I thought long and hard about what woman has had the biggest impact in my life. As a man, I found it a little odd that several didn't automatically come to mind. I thought of several men who have greatly influenced, mentored or shaped me as a man....but a woman?. It took me a while to figure out my own internal definition of impact.
I had define impact or change. I have been blessed enough to have had several women come forward in my life to replace the defective woman, my mother, as central maternal figures. Teachers, co-workers, family friends and those I have met on my many travels across the globe came to mind. In sitting down to write this blog, one woman kept creeping back into my mind. I kept thinking was this the woman whom I felt had the most important or unique impact on me as a man, a person and as a citizen? I decided to sleep on it and make my decision in the morning.
Praleene Harrell is the woman who, for me, offered me some of the greatest gifts, love and insights I have ever received. Praleen, or Miss Pippy as she preferred to be called knocked on my door one day asking if I had seen her great granddaughter. I remember the day well. I was living in Virginia Beach. The temperature that day had to have been well into the 90's with high humidity. Miss Pippy was drenched in sweat, elderly and I was concerned. I offered to get her something to drink while I told her that her granddaughter was next door playing with my other neighbors children. She politely refused, thanked me and left. Not a very auspicious meeting to say the least.
For some reason, Miss Pippy's great granddaughter just adored me. Whenever I would sit out on my front porch she would always find a reason to come over and sit with me. If I was working on my flower beds or filling up my bird feeders, I always had those cute little hands asking if she could help. She would always pepper me with questions like, "why do you feed the birds?", "what is the name of the purple flower?" and to be honest on some days it drove me crazy and at other times I welcomed the company of Little Dee.
Miss Pippy and I got to know each other well because she didn't like her great grandchild over at "that white boy's house!" Finally, one day I had enough. She would roam the neighborhood announcing I was, as she put it, "one of them homesomesesuals." I decided to confront her and tell her to knock it off. I remember walking up to her at the mailboxes. I was fired up and loaded with bear.
I said my piece to her. She silently and with that wryly smile of hers just looked at me and said nothing. She then simply turned and walked away. I was stunned. I told her that I thought she was being ignorant, rude and above all cruel to her great grandchild and myself. Just a few hours later I saw Little Dee on her stoop crying. I asked her what was wrong? She told me her Memaw has whooped her behind for going over to my house. I told her to listen to her Memaw and that we could be friends in our minds. Whenever we would see each other we could say hi and talk to each just in our own minds. I told her it was important for her to listen to what her Memaw told her. She seemed comforted by this. Its amazing what a 5 year old will believe, thankfully.
Not long after this incident we had a hurricane, Isabel which hit Virginia Beach. Miss Pippy's townhouse was greatly damaged. She went to stay with her granddaughter while repairs were being made on the house. Her granddaughter asked me to keep an eye on things as I lived next door. While Miss Pippy was going our neighborhood association met and decided to buy and replace the tree that was torn down by the storm which stood on Miss Pippy's postage sized front lawn. It was a miniature flowing Japanese Dogwood tree. I was in charge of getting one and getting it into the ground with the help of another neighbor, Miss Addie.
As Miss Addie and I planted the tree we talked. I got a little background on why Miss Pippy acted the way she did toward me. We discussed other things like what were her favorite flowers, how she wanted to paint her shutters but couldn't and how she like my brass flower box on my porch. I decided right then and there to paint her shutters, plant her favorite flowers, and get her a brass flower box. I called her granddaughter and told her what I was doing and she was thrilled.
Miss Pippy came home a week later and saw her home repaired. She saw the little tree which had replaced the old one. Her grass was cut, edged and flowers were planted along the front of her townhouse. The biggest brassiest flower box was filled with her favorite flower, Forget-Me-Nots. She stood on her sidewalk crying and I was watching from my kitchen window. I was so happy she was happy.
It was understood that no one would ever tell Miss Pippy who or why what was done was done. She was a proud woman and would have "thrown a fit" if she knew who was responsible. Somehow though, she did find out. She came over one evening with a check for $100.00. I would not accept it. Miss Addie told me she has the same thing happen. She, too, refused the money. Miss Pippy stormed off.
A few days later I was walking up the street and Miss Pippy stopped me and asked me if I had eaten dinner. I told her no, I was on my way home to fix and have dinner. She asked me over for dinner. I was a little surprised and to be frank nervous, but I decided to say yes. I told her I wanted to drop off my bags at my house and would be over in a few. She told me to "hurry it up, she don't serve no cold food!"
I had the best dinner of my life. We had fried chicken, black beans, and corn pone. The ice tea almost put me in a diabetic coma but I drank it up as if it were mother's milk. That was the beginning of our friendship. From that point of breaking bread and her feeling she had repaid me for what we had done, she considered us equals.
I learned that Miss Pippy was 97 years old. The fact she didn't look a day over 65 proves "black don't crack." Her energy level always made me feel like a slouch. That woman didn't stop from the time her eyes opened until they closed. "There is always something to be done and the Lord loves it when peoples work," she would say. I learned that Miss Pippy was the youngest of 18 children. Her great grandmother was a slave in Georgia for the Harrell family. In fact, she had her great grandmother's and great grandfather's freedom papers. She has married and buried 3 husbands. Had 9 children of her own. Miss Pippy's family were share croppers and all were required to stop working after 6th grade to work the land. I learned she had had a rough life and yet seemed to accept hardship, ignorance and heartache with a grace I had never seen before or since.
What did Miss Pippy teach me? She taught me to love even if I didn't want to. She showed that adversity only makes us stronger. She uttered the phrase which is one of my personal mantra's "every time you do me wrong I will do more good." She taught me so much I cannot even begin to gather my thoughts enough to try and put them down in this blog.
I taught Miss Pippy to read and write. I educated her about homosexuals. One of her sons, Gerald was gay and she had lost touch with him. I would like to think they started talking again because of me. I taught her a little about Judaism. We spent many hours sipping sweet tea and talking. She taught me how to put a "good scald on chicken" when frying it. She explained what it was like to be black, a woman and living in the south. Most of all she taught me what is was to be a man. To be honorable even though a person my not deserve it.
I miss Miss Pippy now. As she would say, "she has gone on to her maker." She died as gracefully as she lived. Quietly, at home, surrounded by all of us that loved and admired her. It was where she was the happiest. I consider Miss Pippy the mother I never had and all of her children are my brothers and sisters. They consider me part of their family. All of us that were brought together by this remarkable woman still remain in touch. Birthdays, marriages, graduations from high school and even colleges now.
I have 3 things that belonged to Miss Pippy. I have her cast iron skillet (for all that fried chicken), I have a pair of her little white gloves she wore to church every Sunday and a quilt her mother made. I am sitting with the quilt right now and feel Miss Pippy around me. The quilt is on loan from her family. It tells the story of the marriages, births, and deaths of her family. It will be returned to the Harrell family upon my death, as should be. I am looking out my window, its snowing and blustery. I feel so filled with love for this simple, black, short, beautiful woman who have me my humanity back at a time in my life when I felt I had so little. Her lessons were always simple but profound. I nicknamed her the chestnut Confucius. She always had a one liner which fit the situation and would up lift you.
I remember you Miss Praleene "Pippy" Harrell, of Gwinnett County, GA. I miss you and promise you that all you taught me, made me see and showed me continues in me. I share you and your lessons every chance I get. I wanted to honor you, being this is the week we celebrate great women, for you were, are and always be my hero, my friend and the truest essence of a what a women is.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
The Reza-lution? Reza Is A Self-Loathing Gay
While I sat at my laptop patiently awaiting some form of an epiphany to come my way regarding what I witnessed watching Bravo's reunion show of The Real Shahs Of Sunset my mind wandered. It wandered to why many gay men behave as Reza Farhan does? Why the constant flitting from one doomed relationship to another, why the obsession with bodies, why the constant pursuit of sex and the feverish calculation of smoldering stares from strangers on the street? Why is nothing enough? There never seems to be enough sex to be had, nor a sufficient number of weights to be lifted, never enough admiration to be received. At the same time, none of it ever really matters. No one ever seems any happier, any less depressed or dissatisfied, for all the scores scored and pounds lost and lavish lives lived.
I’ve noticed that often gay men are the least equipped to empathize. Some train themselves to not care, they place ourselves in a rigid existence of emotional self-denial. Outwardly, they appear to be the most extravagant of hedonists, denying themselves nothing, neither drugs nor booze nor steroids nor sex. Inwardly, however, they lead lives of self-denial with a monastic fervor some saints would envy.
So what is the right age for this kind of brazen attitude? 20, 25 years old? — but 35 or 40 (Reza's age), I cringe at this type of self-delusion. You really have to wonder what’s wrong with a guy who talks of disposing of lovers like used condoms — or why a gay man would consider this kind of behavior toward another gay man acceptable. This is why I find Reza Farhan and his actions so appalling. What might be normal and even remotely acceptable behavior at 20 is not only no longer acceptable at 40 but is shameful and offensive, to say the very least.
Reza's behavior results from a primal form of self-loathing. It's hard to recognize because he shrouds it in the guise of high standards, the great search for the unattainable. “I want my boyfriend but I want to play around, I am just just being more honest than about it than everyone else.” Like many gay men, Reza attempts to make himself unattainable through the lavish lifestyle and attitude that he is better than everyone else. The constant, almost embarrassing way Reza "one ups" those around him by wearing only the latest styles and labels of the day, rejecting any and all lesser physical specimens are clear signs of his self-loathing behaviors. What Reza is forgetting is youth is not forever, that bodies betray us and that nothing evens the score like age.
With Reza, and his actions on the show this banal embrace of delusion finds its apogee in butch, deviant culture, which excludes everyone who’s not young, pretty and appearing to be wealthy. We see Reza as the “Daddy,” the hairiest one, the one most eager to sniff the arm pit of some young, feminine twink, who buys the drinks, pays for the weekend get-a-ways. He is setting himself for a series of doomed relationships that will only end in his humiliation. Hence, for him, re-enforcing a very negative core belief that being gay is bad, wrong and against G-d and nature.
I’ve noticed that often gay men are the least equipped to empathize. Some train themselves to not care, they place ourselves in a rigid existence of emotional self-denial. Outwardly, they appear to be the most extravagant of hedonists, denying themselves nothing, neither drugs nor booze nor steroids nor sex. Inwardly, however, they lead lives of self-denial with a monastic fervor some saints would envy.
So what is the right age for this kind of brazen attitude? 20, 25 years old? — but 35 or 40 (Reza's age), I cringe at this type of self-delusion. You really have to wonder what’s wrong with a guy who talks of disposing of lovers like used condoms — or why a gay man would consider this kind of behavior toward another gay man acceptable. This is why I find Reza Farhan and his actions so appalling. What might be normal and even remotely acceptable behavior at 20 is not only no longer acceptable at 40 but is shameful and offensive, to say the very least.
Reza's behavior results from a primal form of self-loathing. It's hard to recognize because he shrouds it in the guise of high standards, the great search for the unattainable. “I want my boyfriend but I want to play around, I am just just being more honest than about it than everyone else.” Like many gay men, Reza attempts to make himself unattainable through the lavish lifestyle and attitude that he is better than everyone else. The constant, almost embarrassing way Reza "one ups" those around him by wearing only the latest styles and labels of the day, rejecting any and all lesser physical specimens are clear signs of his self-loathing behaviors. What Reza is forgetting is youth is not forever, that bodies betray us and that nothing evens the score like age.
With Reza, and his actions on the show this banal embrace of delusion finds its apogee in butch, deviant culture, which excludes everyone who’s not young, pretty and appearing to be wealthy. We see Reza as the “Daddy,” the hairiest one, the one most eager to sniff the arm pit of some young, feminine twink, who buys the drinks, pays for the weekend get-a-ways. He is setting himself for a series of doomed relationships that will only end in his humiliation. Hence, for him, re-enforcing a very negative core belief that being gay is bad, wrong and against G-d and nature.
Ironically, gay men pursue sex with a constancy and fervor unrivaled by any other humans because they want to be rejected: They need the daily fix of humiliation that so often stems from seeking out intimate contact. It’s not the casual sex or the seedy environment that creates the debasement. Its the fact most self-loathing gay men do not apply the same set of moral and social guidelines to gay sexual/relationships and in doing so just want to feel bad about themselves. This is the daily interactive trafficking in self-loathing, and gay men have turned it inside out, creating an exquisite origami of self disgust.
What outraged me all the more about Reza and his very cavalier attitude on the show and during the reunion was they way he had not one clue about how is actions would affect the rest of the "us" the gay community. While I believe in Reza's right to act and do what he wants within the context of his own life, I cannot, I will not condone him getting on a national platform and speaking on behalf of the gay community in general, which he has several times.
Its very easy to live in a gilded life where his money can buy him fake smiles and acceptance but the very real fact of the matter is the rest of us, the majority of us, do not have that luxury. We live in the real world. Next door to people who still, even in 2013 find homosexuality wrong and in many cases punishable by death.
I have said it many times and will continue to do so. It is the responsibility of every openly gay man, lesbian and transgender to educate as we go through life. What Reza, Bravo and even Andy Cohen have done is to perpetrate very well known negative stigma's that not only hurt the gay community, but confirm for homophobes that WE ARE ALL SOME BUNCH OF DEVIANTS and as such do not deserve equality nor fair treatment.
I will not continue to watch The Shahs of Sunset. I found every single cast member repulsive, troubled and in the end sad. I find myself saddened by Bravo, Reza, Andy Cohen who have all failed to realize what a golden opportunity they have thrown away. The opportunity to showcase open, successful gay men and women in a positive way. To give the gay youth role models. To show them they can have happy, loving successful lives. Instead they have been shown the underbelly of gay culture.
I would welcome the chance to sit down with Andy Cohen, Reza Farhan and even Bravo executives to find a way to put out good programming which would be successful for Bravo, provide positive gay images and educate the public. I know this will never happen, but I can dream can't I?
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Drinking And Tweeting: A Review of Brandi Glanville's Book
I was so excited when opening my tablet/ereader and seeing Brandi Glanville's book, Drinking and Tweeting was available for purchase. I like Brandi. I was over joyed to see her added to the cast of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I find Brandi to be real, a breath of fresh air and absolutely beautiful to look at. Her quirky, self deprecating humor and low tolerance for bullshit make watching her on the show fun.
As I sat down to read Brandi's book one thing struck me right away. This is a woman who has been wronged but I was not hearing the all too familiar "oh please be nice to me, I am a victim." What I did hear was the pain of a woman who had a husband, Eddie Cibrian who is a serial cheater and an Archduke of Douche bags.
Its an easy read. Almost as if you are sitting down and sharing a glass of wine with Brandi and you are talking with her. I think her co-author really knew how to focus Brandi, keep the book moving along but kept to the spirit of Brandi. The fact she used hash tags throughout the book to punctuate a lesson she learned tickled me.
With that being said, I was a little disappointed by the book. It came across as one long press conference. It was about Eddie, Leann and all the trials and tribulations Brandi has had to endure. I understand it was her version of the ugly mess that Eddie and Leann put her through but I was hoping there would be some insight to who Brandi really was, as a person, as woman. This book did not tell me any of that. What this book did deliver was the break up of a very dysfunctional marriage and how she came through it. Almost every page slammed either Leann or Eddie. Okay I get it, this is Brandi's "E True Hollywood Story".
What I didn't get was anything new about Brandi. What are her hobbies? Where did she go to school? Some great memories about her modeling in Europe? What was her childhood like? The book was promoted as a tell all and in some ways it was salacious but really? Most of what was in the book was already fairly common knowledge.
I really wanted to get to know Brandi, sans the Eddie and Leann angles. I like Brandi because we can all relate to her. She makes a lot of the same mistakes, blunders and remarks we all have in similar situations. I wanted to get a glimpse into the core of who Brandi is. What her thoughts are or even some funny situations she might have had interacting with other celebs. Now that would have made some good reading.
I purchased the book for $9.99 through Amazon.com and have to say I don't think it was worth much more than that price. In the end, I found most of my thoughts and opinions on Brandi were confirmed. This is a beautiful, smart, endearing, brutally honest woman who embraces her mistakes, enjoys life and has been through a lot. I was glad to see her surviving and thriving rather than portraying herself as yet another victim of a man. Her views on what went wrong in her marriage and how she could have handled things differently show me she has chosen to concentrate on herself rather than wage a war on her ex. I find her devotion and honesty with her children to be inspiring and leaves me with hope.
In the end I find this book to be Brandi closing the door once and for all, on the whole Eddie and Leann saga and opening another door for herself. I think Eddie and Leann come from a place of guilt and are hell bent on justifying what they did to Brandi, and her sons. I have to giggle because Eddie and Leann are somehow, to me, acting out in real life some sort of twisted country song that we most likely will see Leann sing as some point.
I don't ever see the three of them interacting in a healthy way. Eddie doesn't seem to be the type of person who is able to admit he was wrong, apologize and behave like an adult. Eddie is a B-List actor who is very pretty, has questionable acting skills and an over-inflated sense of his own worth. Leann is a child star who has been raised in, as Brandi said, "a yes environment" where anything and everything she does or say is okay because she is surrounded by people whose paychecks depend on pleasing her. Not pretty.
What I have found and have blogged about previously is how Eddie has never really been confronted by the public for his behaviors. People really seem to concentrate on Leann as the home wrecker, which is true, but she couldn't have wrecked a home if Eddie had his pecker in pants where it should have been. I guess its just another fine example how even woman are misogynists. Women get very angry at Leann but somehow Eddie seems to skate through this whole mess without every getting some of the backlash that Leann has had to deal with.
My hope is that we will see Brandi keep growing and evolving into the lovely woman I believe she is. For me she is a flower who is budding and getting ready to open up and show us the magnificence of all that she is. Would I recommend for people to buy this book? Probably. Its a light read and as for any literary value, there is none. From a strictly entertaining, pop culture perspective its fine. Hopefully Brandi can now move on and close this chapter in her life and be done with the whole ugly mess.
By the way, I wrote this blog entirely sober, so I think Brandi would be proud of me. Smooches Brandi and see you on the show.....oxo your devoted fan Lucien.
As I sat down to read Brandi's book one thing struck me right away. This is a woman who has been wronged but I was not hearing the all too familiar "oh please be nice to me, I am a victim." What I did hear was the pain of a woman who had a husband, Eddie Cibrian who is a serial cheater and an Archduke of Douche bags.
Its an easy read. Almost as if you are sitting down and sharing a glass of wine with Brandi and you are talking with her. I think her co-author really knew how to focus Brandi, keep the book moving along but kept to the spirit of Brandi. The fact she used hash tags throughout the book to punctuate a lesson she learned tickled me.
With that being said, I was a little disappointed by the book. It came across as one long press conference. It was about Eddie, Leann and all the trials and tribulations Brandi has had to endure. I understand it was her version of the ugly mess that Eddie and Leann put her through but I was hoping there would be some insight to who Brandi really was, as a person, as woman. This book did not tell me any of that. What this book did deliver was the break up of a very dysfunctional marriage and how she came through it. Almost every page slammed either Leann or Eddie. Okay I get it, this is Brandi's "E True Hollywood Story".
What I didn't get was anything new about Brandi. What are her hobbies? Where did she go to school? Some great memories about her modeling in Europe? What was her childhood like? The book was promoted as a tell all and in some ways it was salacious but really? Most of what was in the book was already fairly common knowledge.
I really wanted to get to know Brandi, sans the Eddie and Leann angles. I like Brandi because we can all relate to her. She makes a lot of the same mistakes, blunders and remarks we all have in similar situations. I wanted to get a glimpse into the core of who Brandi is. What her thoughts are or even some funny situations she might have had interacting with other celebs. Now that would have made some good reading.
I purchased the book for $9.99 through Amazon.com and have to say I don't think it was worth much more than that price. In the end, I found most of my thoughts and opinions on Brandi were confirmed. This is a beautiful, smart, endearing, brutally honest woman who embraces her mistakes, enjoys life and has been through a lot. I was glad to see her surviving and thriving rather than portraying herself as yet another victim of a man. Her views on what went wrong in her marriage and how she could have handled things differently show me she has chosen to concentrate on herself rather than wage a war on her ex. I find her devotion and honesty with her children to be inspiring and leaves me with hope.
In the end I find this book to be Brandi closing the door once and for all, on the whole Eddie and Leann saga and opening another door for herself. I think Eddie and Leann come from a place of guilt and are hell bent on justifying what they did to Brandi, and her sons. I have to giggle because Eddie and Leann are somehow, to me, acting out in real life some sort of twisted country song that we most likely will see Leann sing as some point.
I don't ever see the three of them interacting in a healthy way. Eddie doesn't seem to be the type of person who is able to admit he was wrong, apologize and behave like an adult. Eddie is a B-List actor who is very pretty, has questionable acting skills and an over-inflated sense of his own worth. Leann is a child star who has been raised in, as Brandi said, "a yes environment" where anything and everything she does or say is okay because she is surrounded by people whose paychecks depend on pleasing her. Not pretty.
What I have found and have blogged about previously is how Eddie has never really been confronted by the public for his behaviors. People really seem to concentrate on Leann as the home wrecker, which is true, but she couldn't have wrecked a home if Eddie had his pecker in pants where it should have been. I guess its just another fine example how even woman are misogynists. Women get very angry at Leann but somehow Eddie seems to skate through this whole mess without every getting some of the backlash that Leann has had to deal with.
My hope is that we will see Brandi keep growing and evolving into the lovely woman I believe she is. For me she is a flower who is budding and getting ready to open up and show us the magnificence of all that she is. Would I recommend for people to buy this book? Probably. Its a light read and as for any literary value, there is none. From a strictly entertaining, pop culture perspective its fine. Hopefully Brandi can now move on and close this chapter in her life and be done with the whole ugly mess.
By the way, I wrote this blog entirely sober, so I think Brandi would be proud of me. Smooches Brandi and see you on the show.....oxo your devoted fan Lucien.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Walk On Through To The Other Side
There are times in our lives when we are faced with people or situations where we are often left not understanding, angry or even hurting. Many of you have often heard me utter the phrase, "its all about perspective." Today as I sat waiting for the bus I thought I would share how I sometimes am able to change a very hurtful or trying situation into one that will ultimately benefit me as I go about my journey or this little old thing called life.
Changing perspective is never easy. If it was then most of the conflicts or misunderstanding in the world would never take place. Its a choice. I choose to see the lesson I have been given the opportunity to learn. This is not always the easiest of things to do, especially when I feel someone has either wronged or hurt me in some way. I can either choose to learn or find ways to either get even or ahead of someone or something. For me, to learn is to never have to repeat a particularly troublesome event.
Life presents us with what I like to call Thresholds. Thresholds are an important way for me to transition from say anger to understanding. Thresholds are "defining moments when intention crystallizes into choice." Each threshold or doorway figuratively or literally, transports us to the next situation in which to be present, authentic and/or to learn from.
Each of us every single day pass through these thresholds. These can be experienced as movement in a physical way, as through a door or through a doorway of time (for example, deadlines, schedules, etc.) or through emotional doorways (moving into and out of feelings) or even energy doorways (levels of hunger, tiredness and vitality). What ever form a threshold or doorway takes, it can be a chance to set a personal intention for each moment of that transition.
Buddha spoke of this when he said:
"It is unwise to do things that bring regret
And require repentance,
To cause suffering for oneself
And a weeping and tearful face.
It is wise to do things which do not require repentance
But bring joy and fulfillment,
Happiness and delight."
I find it useful to set an intention when transitioning through a threshold. It only takes a few seconds and allows me to focus on the purpose of each move. Basically, in a broader sense, it gives direction to my day. I can often be found taking a moment of silence, a pause with a deep breath and then mentally saying the following words.
In the next minute,
may I be open to each moment,
May my actions be kind,
May they be beneficial,
May they be of service, either to myself or others.
Seeing life and all of its challenges as a series of thresholds helps me to define how I choose to see, react or learn from life. The intentions I use to walk through these thresholds help me to be centered, focused, present and to relieve anxiety that comes with transitions.
When a tough situation comes my way I see it as a threshold. I know I will experience the situation and then transition through a threshold into a new situation or better yet, a deeper understanding of myself. Life is about choices. We are constantly moving through thresholds, learning, growing and evolving. For me, conflict, strife and hurt are ways to understand more about me. I could concentrate on why someone did something to hurt me or something happened to affect me but I would rather forget the reason why and move on to understanding. Hopefully I have taken or learned what I need to so I do not have to repeat this worrisome situation.
How many of you have ever said, "why does this keep happening to me over and over again?" The answer is simple, for me at least, you have not learned the lesson that was given to you. So you are doomed to repeat painful, stressful situations until you learn what you need to equip you to move on.
I choose to grow. Repeating painful situations for me it excruciating and frustrating for me. To have to feel the same stress, anger and pain over and over again is, for me, a cosmic waste of valuable time and energy. Time and energy I could be using to enjoy life. Even when I feel someone has done me very wrong. I will take a moment to see if there was any other way I might have conducted myself so that when I am presented with a similar situation I can have a better outcome.
Its never easy to see painful or stressful life situations as a series of choices or thresholds. It takes a personal commitment to change. It also takes a lot of practice. Instead of externalizing or finger pointing I choose to look inward and evaluate myself and my actions. I don't always succeed but the effort and commitment are there and I feel I have grown as a person greatly from this practice.
I realized after growing up with a very abusive mother that I wasted many years and much energy and trying to figure out the whys of her actions. I choose now to look back and let her deal with the whys of her actions. I needed to concentrate of me, my reactions, my feelings and ultimately, my healing from the abuse she did to me. This sped up my healing process immensely. Its not about the other person or outside factors, but rather about what we take from situations that is important.
I could have chosen to be biter, resentful and even damaged by what my mother did. Instead I chose to heal. To grow, to learn and to move forward in my own life. I CHOSE my direction. My journey has not affected my mother. She is still the same damaged woman I know and even love, but I am not that hurt little child anymore. I am a grown man who has a better understanding of himself because of what I experienced as a child.
We have no control over what happens or comes our way in life..but....we do have control over how we react to it. If you take nothing from this blog other than life is a series of choices then I will be happy. Each moment is a door, each feeling is an opportunity to grow. To grow and become the best person you can be. Each day is a series of choices and thresholds...how you walk through or decide is ultimately up to you and only about you.
Changing perspective is never easy. If it was then most of the conflicts or misunderstanding in the world would never take place. Its a choice. I choose to see the lesson I have been given the opportunity to learn. This is not always the easiest of things to do, especially when I feel someone has either wronged or hurt me in some way. I can either choose to learn or find ways to either get even or ahead of someone or something. For me, to learn is to never have to repeat a particularly troublesome event.
Life presents us with what I like to call Thresholds. Thresholds are an important way for me to transition from say anger to understanding. Thresholds are "defining moments when intention crystallizes into choice." Each threshold or doorway figuratively or literally, transports us to the next situation in which to be present, authentic and/or to learn from.
Each of us every single day pass through these thresholds. These can be experienced as movement in a physical way, as through a door or through a doorway of time (for example, deadlines, schedules, etc.) or through emotional doorways (moving into and out of feelings) or even energy doorways (levels of hunger, tiredness and vitality). What ever form a threshold or doorway takes, it can be a chance to set a personal intention for each moment of that transition.
Buddha spoke of this when he said:
"It is unwise to do things that bring regret
And require repentance,
To cause suffering for oneself
And a weeping and tearful face.
It is wise to do things which do not require repentance
But bring joy and fulfillment,
Happiness and delight."
I find it useful to set an intention when transitioning through a threshold. It only takes a few seconds and allows me to focus on the purpose of each move. Basically, in a broader sense, it gives direction to my day. I can often be found taking a moment of silence, a pause with a deep breath and then mentally saying the following words.
In the next minute,
may I be open to each moment,
May my actions be kind,
May they be beneficial,
May they be of service, either to myself or others.
Seeing life and all of its challenges as a series of thresholds helps me to define how I choose to see, react or learn from life. The intentions I use to walk through these thresholds help me to be centered, focused, present and to relieve anxiety that comes with transitions.
When a tough situation comes my way I see it as a threshold. I know I will experience the situation and then transition through a threshold into a new situation or better yet, a deeper understanding of myself. Life is about choices. We are constantly moving through thresholds, learning, growing and evolving. For me, conflict, strife and hurt are ways to understand more about me. I could concentrate on why someone did something to hurt me or something happened to affect me but I would rather forget the reason why and move on to understanding. Hopefully I have taken or learned what I need to so I do not have to repeat this worrisome situation.
How many of you have ever said, "why does this keep happening to me over and over again?" The answer is simple, for me at least, you have not learned the lesson that was given to you. So you are doomed to repeat painful, stressful situations until you learn what you need to equip you to move on.
I choose to grow. Repeating painful situations for me it excruciating and frustrating for me. To have to feel the same stress, anger and pain over and over again is, for me, a cosmic waste of valuable time and energy. Time and energy I could be using to enjoy life. Even when I feel someone has done me very wrong. I will take a moment to see if there was any other way I might have conducted myself so that when I am presented with a similar situation I can have a better outcome.
Its never easy to see painful or stressful life situations as a series of choices or thresholds. It takes a personal commitment to change. It also takes a lot of practice. Instead of externalizing or finger pointing I choose to look inward and evaluate myself and my actions. I don't always succeed but the effort and commitment are there and I feel I have grown as a person greatly from this practice.
I realized after growing up with a very abusive mother that I wasted many years and much energy and trying to figure out the whys of her actions. I choose now to look back and let her deal with the whys of her actions. I needed to concentrate of me, my reactions, my feelings and ultimately, my healing from the abuse she did to me. This sped up my healing process immensely. Its not about the other person or outside factors, but rather about what we take from situations that is important.
I could have chosen to be biter, resentful and even damaged by what my mother did. Instead I chose to heal. To grow, to learn and to move forward in my own life. I CHOSE my direction. My journey has not affected my mother. She is still the same damaged woman I know and even love, but I am not that hurt little child anymore. I am a grown man who has a better understanding of himself because of what I experienced as a child.
We have no control over what happens or comes our way in life..but....we do have control over how we react to it. If you take nothing from this blog other than life is a series of choices then I will be happy. Each moment is a door, each feeling is an opportunity to grow. To grow and become the best person you can be. Each day is a series of choices and thresholds...how you walk through or decide is ultimately up to you and only about you.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Who Spilled The Reality Tea
I am always amazed at how reality shows has woven themselves into our lives. Its a curious set of circumstances which have combined and collided to bring us to where the social impact of reality TV programming can be felt in every strata of our lives.
In the beginning, there was of course PBS's "An American Family." The was done in the 1970's. It followed an average, upper middle-class family, the Louds. Lance, the eldest son came out as openly gay on the show. He is credited with becoming the first gay character on television. As the show progressed, we saw the break-up and finally the divorce of the Louds. There has been subsequent follow up shows, which chronicled Lance Loud's fight with addiction, HIV and finally death. This was America's first taste at what has become a wildly popular format for television programming.
We can safely assume An American Family was the catalyst for the ground breaking MTV show, "The Real World." I have watched every single episode of The Real World for 27 years. I guess you could say I was a reality junky long before it was popular to be so. The all to familiar tag line, "This is a true story of seven strangers picked to live in house, work together and have their lives taped...to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real", has become one of the most widely known tag lines of all times.
The Real World had been hailed as tackling such difficult and sensitive issues as racial, sexuality, AIDS and substance abuse issues as was being encountered by MTV's core audience, 20 somethings. It has since been very discredited as being just a platform for immature and irresponsible behavior. I tend to think the shows beginning was good. It really did show how seven complete strangers coming from seven different social, economic and ethnic backgrounds lived when thrown into a fish bowl and taped. At some point it became to formulaic and now we see seven barely legal young adults who drink far to much and just cavort in front of a camera for the simple reason of being the most outrageous on the cast.
While most believe that Andy Cohen is the founder or creator of The Real Housewives franchises, he is not. Scott Dunlop was the original creator of the first housewives show, The Real Housewives of Orange County. I don't think its a stretch to see how An American Family, The Real World didn't factor into Scott Dunlop creating a show chronicling the lavish lifestyles of beautiful women living behind the gates in a very upscale town in California. It certainly fits into the reality/documentary format/genre.
What this show has done, as well as, the other housewife franchises, is to ignite the publics preoccupation with what the rich and beautiful are doing. What started out as entertaining and light has evolved into a very dark and dangerous format for programming.
We have seen the "reality format" from start to finish. Each time it is used it pervades our social consciousness, and becomes larger than its last incarnation. We can see from the plethora of reality shows such as Honey Boo Boo, Duck Dynasty and others that television producers now recognize the public's taste for all things reality.
Reality celebs that have been created by this genre are beginning to show the signs of wear and tear. Such notables as Kim Richards, who alcoholism and alleged drug abuse spiraled out of control during the filming of her show, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Taylor Armstrong is yet another fine example of how reality show programming is destroying those who are involved. The death of Russell Armstrong is a directly connected to his wife being on the show and bashing him and his financial problems. I really don't think Russell would have killed himself for any other reason than his entire downfall was being captured by the film crew of Bravo TV.
Not long ago we saw the addition of The Real Housewives of DC to Bravo's franchises. We watched in object horror as Michaele Salahi and her husband Tareq crashed a White House dinner under the careful gaze of the camera's from Bravo. I believe this is a direct result for the show not being renewed for another season. I am sure the other cast mates would also say their lives have been negatively impacted by what transpired on the show.
In a way, the reality/documentary format/genre is still the same as when it originated. It begins as ground breaking. It serves to educate and entertain the public. At some point though, it begins its inevitable decent into darkness. The players involved ultimately become nothing more than characters of themselves. There is "planned or scripted" drama. Events are re-enacted for the sole purpose of getting it correctly for the cameras. People get hurt, lives are ruptured and the public is faced with watching a train wreck.
I remember how adorable Jon and Kate Plus 8 was when it first started airing. Lets not forget how badly that show and family ended. Everything has a beginning, a middle and an end. I think we are seeing the reality genre begin to fade. As the years march on, the people on these shows have morphed into human oddities and I believe, actually buy the hype that surrounds them.
In two to five years I don't think we will see as many of these reality shows as we do now. I think people are already beginning to think twice about joining an already existing show or embarking on a new one. No one likes to be the but of a joke so I don't see Bravo or other stations continuing to spend millions to keep these types of shows in production. Consumers have been besieged by reality programming. As with anything in life, too much of a good thing is well....just too much.
While revenues are up, viewership is decreasing. Revenues are always behind what viewers want. Its a game of catching up. With the increase of social media, fads are hitting faster and fading even quicker. The time of reality TV programming is drawing to a close. Its just the reality of it.
In the beginning, there was of course PBS's "An American Family." The was done in the 1970's. It followed an average, upper middle-class family, the Louds. Lance, the eldest son came out as openly gay on the show. He is credited with becoming the first gay character on television. As the show progressed, we saw the break-up and finally the divorce of the Louds. There has been subsequent follow up shows, which chronicled Lance Loud's fight with addiction, HIV and finally death. This was America's first taste at what has become a wildly popular format for television programming.
We can safely assume An American Family was the catalyst for the ground breaking MTV show, "The Real World." I have watched every single episode of The Real World for 27 years. I guess you could say I was a reality junky long before it was popular to be so. The all to familiar tag line, "This is a true story of seven strangers picked to live in house, work together and have their lives taped...to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real", has become one of the most widely known tag lines of all times.
The Real World had been hailed as tackling such difficult and sensitive issues as racial, sexuality, AIDS and substance abuse issues as was being encountered by MTV's core audience, 20 somethings. It has since been very discredited as being just a platform for immature and irresponsible behavior. I tend to think the shows beginning was good. It really did show how seven complete strangers coming from seven different social, economic and ethnic backgrounds lived when thrown into a fish bowl and taped. At some point it became to formulaic and now we see seven barely legal young adults who drink far to much and just cavort in front of a camera for the simple reason of being the most outrageous on the cast.
While most believe that Andy Cohen is the founder or creator of The Real Housewives franchises, he is not. Scott Dunlop was the original creator of the first housewives show, The Real Housewives of Orange County. I don't think its a stretch to see how An American Family, The Real World didn't factor into Scott Dunlop creating a show chronicling the lavish lifestyles of beautiful women living behind the gates in a very upscale town in California. It certainly fits into the reality/documentary format/genre.
What this show has done, as well as, the other housewife franchises, is to ignite the publics preoccupation with what the rich and beautiful are doing. What started out as entertaining and light has evolved into a very dark and dangerous format for programming.
We have seen the "reality format" from start to finish. Each time it is used it pervades our social consciousness, and becomes larger than its last incarnation. We can see from the plethora of reality shows such as Honey Boo Boo, Duck Dynasty and others that television producers now recognize the public's taste for all things reality.
Reality celebs that have been created by this genre are beginning to show the signs of wear and tear. Such notables as Kim Richards, who alcoholism and alleged drug abuse spiraled out of control during the filming of her show, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Taylor Armstrong is yet another fine example of how reality show programming is destroying those who are involved. The death of Russell Armstrong is a directly connected to his wife being on the show and bashing him and his financial problems. I really don't think Russell would have killed himself for any other reason than his entire downfall was being captured by the film crew of Bravo TV.
Not long ago we saw the addition of The Real Housewives of DC to Bravo's franchises. We watched in object horror as Michaele Salahi and her husband Tareq crashed a White House dinner under the careful gaze of the camera's from Bravo. I believe this is a direct result for the show not being renewed for another season. I am sure the other cast mates would also say their lives have been negatively impacted by what transpired on the show.
In a way, the reality/documentary format/genre is still the same as when it originated. It begins as ground breaking. It serves to educate and entertain the public. At some point though, it begins its inevitable decent into darkness. The players involved ultimately become nothing more than characters of themselves. There is "planned or scripted" drama. Events are re-enacted for the sole purpose of getting it correctly for the cameras. People get hurt, lives are ruptured and the public is faced with watching a train wreck.
I remember how adorable Jon and Kate Plus 8 was when it first started airing. Lets not forget how badly that show and family ended. Everything has a beginning, a middle and an end. I think we are seeing the reality genre begin to fade. As the years march on, the people on these shows have morphed into human oddities and I believe, actually buy the hype that surrounds them.
In two to five years I don't think we will see as many of these reality shows as we do now. I think people are already beginning to think twice about joining an already existing show or embarking on a new one. No one likes to be the but of a joke so I don't see Bravo or other stations continuing to spend millions to keep these types of shows in production. Consumers have been besieged by reality programming. As with anything in life, too much of a good thing is well....just too much.
While revenues are up, viewership is decreasing. Revenues are always behind what viewers want. Its a game of catching up. With the increase of social media, fads are hitting faster and fading even quicker. The time of reality TV programming is drawing to a close. Its just the reality of it.
Friday, February 15, 2013
My Very Heavy Heart
Originally composed on December 3, 2012
I have been struggling for the last few days with a very tough and very personal problem. As you know I recently wrote a blog entitled, "A Loss Of Innocence". It was about a person who had recently come into my life. I guess you could say that we were getting to know each other and almost cyber dating, if there is such a thing. Anyhow, since the writing of that blog where I chronicled Chris's vicious attack by his Uncle and cousin due to his homosexuality, much has come to light.
As many of you know, I am a para-legal by trade. I reached out to a couple of lawyers I consider to be friends in regards to Chris and his situation. Chris had reported to me that he had received death threats in his mail box. I was becoming alarmed. I knew he told me that charges had been brought against his Uncle & cousin, but I knew there wasn't any form of Restraining Order. I knew he was very hesitant to call Victim Services and reach out for the help they might be able to provide. So you can understand my concern. I felt reaching out to lawyers I knew and seeing if there was anything they might know or do to help me help Chris was logical.
I gave a friend, John, the information Chris had given me. Name, county, etc. of where the incident happened. Johnny is a lawyer, has worked for such heavy hitters as Legg Mason, Lamba Legal Defense Fund and is now in private practice. I received a call from John early Friday morning. He said he could find no record of what happened anywhere for the entire state on the date in question. I told him that the state in particular was in the buckle of the bible belt and people move slowly. Its not uncommon for a police report to take up to 4 weeks to reach any sort of search able data base. He informed me that he and his husband spent over 3 hours calling all the court houses within a 3 hour distance of Chris and his home. Nothing. They also informed me there wasn't any record of an Uncle by the name Chris had given me. You can imagine what started flashing through my mind. I thanked them for their help and hung up the phone.
I was stunned. I saw a picture of Chris. Very badly bruised. Hideous injuries on his body. I was told the police man had given Chris this pic. I reached out to another friend, who is a captain on a police force in Virginia Beach, VA. He told me not only would it be against most departmental rules, but against most rules of evidence to give a pic to a victim. When I related the entire story to him, his reply was, "sounds very fishy to me. How well do you know this person?" I admitted that although I had spoken to him a dozen or more times on the phone and on Twitter, that was the extent of my knowledge of him. I got off the phone and spent most of Friday and Saturday deep in thought.
I was shocked. Chris seemed to be very sensitive and sweet. I was at first very insulted and then the ramifications of all that had transpired started to filter in. I had blogged about this. My followers on Twitter had reached out and been very kind and supportive to Chris. I felt the anger in me rising. I wanted to know why? I wanted the truth.
I never said anything to Chris all weekend until I started noticing his tweets. On Sunday evening he called and we spoke. He was very quick to get off the phone. He kept asking if everything was okay. I kept saying yes. I decided after we got off the phone to do a little reading on Twitter. I started reading his tweets. I noticed that he was talking about me as if I had hurt him. As if I was treating him badly. I was more than angry. I picked up the phone and called him. I decided to confront him and get his side of the story. I was tired of seeing his , "Why doesn't anyone love me", "Why do people say they care and then pull the rug out from under me" bullshit tweets that color me as an asshole.
I simply stated that I didn't believe he was attacked. I told him I, nor others could find anything in regards to what happened to him. I related other things that had bothered me. For instance, a house that was raided by the FBI (giggles) for being a meth lab and them taking a dog out of the house and placing handcuffs on the dog. I got dead silence from him on the phone. I asked him to prove me wrong. I told him I wanted to be wrong. If he could prove me wrong I would apologize and really work with my therapist to not be such a paranoid bitch. I asked for a pic of the discharge paperwork from the hospital, something, anything from the police, a copy of the discharge paperwork from the walk in clinic that he went to when he supposedly had torn his stitches, something. He asked why? I told him his story was not adding up and I needed something to prove me wrong. He hung up on me.
I called back and got his voice mail. I got a text from him that simply said, "I am not a liar". At this point I just sat down and got very sad. Once again I had opened my heart and once again had a person step all over it. This time though it was public. I felt used and I felt my Twitter followers had been duped and used too! I decided to try to call him one more time. In an attempt to get to the bottom of this whole mess. He answered. He was crying. I told him to please prove me wrong. He kept asking why? This was going nowhere and I was tired. I told him unless he showed some actual proof of what happened, if anything, I was done. We would have no further contact.
Fast forward to today. I received several emails from Chris. One stated he had lied about what had happened. "It was not as bad as I told you," he wrote. The next was I will scan something and email it to you. I received an email about 9:30 a.m. today with nothing other than the word "proof" typed in the email. I emailed him back and told him there was no attachment and to call when he got out of class tonight. As of the writing of this blog, I have not heard anything from him. He has tweeted that he will be deleting his twitter account after today. I am hoping he will call so that I can get to the truth of what happened.
I feel the need to apologize to those who follow me on Twitter who offered Chris support and showed him compassion. As many of you know, I rave about the great people I interact with on Twitter. I love you guys so much. I am sorry that this mess touched you and bow at the overwhelming amount of concern, support and caring that you showed Chris. Thank you.
I could go on and condemn Chris. To lie about being gay bashed is a cardinal sin in my world. It comparable to saying you have Cancer and really not. I actually pity him. I hope he gets the help he needs to get past this and I am sure other lies. My anger has evaporated. I will wait until 10 pm tonight to see if he does call to post this blog.
UPDATE: February 2013
I spoke with Chris. This is what he told me. His Uncle, cousin did not attack him. It was a verbal argument. No charges were pressed. The picture he emailed me was an old picture when he fell working with his Dad. He was crying. He asked for my forgiveness.
I think Chris is lonely. I think Chris has little or no self-esteem or self-worth. Some may think I am stupid but I felt the need to show some compassion. Chris and I continued to talk. I felt I needed to help him and be patient with him. I guess at some point it evolved into something more. I fell for the sweet, funny and sensitive Chris he presented to me. What I didn't know was the new and hurtful lies he continued to spin. All for his own selfish gain. He was presenting himself as something he wasn't. Maybe I needed to be with someone too much? Maybe I wanted to believe he was changing and working on himself? I don't know.
Basically, since this fable of epic proportions there have been many other lies. In depth, long, lies. After speaking with my therapist, I decided Chris, in my opinion, had many other issues that were larger than what I could help him with. This has morphed into something much larger than just lying. He goes into great detail and keeps adding to them and gets very angry when confronted with his lies. I feel Chris invents these lies, dare I say alternate realities, because there is something lacking in him or his life. He lies as easily as I swallow water. It is very worrisome.
I was angry, hurt and now I am feeling sad. I pity Chris. He has a lot of trouble ahead of him unless he gets some professional help. I always believe every person deserves a second chance. I gave that to Chris and instead of taking the gift of forgiveness and running with it, he decided to continue on as he had been. This shows me there are much larger issues here other than just honesty.
This has been a journey for me. I have braved many inner demons. I have learned a lot. The biggest lesson I have learned is to always trust my gut reaction. I have learned to treat myself with more respect. Most of all I have learned to constantly be in contact with myself. Had I listened to myself I wouldn't be here now. From the beginning I saw the signs but thought I was doing the right thing in extending my hand and eventually my heart to someone I thought just needed a little love and understanding. Love and understanding are gifts which should be given to those who are worthy. I gave them to Chris and I guess he was not at a place in his personal journey to accept them.
Chris is aware of this blog. He has read the beginning up to the Update part. He is aware that I will be posting this. Our agreement after his gay bashing lie was, if you lie again, I will post the blog. He agreed. I feel conflicted about posting this but feel since our friendship/relationship played out on line, then maybe it should conclude on line.
I wish Chris the best. I hope he changes his ways. I hope I find a man who is in touch with himself enough to be comfortable in his own skin. A man who, no matter what his economic, job status is happy with himself. Most of all I wish peace for everyone involved in this quasi psycho thriller. I hope for healing. Namastae
I have been struggling for the last few days with a very tough and very personal problem. As you know I recently wrote a blog entitled, "A Loss Of Innocence". It was about a person who had recently come into my life. I guess you could say that we were getting to know each other and almost cyber dating, if there is such a thing. Anyhow, since the writing of that blog where I chronicled Chris's vicious attack by his Uncle and cousin due to his homosexuality, much has come to light.
As many of you know, I am a para-legal by trade. I reached out to a couple of lawyers I consider to be friends in regards to Chris and his situation. Chris had reported to me that he had received death threats in his mail box. I was becoming alarmed. I knew he told me that charges had been brought against his Uncle & cousin, but I knew there wasn't any form of Restraining Order. I knew he was very hesitant to call Victim Services and reach out for the help they might be able to provide. So you can understand my concern. I felt reaching out to lawyers I knew and seeing if there was anything they might know or do to help me help Chris was logical.
I gave a friend, John, the information Chris had given me. Name, county, etc. of where the incident happened. Johnny is a lawyer, has worked for such heavy hitters as Legg Mason, Lamba Legal Defense Fund and is now in private practice. I received a call from John early Friday morning. He said he could find no record of what happened anywhere for the entire state on the date in question. I told him that the state in particular was in the buckle of the bible belt and people move slowly. Its not uncommon for a police report to take up to 4 weeks to reach any sort of search able data base. He informed me that he and his husband spent over 3 hours calling all the court houses within a 3 hour distance of Chris and his home. Nothing. They also informed me there wasn't any record of an Uncle by the name Chris had given me. You can imagine what started flashing through my mind. I thanked them for their help and hung up the phone.
I was stunned. I saw a picture of Chris. Very badly bruised. Hideous injuries on his body. I was told the police man had given Chris this pic. I reached out to another friend, who is a captain on a police force in Virginia Beach, VA. He told me not only would it be against most departmental rules, but against most rules of evidence to give a pic to a victim. When I related the entire story to him, his reply was, "sounds very fishy to me. How well do you know this person?" I admitted that although I had spoken to him a dozen or more times on the phone and on Twitter, that was the extent of my knowledge of him. I got off the phone and spent most of Friday and Saturday deep in thought.
I was shocked. Chris seemed to be very sensitive and sweet. I was at first very insulted and then the ramifications of all that had transpired started to filter in. I had blogged about this. My followers on Twitter had reached out and been very kind and supportive to Chris. I felt the anger in me rising. I wanted to know why? I wanted the truth.
I never said anything to Chris all weekend until I started noticing his tweets. On Sunday evening he called and we spoke. He was very quick to get off the phone. He kept asking if everything was okay. I kept saying yes. I decided after we got off the phone to do a little reading on Twitter. I started reading his tweets. I noticed that he was talking about me as if I had hurt him. As if I was treating him badly. I was more than angry. I picked up the phone and called him. I decided to confront him and get his side of the story. I was tired of seeing his , "Why doesn't anyone love me", "Why do people say they care and then pull the rug out from under me" bullshit tweets that color me as an asshole.
I simply stated that I didn't believe he was attacked. I told him I, nor others could find anything in regards to what happened to him. I related other things that had bothered me. For instance, a house that was raided by the FBI (giggles) for being a meth lab and them taking a dog out of the house and placing handcuffs on the dog. I got dead silence from him on the phone. I asked him to prove me wrong. I told him I wanted to be wrong. If he could prove me wrong I would apologize and really work with my therapist to not be such a paranoid bitch. I asked for a pic of the discharge paperwork from the hospital, something, anything from the police, a copy of the discharge paperwork from the walk in clinic that he went to when he supposedly had torn his stitches, something. He asked why? I told him his story was not adding up and I needed something to prove me wrong. He hung up on me.
I called back and got his voice mail. I got a text from him that simply said, "I am not a liar". At this point I just sat down and got very sad. Once again I had opened my heart and once again had a person step all over it. This time though it was public. I felt used and I felt my Twitter followers had been duped and used too! I decided to try to call him one more time. In an attempt to get to the bottom of this whole mess. He answered. He was crying. I told him to please prove me wrong. He kept asking why? This was going nowhere and I was tired. I told him unless he showed some actual proof of what happened, if anything, I was done. We would have no further contact.
Fast forward to today. I received several emails from Chris. One stated he had lied about what had happened. "It was not as bad as I told you," he wrote. The next was I will scan something and email it to you. I received an email about 9:30 a.m. today with nothing other than the word "proof" typed in the email. I emailed him back and told him there was no attachment and to call when he got out of class tonight. As of the writing of this blog, I have not heard anything from him. He has tweeted that he will be deleting his twitter account after today. I am hoping he will call so that I can get to the truth of what happened.
I feel the need to apologize to those who follow me on Twitter who offered Chris support and showed him compassion. As many of you know, I rave about the great people I interact with on Twitter. I love you guys so much. I am sorry that this mess touched you and bow at the overwhelming amount of concern, support and caring that you showed Chris. Thank you.
I could go on and condemn Chris. To lie about being gay bashed is a cardinal sin in my world. It comparable to saying you have Cancer and really not. I actually pity him. I hope he gets the help he needs to get past this and I am sure other lies. My anger has evaporated. I will wait until 10 pm tonight to see if he does call to post this blog.
UPDATE: February 2013
I spoke with Chris. This is what he told me. His Uncle, cousin did not attack him. It was a verbal argument. No charges were pressed. The picture he emailed me was an old picture when he fell working with his Dad. He was crying. He asked for my forgiveness.
I think Chris is lonely. I think Chris has little or no self-esteem or self-worth. Some may think I am stupid but I felt the need to show some compassion. Chris and I continued to talk. I felt I needed to help him and be patient with him. I guess at some point it evolved into something more. I fell for the sweet, funny and sensitive Chris he presented to me. What I didn't know was the new and hurtful lies he continued to spin. All for his own selfish gain. He was presenting himself as something he wasn't. Maybe I needed to be with someone too much? Maybe I wanted to believe he was changing and working on himself? I don't know.
Basically, since this fable of epic proportions there have been many other lies. In depth, long, lies. After speaking with my therapist, I decided Chris, in my opinion, had many other issues that were larger than what I could help him with. This has morphed into something much larger than just lying. He goes into great detail and keeps adding to them and gets very angry when confronted with his lies. I feel Chris invents these lies, dare I say alternate realities, because there is something lacking in him or his life. He lies as easily as I swallow water. It is very worrisome.
I was angry, hurt and now I am feeling sad. I pity Chris. He has a lot of trouble ahead of him unless he gets some professional help. I always believe every person deserves a second chance. I gave that to Chris and instead of taking the gift of forgiveness and running with it, he decided to continue on as he had been. This shows me there are much larger issues here other than just honesty.
This has been a journey for me. I have braved many inner demons. I have learned a lot. The biggest lesson I have learned is to always trust my gut reaction. I have learned to treat myself with more respect. Most of all I have learned to constantly be in contact with myself. Had I listened to myself I wouldn't be here now. From the beginning I saw the signs but thought I was doing the right thing in extending my hand and eventually my heart to someone I thought just needed a little love and understanding. Love and understanding are gifts which should be given to those who are worthy. I gave them to Chris and I guess he was not at a place in his personal journey to accept them.
Chris is aware of this blog. He has read the beginning up to the Update part. He is aware that I will be posting this. Our agreement after his gay bashing lie was, if you lie again, I will post the blog. He agreed. I feel conflicted about posting this but feel since our friendship/relationship played out on line, then maybe it should conclude on line.
I wish Chris the best. I hope he changes his ways. I hope I find a man who is in touch with himself enough to be comfortable in his own skin. A man who, no matter what his economic, job status is happy with himself. Most of all I wish peace for everyone involved in this quasi psycho thriller. I hope for healing. Namastae
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Bang Bang - The Absurd Continuance Of The Gun Debate
To ban guns or not is the question or is it? I think there are bigger problems with our society than whether or not we should be allowed to purchase, own and use guns. While chatting with a friend recently I made the comment that when babies are killing other babies there is something fundamentally wrong with our culture.
When a child is pushed to such an extreme place, in their mind or heart, as to think picking up a gun and driving to a school, crowded restaurant, or movie theater and randomly killing innocent men, women and children is an answer, the whole question of whether or not to ban guns is a moot point for me. Its not the gun folks, its our culture.
I will not and cannot profess to have any of the answers but I feel something is broke in our society. Poverty, hunger, lack of access to medical care and respect for our fellow man seem to be just a cursory overview of what I see as some of the contributing factors to the up tick in violence in our society.
let us ponder this question, is it worse for someone to live in one of the richest countries, in the history of the world, to see first hand wealth but not have any of it or for the person who lives in a third world country where everyone is poor? To live in a country where adequate medical access is available down the road but a person is unable to access it? How about a person who is hungry and hasn't eaten well in years and yet turns on a TV and sees nothing but food commercials and is told that to receive food stamps and be over weight is a wrong? I really think if I were to be poor, hungry and in need of medical attention I would prefer to live in a country where everyone else is poor, hungry and dying of very curable diseases. I wouldn't have to be slapped in the face with the knowledge that probably next door my neighbor is eating a nice meal, being warm, and has just gotten over a serious illness without ruining their credit or losing their home, everyone around me would be in the same boat. Misery loves company and in this instance I think it preferable.
Our children, those little ones we all can agree need to be loved, nurtured and protected are showing the signs of post traumatic stress disorder. The levels of stress that are more easily carried as adults is destroying our children. We all know children are sponges. They absorb everything. They hear, see and feel everything that is around them. Both consciously and with their little sub-conscious minds. The violence, lack of respect and seemingly lack of hope I see on their little faces is but a symptom of how, as adults, as a society we have failed.
When our children go on killing sprees, bully other children to such an extent that it has become a form of torture it should be the wake up call that we have failed. Failed as parents, members of a society, and guardians of future generations. I am not so concerned whether or not the citizens of this country have guns because I know that happy, well adjusted people do not take a gun and walk into a school and kill 26 adults and children. What we need to do is fix the underlying problems that are filtering down and exhibiting themselves in our children . The saying shit roles down hill holds true. Unfortunately, our children are at the bottom of the hill.
Many years ago I was in Liberia. This was in the mid 90's. Liberia is a country that was formed for ex-slaves wishing to return to Africa. Its a country that has been ravaged by constant war, poverty and violence. The average level of education in Liberia is on 6th grade. For a country rich in oil, diamonds and lumber there is mostly poverty.
I traveled there with my friend who had been born and raised in Liberia. One of the first things that struck me after we touched down at the national airport was the lack of anything medium. We traveled to just outside of Monrovia, the capital city. While driving threw the capital I noticed either extreme wealth or extreme poverty. People were either healthy looking or appearing to be on the edge of starvation. Nothing in between. Just extremes.
When we pulled up to my friends home it was surrounded completely by high walls. Once inside the gates it was as if we had entered another world. His family's home was nice. I asked his mother why a country rich in natural resources was so poor? Her remark has stayed with me the rest of my life. She replied, "when your fellow man ceases to care about you the whole of society is diminished."
I really think this is one of the core issues that is facing our country today. I believe if we can spend our time, energy and money on finding ways to improve our fellow man the level of violence will drop. Happy people do not kill each other. Think of the money which has only recently been spent on the whole gun control debate. I wonder if that money would have been better spent getting a consortium of great minds together to come up with a way to eradicate hunger, poverty, to educate our fellow man. I just have to sit back and wonder.
I am not, by the writing of this blog, supporting gun right's proponents nor am I endorsing the removal of the right to have guns. For me, the question is much more complex. I am more concerned with removing the causes which contribute to gun violence. I want to see our country resolve the issues which are destroying us. I will say it again, poverty, hunger, homelessness, lack of education, hopelessness, fear, intolerance, and inequality appear, to me, to be at the root of the ills which are ripping apart our society.
Just as with any other problem, guns are the end result of much deeper, underlying issues and until we, as a society, nation and world really address the problems which lead to violence, especially gun violence, we are doomed to see violence increase time and time again. We have to say no more.
We have to stop finger pointing in this country and personally, each and everyone of us, take responsibility for what is happening. We must come to a universal agreement that business as usual is no longer working and we must dig deep within ourselves to find the answers.
I believe when any one person suffers we all suffer. Pain and suffering are like a cancer. It grows and is contagious. It spreads from one person to another. We have the ability to change and end that syndrome The work we do today will enable us to see a better tomorrow. This is what we all want right?
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