carpeted tower and the 3 food bowls.  All were filthy.  They even brought his liter box with dirty liter in it.  These people do not strike me as a family who take care of their animals.  I am more than happy to take Moose off their hands.  At least I know I will provide good care for him.

So, please welcome Mr. Cinnamon, aka Moose to my home.  Gift cards can be sent c/o of me, LMAO.  I am excited and hopeful the two of us will make great roommates.  I love forward to getting to know him and love him.

Jesus Jugs And The Bullies

As most of you know, I rarely, if ever, blog about the Real Housewives.  There are just so many more folks that do it better than I can and to be very honest, I have more fun live tweeting during the shows.  Its a challenge for me in 140 characters or less to be funny, snarky and of course, cutting.  So for me to sit down and write a blog about one or more of the housewives you just know my Nancy had to be tweaked, and tweaked it was.

How do I start this rant blog?  Do I ease into a dialogue about Alexis and her ever not so effervescent hubbs, Jim?  That this not so dynamic duo make a living at being victims?  Do I just jump into stats and facts in regards to Alexis' newly learned word "Bully"?  Do I, do I, do I?  Naw, I will just add some 30 mg. nicotine oil to my vaporizor e-cig and try to ease into the hot mess that is Alexis and her incessant need to be viewed as a victim to remain relevant enough to warrant staying on a show that to be frank, would probably do much better with her off of it.

Alexis last season appeared to be the victim.  Gay Gasp!  No Lucien, it cannot be you say.  Well my darlings I say she should have gotten an Oscar for her award winning performance as the most dull and very understood twit of the year.  That is saying something on a channel who also showcases such extraordinary talents as Jacqueline Laurita, Caroline and her Cabbage Patch Kids, Manzo.  Let us not forget, "I'm the victim Theresa, not you..." Melissa Gorga.  Another fine example of why birth control needs to be readily available on every street corner.  In fact, I would recommend many to develop an on going drug habit with birth control.

This season, Jesus Jugs, my pet name for Alexis, which has been hijacked and used all over the place, is once again attempting to become the victim.  She is scared of the big, evil, nasty, wicked Tamra and the Axis of Evil which is comprised of Retching Gretchen, and Miss Manners, aka Heather Dubrow.  So why for all that is good and sweet in the world would this bony, silicon injected, fine, upstanding Christian woman subject herself to those who she had to medicated herself to deal with?

Alexis and her uber controlling hubbs, Jesus Jim, need the cash.  Lets be honest shall we.  They is "sho nuff trying to live like white folks."  Jim has failed at just about everything he has attempted to do.  Why?  Because as with most of their ilk, they are phony to the core.  Jeez, Taylor Armstrong just popped into my head.  You get the point.  They lie, they embellish, the rent homes, cars, jewelry and etc. so they can appear to be like everyone else.  So they can feel like they belong.  And that insecurity is really at the heart of Alexis and her bullying bullshit.

Bullying seems to be a catch phrase now.  What I have noticed of late is that not many actual victims of bullying run around exclaiming they are being bullied.  Normally, they sit and suffer very silently.  To be bullied is very humiliating.  Take me for example.  It took me well into my 30's to be able to look someone in the eye and utter the words, "I was really bullied in school."  Gee whiz it still makes me feel embarrassed so say it.  What I have also noticed is a lot, and I mean a lot, of very insecure people and those who get caught lying , seem to use the word bully to deflect attention away from their own negative behaviors and have the focus shift to someone else.

Ah, the 30 mgs of nicotine in my e-cig is kicking in....So when I watched Alexis and her buddy, Lydia, aka Clamydia and Icky Vicki walk into that party I just knew the proverbial shit was gonna hit the fan.  Tamra is not known for her temperance and I kind of like the raw, edginess of personality.  She is filter-less.  I can appreciate her inappropriateness...sadly, many can't.  Ho hum.

The last we knew JJ (Jesus Jugs) was threatening to sue Tamra and hadn't spoken since the ugly reunion show.  So why in G-D's name would Alexis even think of showing up to a dinner hosted by Tamra?  To re-enforce her role on the show as the poor, little, lamb-like victim she wants us to believe she is.  Bullshit.  I am throwing down the "fuck you, you're full of shit card."

JJ had to know that Tamra was gonna be on point.  Why would a bullying victim subject herself to yet another attack?  She was still gonna get her paycheck from Bravo.  We saw the Jumps for Jesus trampoline park her and Jesus Jim were now doing.  So what was the point?  Relevance people, relevance and nothing more. Sorry JJ but I have been around the block far to many times to be manipulated by some insipid twit who is insecure about being on a show and tries to use the pain of others to make herself relevant.  Not buying it anymore than I bought the self serving fuckery of an interview with Leann Rimes, another succubi of humanity.

Now we have JJ in the victim role, Titillating Tamra and the Axis of Evil clearly defined by JJ.  No matter what happens from this point, insecure, manipulative, lying Alexis will have those who feel the need to defend her sophomoric behaviors and her role on the show is now cemented..but is it? (Bella Lugosit laugh now with some creepy organ music in the background)

For those who are actually bullied this is a travesty.  Their experiences, their pain has been discounted by Alexis.  Kelly Bensimone, another fine example of why electro-shock therapy doesn't work,  also had no other way to be relevant other than appearing in a victim role.  People really need to stop using the word Bully so much.  It is becoming so common that actual, real victims of it, are not getting the help they need because when we see people who are clearly not being bullied, we tend to see all who claim to be being bullied that way, as liars.  We all know that Alexis, Kelly are not bullying victims.  They are talking heads on a "reality" show.  They choose to be there.  They choose to interact with the other women on the show.  These women are not socially ostracized.  They are not afraid of any form of physical violence. There is no group or persons who are harassing them to the point their lives are in a state of constant anxiety.  So tell me where is the bullying?  I am not seeing it.

What I do see is several strong women addressing the bullshit that Alexis pulls and I see Alexis not liking that its being filmed and seen by millions.  That is all I see.  So Jesus Jugs shut the hell up about being a victim of bullying.  Also, could you leave my comments on your blog up, you wuss.  Did I hit a little to close to home?  That's right folks, she deleted my comment I left on her blog...so much for Freedom of Speech that I heard so much about last year from that monkey fart hubbs of hers, Jesus Jim. I guess only they get to have an opinion or have the ability to speak freely.

This bitch will have always have the last word......Smooches darlings

I Am A Vaper

I have officially entered a new world.  The wonderfully strange, exotic and sometimes overwhelming world of electronic smoking.  Vaporizing or ECigs are the latest rage.  Recently a friend of mine turned me on to this electric vaporizing contraption.  See the pic....

It basically turns nicotine oil into a vapor, hence you get the nicotine without actually smoking.  I was a pack a day smoker.   For the last 4 years I have been rolling my own, another world that was mastered.  I started rolling my own cigarettes when I moved from Virginia to Connecticut and I saw a pack of cigs go from $3.20 in VA to almost $9.00 in CT.  By rolling my own cigarettes I could for the price of one carton smoke for an entire month.

I have to admit I liked smoking.  I loved the ritual of smoking.  What I didn't like was the smell and the mess around the house.  I tried smoking outside, but lets face it I am a wuss when it comes to being too cold or too hot.  I think I smoked outside for all of 2 days.  Needless to say, my house smelled like cigs.   No matter what I did, I could never really get rid of the smell.  Then there was the annoying ashes everywhere.

So you can imagine my surprise when my friend, another ardent, long time smoker got this little contraption and had no cravings and actually enjoyed the damn thing.  First my friend reported 3 days and no cigs, then a week and now its been over a month for her.  I received my contraption from my friend for my birthday.  That was over a week ago.  I have had 6 cigs since I started "Vaping" as they call it.

I actually am enjoying the fact that the nicotine smell is leaving my house.  While I collect ashtrays, I don't use one anymore.  Maybe they can become candy dishes?  Anyhow, there is an entire sub-culture for this product.  The technical term is Vaporizor.  In the above picture, the part I am holding with my hand is actually a rechargeable Lithium battery with different voltage settings.  The top part where the "ejuice" is (smokey colored class section) loaded is called a "cartomizer".  This is where the coil heats up a cloth wick and turns the oil into a vapor which I then inhale.  My entire kit runs around $35.00 for both pieces and a bottle of "ejuice".  Still cheaper than a carton of cigs or even a bag of loose tabacco to roll.

The vapor tastes very much like a menthol cig.  There is no smell and can legally be inhaled just about anywhere.  Just today I walked down the isle at my local supermarket "vaping" away while shopping.  There are no laws regarding vaping and I love to tell folks that fact.  

As always, I turned to the internet to learn more about my new toy and was overwhelmed at the sub-culture that I found.  There is an entire movement out in the world.  I just kept thinking to myself, "why hadn't I heard of this before?"  Its cheap, effective and the health risks compared to smoking are all but nonexistent.  There is a whole set of jargon and lingo that goes with my new toy.  Blogs, youtube videos and internet shops galore!  Imagine my amazement.

Anyone who knows me knows I embrace technology freely.  I am a guy after all.  I love all things electronic so it seems very logical for me to electronically smoke.  Hell, everything in my life is rechargeable.  I like the idea of getting my nicotine fix without any of the muss, fuss or expense.  I have trolled the net and have learned much.  I have yet to find a down side.

It appears I will be now smoking for only $20 a month.  The cost of the "ejuice".   Big difference from over $100 a month I was spending.  Not to mention the fact  I spent countless hours rolling those G-ddamn cigs and then had the smell and mess from them.  I also like the people that I have come into contact with.  They are all very helpful and share little secrets they have learned along the way.  Which batteries are the best, which cartomizers work and what flavors of oils they like.  No one can help me enough.  

So there you have it, I am a "Vaper" to put it in their vernacular.  I plan on eventually quitting.  The oils come in varying strengths of nicotine so I will be able to gradually cut down my nicotine intake and eventually stop smoking.  I have tried and failed far too many times with the patch, the gum, hypnosis and cold turkey to know that I have the will power of a whore on a Marine base, on pay day, trying to regain my virtue.  Its good to be honest right?  

Welcome to my newest obsession and possibly my salvation from smoking cigs.  I wonder how many of you know of this or are doing this too?   I am off to "Vape" and have some coffee!  :)  

Freedom of Speech & Twitter

These days social media seems to come with its own set of very mercurial set of morals and rules.  The one sure thing I have discovered about social media is there will always be someone who is angry, unbalanced, ranting, and/or being negative.

Recently, we have seen many celebs charge they are being bullied, threatened, harassed or worse.  Leann Rimes not to long ago reportedly checked herself into a rehab for "emotional distress" caused by Twitter users constantly tweeting very negative remarks to her.  Kate Gosselin, as recently reported by Radar On-Line, has been considering joining a class action suit because of her struggles with Twitter users.

The first thing that comes to mind for me FREEDOM OF SPEECH.  Its the foundation of our Bill of Rights and the cornerstone to our entire way of thinking in this country.  The free flow of ideas cannot and should never be impeded by the restriction of speech.

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

I consider myself to be a staunch supporter of the Constitution.  I support a person's right to free, uninhibited speech even if it offends me.  "The speech you should most ardently protect is the speech you find the most objectionable."  People love to throw around the free speech defense when it defends their words but most  find it hard to defend another individuals remarks they find offensive.  You cannot have it two ways.

I have been watching certain cases with special interest, such as United States of America vs. William Cassidy.  Here is a basic overview of the case:


Mr. Cassidy is charged with violating 18 U.S.C. § 2261A(2)(A).8 The government
alleges that he:

"with the intent to harass and cause substantial emotional distress to a person in another state, used an interactive computer service and a facility of interstate commerce, to engage in a course of conduct that caused substantial emotional distress to that person, to wit: the posting of messages on www.twitter.com and other Internet websites concerning a person whose initials are A.Z."

 Basically, the government alleged that in publishing a message to the public at large constitutes a crime if a public figure, in his/her own subjective way, feels "substantial emotional distress" when he/she views it.  This interpretation of the law not only criminalizes the content of speech in violation of the First Amendment but renders portions of 18 U.S.C. § 2261A(2)(A) unconstitutionally vague.  The two major elements of the crime for which Mr. Cassidy has been indicted and which render § 2261A(2)(A) constitutionally problematic - are the use of an "interactive computer service" and causing another "substantial emotional distress.

This was, I believe never the intent of this law and legislatively speaking, according to the history of this law, the expansion of the anti-stalking section of the statute to explicitly prohibit harassment by means of an "interactive computer service" was understood to "incorporate new surveillance technology like Global Positioning System, GPS."  In other words, Congress intended to prohibit harassment by use of "stalking surveillance" such as location tracking devices and not of people with words via social networking platforms.

The case was eventually found to be "unconstitutional as applied" and the case was thrown out and no further arguments were heard by the court.

This case, in my humble opinion, demonstrates what happens every day on Twitter.   Mr. Cassidy's words, void of any concrete action on his part, are just that, words, an opinion, however offensive or distressing AZ (the injured party) might have felt them to be.  As such, Mr, Cassidy's tweets, comments or blog postings would be protected under the first amendment.

Twitter is by its very nature, a platform of choice.  One can choose to view, interact or even have an account on Twitter.  Parties offended by what is written about them have the choice to look away, block or ignore what they find offensive.  Simply put, a higher burden applies before a person is liable for inflicting emotional distress on a public figure (Hustler, 485 U.S. at 55).

In US v Cassidy, the government hinged its entire case on what was perceived by the victim   If it was left up to interpretation by the offended party, all of the KKK would now be in federal prisons.  I do not know a single person of color who is not offended, threaten and/or intimidated by the ugly things white supremacists say, distribute and I am sure, Tweet.  In not defining harm clearly, the government would leave all people in an untenable position of self censuring.  Hence the free flow of thoughts and ideas would be stopped and as a result would render our first amendment right to free speech violated.

While I may not agree with the tactics of some, I do support their right to say what they will, whether to me, a celebrity or about an organization.  There is a very clear line that must be crossed before someones speech can be taken and viewed as criminal.  A person must do some concrete, physical action to cause another to be distressed.

I think what bothers me the most, as a past victim of bullying is when celebrities miss use the words, bully, stalked, and harassed.  I feel, at times, say when Leann Rimes claims to feel so bullied by negative tweets, it devalues my experiences as a victim of intense bullying as a child.  In reality Leann is choosing to view those tweets.  True victims of bullying do not have a choice.  They are subjected to cruelty constantly and don't have the luxury of being able to simply ignore a negative comment.  Bullying victims are usually in close physical and social settings where their attackers leave no possibility of ignoring or blocking damaging behaviors of others.  In over using, or miss using the words bully, stalker, harassed, we become desensitized to the real problems faced by many who are actually bullying, stalked, harassed.

I prefer to take the higher road most of the time.  I have my thoughts and opinions on Leann and others on Twitter and Facebook.  For the most part I have learned to keep my comments to myself or I share them with friends.  I have mistakenly shared my thoughts publicly and have had to deal with the backlash of those who my comments angered or offended.  In the end, its words on a page.  Social networking is not for everyone.  I have learned to grow a much thicker skin from interacting on social networking platforms.

Our ability to speak freely must be protected.   I am hopeful the courts will catch up with the technology that we all take for granted.  Remember to protect not only the speech you find yourself in agreement with, but rather protect the right of speech of those who you find hurtful or offensive.

Know When To Fold Em

As many of you know, I was on a quest recently to receive a gift from a person who I believed had wronged me.  What started out as a joke of sorts morphed into something much larger.  For me it was an internal discussion on how and why it became acceptable for some people to just say I am sorry and be let off the hook, so to speak.  

I gave out funny little hints on Twitter, and to the person in question.  I wrote a blog about the internal discussion that I was having with myself and asked others to join the conversation.  For me, this journey is at an end.  The final insult to injury came when I did, in fact, receive a gift.

For the record, let me say the dollar amount of the gift was never an issue.  The gift, to be sure, had to be well thought out and from the heart.  A token of sorts to show the level of regret and remorse for the many lies, half truths that had been told to me.  I was hopeful the person would get the point I was trying to make and somehow realize if they were willing to put into action the words I was hearing from them, it would be a starting point of mending this relationship.

Well, I did receive my gift.  It came just yesterday.  It was a bottle of men's cologne that I had commented on previously.  The fact it came damaged and leaking, well that is another part of the story.  What I did notice was that while the bottle was slightly cracked, the envelope was almost completely dry.  The cap was dented and scratched.

It occurred to me that what I had received was, in fact, a used or as one of my Twitter followers called, "previously loved" bottle of cologne.  Previously, while pestering the person for clues on what my gift could be, I was told it came with no box so he had to bubble wrap my gift.  The bottle was not bubble wrapped but just stuck in a plain manila envelope with bubble wrap on the inside.  

As I sat staring at the offending bottle and having my entire apartment become almost a hazardous substance incident, I became very insulted.  Not angry, just very, very insulted.  There is a difference.  After the grievous wrongs done to me, to be sent a used gift, lied to yet again about him having to order it, I was stunned and insulted.

The cologne was most likely an xmas gift.  I remember having the discussion about the fragrance and being amazed Avon (of all places) made the cologne.  I really do like the smell of it.  Every person, everywhere knows that colognes and perfumes come in bottles and sold in boxes.  I don't care where you get the cologne, it comes in a bottle, inside of a box.  The fact there was a considerable amount of the cologne gone and yet the envelope it came in was dry, leads me to know, this was in fact a re-gift.

I don't care that if purchased, the fragrance would have cost only $22.50 and for the month of March, Avon is having a BOGO on men's cologne, I like the smell of it and would have enjoyed it.  It was ruined by the lies leading up to receiving it and then the fact this was a gift to show how sorry this person was for deeply hurting my feelings and betraying my trust.  Not the best time to "re-gift" and already used item.

I consider myself a fairly intelligent person.  I consider myself pretty good at judging people.  I have to say those beliefs in myself have been shaken to the core by this person.  I went to bed last night feeling stupid for ever thinking anything would be different with this person.  I will not allow myself to ponder the whys and what was he thinking.  My only thought was just how very insulted and disrespected I felt.

I awoke this morning and was accosted by this person again, in the form of a text.  He "wanted to wish me a Happy Easter."  My reply was; "I guess thank you, but I don't celebrate Easter as I am Jewish.  All week has been our holiday of Passover, when Moses led the Jews out of bondage."  What offended me the most, again, was the fact that not once during this entire week has he wished me a happy Passover.  He is more than aware I am Jewish, so for him to make an effort to text me such a message just tells me even more just how very low I rank in his world.  Okay I get it.

Even as I sit here writing this blog, I am still stunned, offended and insulted.  I know in his head he will turn this around and I will be the bad guy.  He did the last time and the time before that.  I am thinking I just need to fold this hand.  I am not going to get through to this person.  He is either unwilling or unable to effect change within himself and so its time to move on.

Sometimes, if I quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, has feathers like a duck, then its most likely a duck.  If a person lies, fabricates elaborate tales, provides false information and pictures to back up their lies and when confronted with said lies, gets angry at you, chances are, they are a liar.  I am not G-d, nor a trained psycho therapist nor do I want to be.  I just wanted a chance to get to know this person.  That is no longer the case.  I know all I ever need to know.

What I fear the most for this person is he will end up quite alone in life.  Lies tend to separate the liar from the rest of the world.  There is always a veil which separates them from true intimacy with others.  Without intimacy there are not bonds, no friendships, no relationships.  I fear this is happening to him right now and I have to say saddened. 

For me, I chalk this up to just bad judgement on my part.  The hardest thing I will have to face is not letting this affect how I interact with people.  I will have to keep this experience in the front of my mind to do so.

I still stand by the premise of my whole argument.  Its just too easy for people to say "I am sorry" and skate off without any real consequences.  I think instead of saying I am sorry, how about a gift to show the person wronged the offender means they are sorry.  It is something I plan on incorporating into my life and my relationships.  I don't ever really want to hear I am sorry again, I would prefer, I was wrong, can you forgive me and by the way, here is a small token gift to show you how I really feel.

I wish for peace of mind.  I wish for a stillness in my soul.  I pray I have learned from this and I conclude this whole sordid affair.  

You Fucked Up! Now What?

What started as a funny way for me to express the hurt, anger and overwhelming feelings of stupidity has morphed into this blog.

We all have experienced emotional pain in our lives.  Either by a friend, lover, family member or etc. What really bothered me lately was the fact that the person who trampled all over my heart with lies and deceptions was seemingly able to get off the hook with a simple "I'm sorry."  I consider myself fairly evolved, in touch with my feelings and yet his I'm sorry just wasn't cutting it for me.

I started to think about all the times I have heard "I am sorry" in my life.  Each and every time someone uttered that phrase I felt it was expected of me to instantly forgive that person and move on.  Am I wrong everyone?  I can't be the only person to feel that way.

So I started thinking.  There is usually a pay-off when some hurts another person.  Yes, for all those Pollyanna's out there, there are those times when a person hurts another person purely by accident, but most of the time, the offender does it by simply giving themselves permission to do whatever it is they know will hurt you.  For me it was lying.  Deep, involved lying that lead me to a place of non-trust.

I decided I deserved a gift.  Something to materially show me I should want to forgive.  Really, when you stop and think about it, I got hurt, I "should" forgive, I am "supposed" to be moving on, right?  What the hell is the offender doing?  Oh yeah, that's right, they said sorry.  They are off the hook and I am left doing all this internal work? Nope.  This "Willow" (see other post) was tired of feeling like the schmuck doing all the work.  If I am gonna forgive, move on and work on trusting someone again...damn it I want a gift.

This got me to thinking.  If someone knew they had to cough up a gift every time the lied, cheated, stole, or etc. would they?  Would they still offend and hurt a person if they knew if they lied they would have to come up with, say, a $100 gift to begin the atonement process?  Late for dinner, $20 gift card to Starbucks and etc.?

Why shouldn't a person who has trampled my heart, broken my trust and set me back in therapy another 2 years cough up a gift?  Then I thought to myself, "Lucien, are you materialistic?"  So let me get this right, I got fucked over, hurt, and obviously didn't have my needs met.  They did whatever it is people do and they utter three words and skate off into the future?  MMM....does that sound fair??  It didn't seem that way to me.

So here I ended up.  Wanting a gift, saying I want a gift and I still haven't gotten a gift.  I, my hints, are all being ignored.  As if its some joke.  Well, for me its not a joke.  I have been telling people all week that I am tired of hearing "I am sorry."  Really tired.  Instead of telling me your sorry, hand me a gift.  Put your "I am sorry" into action.  Walk out that door, think of another instead of yourself and your needs and go shopping for the appropriate gift to say "I am sorry" with.

I am really curious to see how others think about this.  I welcome comments on this topic.  I am tired of taking the high road and forgiving.  The friggin high road is under construction because I have used it too much.

I have learned much about forgiveness over the years.  I employ it a lot.  I love to forgive because then it frees me from holding onto hate and other negative emotions but hell, even this well medicated guy has his limits.  I have forgiven the person recently who hurt me.  Have I forgotten what he did?  Hell no.

My friend Garry told me I was trivializing a serious emotional thing.  I really don't think so.  Depending on the offense, the dollar amount spent on the gift should correspond with the severity of the offense.  I would never demand an IPad for being late to dinner, but I would if you were caught canoodling with someone on Facebook.  Its common sense.  It should vary as the offense and the people involved.

I'd like to think of it as a deterrent to bad behavior.  Let me know what you think?

I Am A Willow

As I look back on my life through the ups and the downs, the right turns and the lefts, I see one thing that is, has and will probably always be constant....and that is me.  Recently, while I was off living my life, enjoying an early warm spring day, I was amazed when I turned on my twitter account on my phone how many mention and etc I had received.  I am not kidding when I say my mouth actually fell open, it did.  I was sitting in the park, smoking a cigarette.

As I started reading, I noticed there was a common denominator (s).  I had actually mentioned two people by name and I guess that is just a no no for them.  The fact that I uttered their name with the attached sentiment that I try to stay clear of them is obviously too much for them to bear.  My bad, I know better with these two than to mention them or have their names show up on my TL.  I know to say something in a DM and then delete it after a person reads it.  I have learned the ways of the Twitter.  This time though I didn't.  Maybe I was being passive aggressive, maybe it was my subconscious doing its thang, I don't know.  Maybe I was just tired of not being able to say or do something because of a reaction from these two people?  Who knows?  I did what I did and I own it.  

What I did was discuss why I stay clear of the these two.  One courts drama and is very hurtful and abusive to many and the other....well...for lack of better word is just bizarre.   One person all I ever did to provoke her was to unfollow.  I unfollowed because I wanted to stay out of the drama.  Not choose a side.  The other, well she loves to call me such things as "pathetic mother fucker"  "coward" and feebly attempt to poke at my manhood.

Sitting in the park it just occurred to me I just don't give a shit.  I really don't.  I have to say I don't care if someone doesn't like me.  I am who I am.  I lie (not lay, chickens lay eggs, people lie down) down with myself at night and if I am okay with my actions then I sleep well.  I cannot change, nor do I wish to change, these people's opinions of me.  It is what it is.  

In coming to the conclusion that I don't give a shit, I noticed it was a pattern with me over the years.  I would call it one of my survival skills.  I bend with trouble.  I noticed I tend to not resist trouble but to bend into it and just go along with it.  The answer or resolution eventually comes.  So why resist and waste so much energy?  Silly right?  I was feeling like I was actually doing that in conjunction with this issue.

Willow trees bend in a storm and then after the storm they are one of the first trees to stand back up and provide shade.  That is how I like to think of myself during this little twitter skirmish and in general in life.  Much has happened to me that I thought would break me, but I seem to bend and after the rough patch I am back to myself again.  I like this about myself.

I know this blog will be forwarded to the two people in question and I don't care.  I have to say this.  I am not mad, angry or resentful towards either of you.  You have your way of doing things and I have mine.  I don't agree with yours and you obviously don't agree with mine.  If I have, by the simple utterance of your names along with the sentiment of not wanting to interact with you, has offended, then I humbly apologize.  I still do not wish to have anything to do with either of you, but as, I said, if that offends, then sorry.   See, this really shouldn't matter to you.  Who am I?  Some schmuck in a small town?  Really, what power do I wield over you to make you so angry?  That is what you should be considering, not what a pathetic mother fucker I am or how much of a coward I am.

Life is a funny string of events that when we get introspective can show us how to grow and evolve.  I tend to sew the good memories together to form a sort of mental blanket which I use during the cold, prickly patches life throws our way.  The hard times are linked together by the shear steps in learning hopefully we achieve from our struggles.

I realized in the park I had grown, changed, sprouted a new branch on me, the Willow, called maturity from this whole event.  I should actually say thank you to those who were gracious enough to participate in this whole twitter thing so that I might learn I was maturing and flexible.  I have looked, closed my eyes and tried to feel for the anger but its simply not there.  I wish no one harm.  I wish only good things for everyone. Everyone deserves to be happy, healthy and to feel loved.  Does this sound a little mamby pamby, sure, but that is just a side that most of you on twitter don't get to see.

I would rather laugh than fight.  I would rather dance than cry.  I would rather just move on than continue to involve myself in something that has no positive payoff for all those involved.  Its a cosmic waste of time, energy and creativity.  Hugs need to be given, love needs to be shown, families need to be tended, work to be done.   Let us all just move forward in our own directions and call it lesson.  In Hindi, Namastae and in Yiddish Zei Gezunt.