The Reza-lution? Reza Is A Self-Loathing Gay

While I sat at my laptop patiently awaiting some form of an epiphany to come my way regarding what I witnessed watching Bravo's reunion show of The Real Shahs Of Sunset my mind wandered.  It wandered to why many gay men behave as Reza Farhan does?  Why the constant flitting from one doomed relationship to another, why the obsession with bodies, why the constant pursuit of sex and the feverish calculation of smoldering stares from strangers on the street? Why is nothing enough? There never seems to be enough sex to be had, nor a sufficient number of weights to be lifted, never enough admiration to be received. At the same time, none of it ever really matters. No one ever seems any happier, any less depressed or dissatisfied, for all the scores scored and pounds lost and lavish lives lived.

I’ve noticed that often gay men are the least equipped to empathize.  Some train themselves to not care, they place ourselves in a rigid existence of emotional self-denial. Outwardly, they appear to be the most extravagant of hedonists, denying themselves nothing, neither drugs nor booze nor steroids nor sex. Inwardly, however, they lead lives of self-denial with a monastic fervor some saints would envy.

So what is the right age for this kind of brazen attitude?  20, 25 years old? — but 35 or 40 (Reza's age), I cringe at this type of self-delusion. You really have to wonder what’s wrong with a guy who talks of disposing of lovers like used condoms — or why a gay man would consider this kind of behavior toward another gay man acceptable.  This is why I find Reza Farhan and his actions so appalling.  What  might be normal and even remotely acceptable behavior at 20 is not only no longer acceptable at 40 but is shameful and offensive, to say the very least.

Reza's behavior results from a primal form of self-loathing. It's hard to recognize because he shrouds it in the guise of high standards, the great search for the unattainable. “I want my boyfriend but I want to play around, I am just just being more honest than about it than everyone else.”  Like many gay men, Reza attempts to make himself unattainable through the lavish lifestyle and attitude that he is better than everyone else.  The constant, almost embarrassing way Reza "one ups" those around him by wearing only the latest styles and labels of the day, rejecting any and all lesser physical specimens are clear signs of his self-loathing behaviors.  What Reza is forgetting is youth is not forever, that bodies betray us and that nothing evens the score like age.

With Reza, and his actions on the show this banal embrace of delusion finds its apogee in butch, deviant culture, which excludes everyone who’s not young, pretty and appearing to be wealthy.  We see Reza as the “Daddy,” the hairiest one, the one most eager to sniff the arm pit of some young, feminine twink, who buys the drinks, pays for the weekend get-a-ways.  He is setting himself for a series of doomed relationships that will only end in his humiliation.  Hence, for him, re-enforcing a very negative core belief that being gay is bad, wrong and against G-d and nature.

Ironically, gay men pursue sex with a constancy and fervor unrivaled by any other humans because they want to be rejected: They need the daily fix of humiliation that so often stems from seeking out intimate contact. It’s not the casual sex or the seedy environment that creates the debasement. Its the fact most self-loathing gay men do not apply the same set of moral and social guidelines to gay sexual/relationships and in doing so just want to feel bad about themselves.  This is the daily interactive trafficking in self-loathing, and gay men have turned it inside out, creating an exquisite origami of self disgust. 

What outraged me all the more about Reza and his very cavalier attitude on the show and during the reunion was they way he had not one clue about how is actions would affect the rest of the "us" the gay community.  While I believe in Reza's right to act and do what he wants within the context of his own life, I cannot, I will not condone him getting on a national platform and speaking on behalf of the gay community in general, which he has several times.

Its very easy to live in a gilded life where his money can buy him fake smiles and acceptance but the very real fact of the matter is the rest of us, the majority of us, do not have that luxury.  We live in the real world.  Next door to people who still, even in 2013 find homosexuality wrong and in many cases punishable by death.

I have said it many times and will continue to do so.  It is the responsibility of every openly gay man, lesbian and transgender to educate as we go through life.  What Reza, Bravo and even Andy Cohen have done is to perpetrate very well known negative stigma's that not only hurt the gay community, but confirm for homophobes that WE ARE ALL SOME BUNCH OF DEVIANTS and as such do not deserve equality nor fair treatment.

I will not continue to watch The Shahs of Sunset.  I found every single cast member repulsive, troubled and in the end sad.  I find myself saddened by Bravo, Reza, Andy Cohen who have all failed to realize what a golden opportunity they have thrown away.  The opportunity to showcase open, successful gay men and women in a positive way.  To give the gay youth role models.  To show them they can have happy, loving successful lives.  Instead they have been shown the underbelly of gay culture.  

I would welcome the chance to sit down with Andy Cohen, Reza Farhan and even Bravo executives to find a way to put out good programming which would be successful for Bravo, provide positive gay images and educate the public.  I know this will never happen, but I can dream can't I?