As I started reading, I noticed there was a common denominator (s). I had actually mentioned two people by name and I guess that is just a no no for them. The fact that I uttered their name with the attached sentiment that I try to stay clear of them is obviously too much for them to bear. My bad, I know better with these two than to mention them or have their names show up on my TL. I know to say something in a DM and then delete it after a person reads it. I have learned the ways of the Twitter. This time though I didn't. Maybe I was being passive aggressive, maybe it was my subconscious doing its thang, I don't know. Maybe I was just tired of not being able to say or do something because of a reaction from these two people? Who knows? I did what I did and I own it.
What I did was discuss why I stay clear of the these two. One courts drama and is very hurtful and abusive to many and the other....well...for lack of better word is just bizarre. One person all I ever did to provoke her was to unfollow. I unfollowed because I wanted to stay out of the drama. Not choose a side. The other, well she loves to call me such things as "pathetic mother fucker" "coward" and feebly attempt to poke at my manhood.
Sitting in the park it just occurred to me I just don't give a shit. I really don't. I have to say I don't care if someone doesn't like me. I am who I am. I lie (not lay, chickens lay eggs, people lie down) down with myself at night and if I am okay with my actions then I sleep well. I cannot change, nor do I wish to change, these people's opinions of me. It is what it is.
In coming to the conclusion that I don't give a shit, I noticed it was a pattern with me over the years. I would call it one of my survival skills. I bend with trouble. I noticed I tend to not resist trouble but to bend into it and just go along with it. The answer or resolution eventually comes. So why resist and waste so much energy? Silly right? I was feeling like I was actually doing that in conjunction with this issue.
Willow trees bend in a storm and then after the storm they are one of the first trees to stand back up and provide shade. That is how I like to think of myself during this little twitter skirmish and in general in life. Much has happened to me that I thought would break me, but I seem to bend and after the rough patch I am back to myself again. I like this about myself.
I know this blog will be forwarded to the two people in question and I don't care. I have to say this. I am not mad, angry or resentful towards either of you. You have your way of doing things and I have mine. I don't agree with yours and you obviously don't agree with mine. If I have, by the simple utterance of your names along with the sentiment of not wanting to interact with you, has offended, then I humbly apologize. I still do not wish to have anything to do with either of you, but as, I said, if that offends, then sorry. See, this really shouldn't matter to you. Who am I? Some schmuck in a small town? Really, what power do I wield over you to make you so angry? That is what you should be considering, not what a pathetic mother fucker I am or how much of a coward I am.
Life is a funny string of events that when we get introspective can show us how to grow and evolve. I tend to sew the good memories together to form a sort of mental blanket which I use during the cold, prickly patches life throws our way. The hard times are linked together by the shear steps in learning hopefully we achieve from our struggles.
I realized in the park I had grown, changed, sprouted a new branch on me, the Willow, called maturity from this whole event. I should actually say thank you to those who were gracious enough to participate in this whole twitter thing so that I might learn I was maturing and flexible. I have looked, closed my eyes and tried to feel for the anger but its simply not there. I wish no one harm. I wish only good things for everyone. Everyone deserves to be happy, healthy and to feel loved. Does this sound a little mamby pamby, sure, but that is just a side that most of you on twitter don't get to see.
I would rather laugh than fight. I would rather dance than cry. I would rather just move on than continue to involve myself in something that has no positive payoff for all those involved. Its a cosmic waste of time, energy and creativity. Hugs need to be given, love needs to be shown, families need to be tended, work to be done. Let us all just move forward in our own directions and call it lesson. In Hindi, Namastae and in Yiddish Zei Gezunt.
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