My Very Heavy Heart

Originally composed on December 3, 2012

I have been struggling for the last few days with a very tough and very personal problem.  As you know I recently wrote a blog entitled, "A Loss Of Innocence".  It was about a person who had recently come into my life.  I guess you could say that we were getting to know each other and almost cyber dating, if there is such a thing.  Anyhow, since the writing of that blog where I chronicled Chris's vicious attack by his Uncle and cousin due to his homosexuality, much has come to light.

As many of you know, I am a para-legal by trade.  I reached out to a couple of lawyers I consider to be friends in regards to Chris and his situation.  Chris had reported to me that he had received death threats in his mail box.  I was becoming alarmed.  I knew he told me that charges had been brought against his Uncle & cousin, but I knew there wasn't any form of Restraining Order.  I knew he was very hesitant to call Victim Services and reach out for the help they might be able to provide.  So you can understand my concern.  I felt reaching out to lawyers I knew and seeing if there was anything they might know or do to help me help Chris was logical.

I gave a friend, John, the information Chris had given me.  Name, county, etc. of where the incident happened.  Johnny is a lawyer, has worked for such heavy hitters as Legg Mason, Lamba Legal Defense Fund and is now in private practice.  I received a call from John early Friday morning.  He said he could find no record of what happened anywhere for the entire state on the date in question.  I told him that the state in particular was in the buckle of the bible belt and people move slowly.  Its not uncommon for a police report to take up to 4 weeks to reach any sort of search able data base.  He informed me that he and his husband spent over 3 hours calling all the court houses within a 3 hour distance of Chris and his home.  Nothing.  They also informed me there wasn't any record of an Uncle by the name Chris had given me.  You can imagine what started flashing through my mind.  I thanked them for their help and hung up the phone.

I was stunned.  I saw a picture of Chris.  Very badly bruised.  Hideous injuries on his body.  I was told the police man had given Chris this pic.  I reached out to another friend, who is a captain on a police force in Virginia Beach, VA.  He told me not only would it be against most departmental rules, but against most rules of evidence to give a pic to a victim.  When I related the entire story to him, his reply was, "sounds very fishy to me.  How well do you know this person?"  I admitted that although I had spoken to him a dozen or more times on the phone and on Twitter, that was the extent of my knowledge of him.  I got off the phone and spent most of Friday and Saturday deep in thought.

I was shocked.  Chris seemed to be very sensitive and sweet.  I was at first very insulted and then the ramifications of all that had transpired started to filter in.  I had blogged about this.  My followers on Twitter had reached out and been very kind and supportive to Chris.  I felt the anger in me rising.  I wanted to know why?  I wanted the truth.

I never said anything to Chris all weekend until I started noticing his tweets.  On Sunday evening he called and we spoke.  He was very quick to get off the phone.  He kept asking if everything was okay.  I kept saying yes.  I decided after we got off the phone to do a little reading on Twitter.  I started reading his tweets.  I noticed that he was talking about me as if I had hurt him.  As if I was treating him badly.  I was more than angry.  I picked up the phone and called him.  I decided to confront him and get his side of the story.  I was tired of seeing his , "Why doesn't anyone love me", "Why do people say they care and then pull the rug out from under me" bullshit tweets that color me as an asshole.

I simply stated that I didn't believe he was attacked.  I told him I, nor others could find anything in regards to what happened to him.  I related other things that had bothered me.  For instance, a house that was raided by the FBI (giggles) for being a meth lab and them taking a dog out of the house and placing handcuffs on the dog.  I got dead silence from him on the phone.  I asked him to prove me wrong.  I told him I wanted to be wrong.  If he could prove me wrong I would apologize and really work with my therapist to not be such a paranoid bitch.  I asked for a pic of the discharge paperwork from the hospital, something, anything from the police, a copy of the discharge paperwork from the walk in clinic that he went to when he supposedly had torn his stitches, something.  He asked why?  I told him his story was not adding up and I needed something to prove me wrong.  He hung up on me.

I called back and got his voice mail.  I got a text from him that simply said, "I am not a liar".  At this point I just sat down and got very sad.  Once again I had opened my heart and once again had a person step all over it.  This time though it was public.  I felt used and I felt my Twitter followers had been duped and used too!  I decided to try to call him one more time.  In an attempt to get to the bottom of this whole mess.  He answered.  He was crying.  I told him to please prove me wrong.  He kept asking why?  This was going nowhere and I was tired.  I told him unless he showed some actual proof of what happened, if anything, I was done.  We would have no further contact.

Fast forward to today.  I received several emails from Chris.  One stated he had lied about what had happened.  "It was not as bad as I told you," he wrote.  The next was I will scan something and email it to you.  I received an email about 9:30 a.m. today with nothing other than the word "proof" typed in the email.  I emailed him back and told him there was no attachment and to call when he got out of class tonight.  As of the writing of this blog, I have not heard anything from him.  He has tweeted that he will be deleting his twitter account after today.  I am hoping he will call so that I can get to the truth of what happened.

I feel the need to apologize to those who follow me on Twitter who offered Chris support and showed him compassion.  As many of you know, I rave about the great people I interact with on Twitter.  I love you guys so much.  I am sorry that this mess touched you and bow at the overwhelming amount of concern, support and caring that you showed Chris.  Thank you.

I could go on and condemn Chris.  To lie about being gay bashed is a cardinal sin in my world.  It comparable to saying you have Cancer and really not.  I actually pity him.  I hope he gets the help he needs to get past this and I am sure other lies.  My anger has evaporated.  I will wait until 10 pm tonight to see if he does call to post this blog.

UPDATE:  February 2013


I spoke with Chris.  This is what he told me.  His Uncle, cousin did not attack him.  It was a verbal argument.  No charges were pressed.  The picture he emailed me was an old picture when he fell working with his Dad.  He was crying.  He asked for my forgiveness.

I think Chris is lonely.  I think Chris has little or no self-esteem or self-worth.  Some may think I am stupid but I felt the need to show some compassion.  Chris and I continued to talk.  I felt I needed to help him and be patient with him.  I guess at some point it evolved into something more.  I fell for the sweet, funny and sensitive Chris he presented to me.  What I didn't know was the new and hurtful lies he continued to spin.  All for his own selfish gain.  He was presenting himself as something he wasn't.  Maybe I needed to be with someone too much?  Maybe I wanted to believe he was changing and working on himself?  I don't know.  

Basically, since this fable of epic proportions there have been many other lies.  In depth, long, lies.  After speaking with my therapist, I decided Chris, in my opinion, had many other issues that were larger than what I could help him with.  This has morphed into something much larger than just lying.  He goes into great detail and keeps adding to them and gets very angry when confronted with his lies.  I feel Chris invents these lies, dare I say alternate realities, because there is something lacking in him or his life.  He lies as easily as I swallow water.  It is very worrisome.

I was angry, hurt and now I am feeling sad.  I pity Chris.  He has a lot of trouble ahead of him unless he gets some professional help.  I always believe every person deserves a second chance.  I gave that to Chris and instead of taking the gift of forgiveness and running with it, he decided to continue on as he had been.  This shows me there are much larger issues here other than just honesty.

This has been a journey for me.  I have braved many inner demons.  I have learned a lot.  The biggest lesson I have learned is to always trust my gut reaction.  I have learned to treat myself with more respect.  Most of all I have learned to constantly be in contact with myself.  Had I listened to myself I wouldn't be here now.  From the beginning I saw the signs but thought I was doing the right thing in extending my hand and eventually my heart to someone I thought just needed a little love and understanding.  Love and understanding are gifts which should be given to those who are worthy.  I gave them to Chris and I guess he was not at a place in his personal journey to accept them.

Chris is aware of this blog.  He has read the beginning up to the Update part.  He is aware that I will be posting this.  Our agreement after his gay bashing lie was, if you lie again, I will post the blog.  He agreed.  I feel conflicted about posting this but feel since our friendship/relationship played out on line, then maybe it should conclude on line.  

I wish Chris the best.  I hope he changes his ways.  I hope I find a man who is in touch with himself enough to be comfortable in his own skin.  A man who, no matter what his economic, job status is happy with himself.  Most of all I wish peace for everyone involved in this quasi psycho thriller.  I hope for healing.  Namastae