You Fucked Up! Now What?

What started as a funny way for me to express the hurt, anger and overwhelming feelings of stupidity has morphed into this blog.

We all have experienced emotional pain in our lives.  Either by a friend, lover, family member or etc. What really bothered me lately was the fact that the person who trampled all over my heart with lies and deceptions was seemingly able to get off the hook with a simple "I'm sorry."  I consider myself fairly evolved, in touch with my feelings and yet his I'm sorry just wasn't cutting it for me.

I started to think about all the times I have heard "I am sorry" in my life.  Each and every time someone uttered that phrase I felt it was expected of me to instantly forgive that person and move on.  Am I wrong everyone?  I can't be the only person to feel that way.

So I started thinking.  There is usually a pay-off when some hurts another person.  Yes, for all those Pollyanna's out there, there are those times when a person hurts another person purely by accident, but most of the time, the offender does it by simply giving themselves permission to do whatever it is they know will hurt you.  For me it was lying.  Deep, involved lying that lead me to a place of non-trust.

I decided I deserved a gift.  Something to materially show me I should want to forgive.  Really, when you stop and think about it, I got hurt, I "should" forgive, I am "supposed" to be moving on, right?  What the hell is the offender doing?  Oh yeah, that's right, they said sorry.  They are off the hook and I am left doing all this internal work? Nope.  This "Willow" (see other post) was tired of feeling like the schmuck doing all the work.  If I am gonna forgive, move on and work on trusting someone again...damn it I want a gift.

This got me to thinking.  If someone knew they had to cough up a gift every time the lied, cheated, stole, or etc. would they?  Would they still offend and hurt a person if they knew if they lied they would have to come up with, say, a $100 gift to begin the atonement process?  Late for dinner, $20 gift card to Starbucks and etc.?

Why shouldn't a person who has trampled my heart, broken my trust and set me back in therapy another 2 years cough up a gift?  Then I thought to myself, "Lucien, are you materialistic?"  So let me get this right, I got fucked over, hurt, and obviously didn't have my needs met.  They did whatever it is people do and they utter three words and skate off into the future?  MMM....does that sound fair??  It didn't seem that way to me.

So here I ended up.  Wanting a gift, saying I want a gift and I still haven't gotten a gift.  I, my hints, are all being ignored.  As if its some joke.  Well, for me its not a joke.  I have been telling people all week that I am tired of hearing "I am sorry."  Really tired.  Instead of telling me your sorry, hand me a gift.  Put your "I am sorry" into action.  Walk out that door, think of another instead of yourself and your needs and go shopping for the appropriate gift to say "I am sorry" with.

I am really curious to see how others think about this.  I welcome comments on this topic.  I am tired of taking the high road and forgiving.  The friggin high road is under construction because I have used it too much.

I have learned much about forgiveness over the years.  I employ it a lot.  I love to forgive because then it frees me from holding onto hate and other negative emotions but hell, even this well medicated guy has his limits.  I have forgiven the person recently who hurt me.  Have I forgotten what he did?  Hell no.

My friend Garry told me I was trivializing a serious emotional thing.  I really don't think so.  Depending on the offense, the dollar amount spent on the gift should correspond with the severity of the offense.  I would never demand an IPad for being late to dinner, but I would if you were caught canoodling with someone on Facebook.  Its common sense.  It should vary as the offense and the people involved.

I'd like to think of it as a deterrent to bad behavior.  Let me know what you think?