Last year I wrote an open letter to my mother and posted on my blog. I sent her the very same letter. I had mixed emotions in finally letting go. Somehow the crazy, the emotional and physical abuse was familiar to me and in actually standing up and saying no more, I knew the familiar was going to be gone. This year on Mother's day I want to talk about what it feels like to heal from the abuse of a mother/parent.
I have spent many years feeling angry and playing the victim. I was angry at the world for not helping me, angry at G-d for making that woman my mother, and angry at everyone else who'd had a better childhood than I did. Everyday I would see the scars on my body from Mom and rage would fill my body. I would spend nights crying. I would spend Mother's Day starving myself out of guilt for not calling Mom. I would cry every birthday when I didn't get a birthday card in the mail from Mom.
I know it must sound silly, after everything that Mom did to me, that I had feelings of guilt, shame or expectations of love from her, but for a long time I still had hope. I needed and wanted a mom; someone to call for cooking advice, for housecleaning advice, and someone to lean on and for help when I needed it. I felt ashamed and embarrassed when a holiday or event rolled around and no one in my family showed up or called to congratulate me. I started thinking and believing I was the problem; maybe I was as bad as she had said for all those years.
Then I allowed Mom back into my life, ever so shortly, and I finally realized I was never the problem and that she was never going to change or admit that she had done anything wrong. When I came back to Connecticut to help her, I was hoping she was a new woman; the mom I had always dreamed of. But talk about a pipe dream. Mom was never going to change because she doesn't want to change. I would like to think that she is so ashamed of what she did to me as a child that she has blocked it out and maybe really has forgotten everything she put me through, but my gut tells me that she remembers and thinks she was justified in everything she did.
I haven't spoken to Mom since she decided to have me arrested. After the charges were dropped because the Police realized she was just a huge liar, I decided she was no longer welcome in my life or home. It was a hard decision but a right one. Last year I sent her a letter taking back my power and letting her know I remember and was no longer ashamed.
I still think of my mother every day. I think of her now with pity, not anger. I pity her for throwing away her life. I pity her for losing out on a relationship with me. I pity her for being so sad and miserable that the only way she could deal with her feelings was to torture her own child. If my mother taught me anything, it was how NOT TO PARENT and how to NOT live my life.
Writing that letter to Mom last year helped me release years of anger, hurt and shame. Writing these blogs helps continue the process of healing, helping me to finally shut the door on that chapter in my life. I can move on now! I am a handsome guy, strong man, a brother and a friend. I am proud of what I have overcome, what I have accomplished and what is yet to come. The future looks bright.
My sincere hope in writing and sharing last years letter to Mom and this years blog is to show those people out there, who feel alone, full of shame, anger and hurt, they can heal. They can heal and actually move beyond the legacy of pain which I know they feel separates them from the world.
There are so many of us in the world. We are the freaks, the losers, the ones who have dirty clothes and everyone loves to tease. I am constantly amazed every time I share my story just how many people come out of the shadows to say they too suffered at the hand of a parent. I always extend my hand and just hold theirs and look deeply into their eyes. Letting them know I know and its going to be okay.
So many people take for granted they have a good, kind and loving parent. Don't. Hold them tightly and be very thankful, grateful even. Many don't. In telling my story I have claimed my power back. My mother no longer has a hold over me. I am not sure if I completely forgive her yet. I think on some levels I do but its an on going process.
My life is good. My life is what I make of it. I am not a victim anymore. I am the defender of my life, my feelings and my heart. I am thankful for all those women who showed me a mother's love and all it could be. This blog is in honor of them. Thank you ladies! Without you I would never have known what a mother's love felt like. Happy Mother's Day!
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