There are times in our lives when we are faced with people or situations where we are often left not understanding, angry or even hurting. Many of you have often heard me utter the phrase, "its all about perspective." Today as I sat waiting for the bus I thought I would share how I sometimes am able to change a very hurtful or trying situation into one that will ultimately benefit me as I go about my journey or this little old thing called life.
Changing perspective is never easy. If it was then most of the conflicts or misunderstanding in the world would never take place. Its a choice. I choose to see the lesson I have been given the opportunity to learn. This is not always the easiest of things to do, especially when I feel someone has either wronged or hurt me in some way. I can either choose to learn or find ways to either get even or ahead of someone or something. For me, to learn is to never have to repeat a particularly troublesome event.
Life presents us with what I like to call Thresholds. Thresholds are an important way for me to transition from say anger to understanding. Thresholds are "defining moments when intention crystallizes into choice." Each threshold or doorway figuratively or literally, transports us to the next situation in which to be present, authentic and/or to learn from.
Each of us every single day pass through these thresholds. These can be experienced as movement in a physical way, as through a door or through a doorway of time (for example, deadlines, schedules, etc.) or through emotional doorways (moving into and out of feelings) or even energy doorways (levels of hunger, tiredness and vitality). What ever form a threshold or doorway takes, it can be a chance to set a personal intention for each moment of that transition.
Buddha spoke of this when he said:
"It is unwise to do things that bring regret
And require repentance,
To cause suffering for oneself
And a weeping and tearful face.
It is wise to do things which do not require repentance
But bring joy and fulfillment,
Happiness and delight."
I find it useful to set an intention when transitioning through a threshold. It only takes a few seconds and allows me to focus on the purpose of each move. Basically, in a broader sense, it gives direction to my day. I can often be found taking a moment of silence, a pause with a deep breath and then mentally saying the following words.
In the next minute,
may I be open to each moment,
May my actions be kind,
May they be beneficial,
May they be of service, either to myself or others.
Seeing life and all of its challenges as a series of thresholds helps me to define how I choose to see, react or learn from life. The intentions I use to walk through these thresholds help me to be centered, focused, present and to relieve anxiety that comes with transitions.
When a tough situation comes my way I see it as a threshold. I know I will experience the situation and then transition through a threshold into a new situation or better yet, a deeper understanding of myself. Life is about choices. We are constantly moving through thresholds, learning, growing and evolving. For me, conflict, strife and hurt are ways to understand more about me. I could concentrate on why someone did something to hurt me or something happened to affect me but I would rather forget the reason why and move on to understanding. Hopefully I have taken or learned what I need to so I do not have to repeat this worrisome situation.
How many of you have ever said, "why does this keep happening to me over and over again?" The answer is simple, for me at least, you have not learned the lesson that was given to you. So you are doomed to repeat painful, stressful situations until you learn what you need to equip you to move on.
I choose to grow. Repeating painful situations for me it excruciating and frustrating for me. To have to feel the same stress, anger and pain over and over again is, for me, a cosmic waste of valuable time and energy. Time and energy I could be using to enjoy life. Even when I feel someone has done me very wrong. I will take a moment to see if there was any other way I might have conducted myself so that when I am presented with a similar situation I can have a better outcome.
Its never easy to see painful or stressful life situations as a series of choices or thresholds. It takes a personal commitment to change. It also takes a lot of practice. Instead of externalizing or finger pointing I choose to look inward and evaluate myself and my actions. I don't always succeed but the effort and commitment are there and I feel I have grown as a person greatly from this practice.
I realized after growing up with a very abusive mother that I wasted many years and much energy and trying to figure out the whys of her actions. I choose now to look back and let her deal with the whys of her actions. I needed to concentrate of me, my reactions, my feelings and ultimately, my healing from the abuse she did to me. This sped up my healing process immensely. Its not about the other person or outside factors, but rather about what we take from situations that is important.
I could have chosen to be biter, resentful and even damaged by what my mother did. Instead I chose to heal. To grow, to learn and to move forward in my own life. I CHOSE my direction. My journey has not affected my mother. She is still the same damaged woman I know and even love, but I am not that hurt little child anymore. I am a grown man who has a better understanding of himself because of what I experienced as a child.
We have no control over what happens or comes our way in life..but....we do have control over how we react to it. If you take nothing from this blog other than life is a series of choices then I will be happy. Each moment is a door, each feeling is an opportunity to grow. To grow and become the best person you can be. Each day is a series of choices and thresholds...how you walk through or decide is ultimately up to you and only about you.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Who Spilled The Reality Tea
I am always amazed at how reality shows has woven themselves into our lives. Its a curious set of circumstances which have combined and collided to bring us to where the social impact of reality TV programming can be felt in every strata of our lives.
In the beginning, there was of course PBS's "An American Family." The was done in the 1970's. It followed an average, upper middle-class family, the Louds. Lance, the eldest son came out as openly gay on the show. He is credited with becoming the first gay character on television. As the show progressed, we saw the break-up and finally the divorce of the Louds. There has been subsequent follow up shows, which chronicled Lance Loud's fight with addiction, HIV and finally death. This was America's first taste at what has become a wildly popular format for television programming.
We can safely assume An American Family was the catalyst for the ground breaking MTV show, "The Real World." I have watched every single episode of The Real World for 27 years. I guess you could say I was a reality junky long before it was popular to be so. The all to familiar tag line, "This is a true story of seven strangers picked to live in house, work together and have their lives taped...to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real", has become one of the most widely known tag lines of all times.
The Real World had been hailed as tackling such difficult and sensitive issues as racial, sexuality, AIDS and substance abuse issues as was being encountered by MTV's core audience, 20 somethings. It has since been very discredited as being just a platform for immature and irresponsible behavior. I tend to think the shows beginning was good. It really did show how seven complete strangers coming from seven different social, economic and ethnic backgrounds lived when thrown into a fish bowl and taped. At some point it became to formulaic and now we see seven barely legal young adults who drink far to much and just cavort in front of a camera for the simple reason of being the most outrageous on the cast.
While most believe that Andy Cohen is the founder or creator of The Real Housewives franchises, he is not. Scott Dunlop was the original creator of the first housewives show, The Real Housewives of Orange County. I don't think its a stretch to see how An American Family, The Real World didn't factor into Scott Dunlop creating a show chronicling the lavish lifestyles of beautiful women living behind the gates in a very upscale town in California. It certainly fits into the reality/documentary format/genre.
What this show has done, as well as, the other housewife franchises, is to ignite the publics preoccupation with what the rich and beautiful are doing. What started out as entertaining and light has evolved into a very dark and dangerous format for programming.
We have seen the "reality format" from start to finish. Each time it is used it pervades our social consciousness, and becomes larger than its last incarnation. We can see from the plethora of reality shows such as Honey Boo Boo, Duck Dynasty and others that television producers now recognize the public's taste for all things reality.
Reality celebs that have been created by this genre are beginning to show the signs of wear and tear. Such notables as Kim Richards, who alcoholism and alleged drug abuse spiraled out of control during the filming of her show, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Taylor Armstrong is yet another fine example of how reality show programming is destroying those who are involved. The death of Russell Armstrong is a directly connected to his wife being on the show and bashing him and his financial problems. I really don't think Russell would have killed himself for any other reason than his entire downfall was being captured by the film crew of Bravo TV.
Not long ago we saw the addition of The Real Housewives of DC to Bravo's franchises. We watched in object horror as Michaele Salahi and her husband Tareq crashed a White House dinner under the careful gaze of the camera's from Bravo. I believe this is a direct result for the show not being renewed for another season. I am sure the other cast mates would also say their lives have been negatively impacted by what transpired on the show.
In a way, the reality/documentary format/genre is still the same as when it originated. It begins as ground breaking. It serves to educate and entertain the public. At some point though, it begins its inevitable decent into darkness. The players involved ultimately become nothing more than characters of themselves. There is "planned or scripted" drama. Events are re-enacted for the sole purpose of getting it correctly for the cameras. People get hurt, lives are ruptured and the public is faced with watching a train wreck.
I remember how adorable Jon and Kate Plus 8 was when it first started airing. Lets not forget how badly that show and family ended. Everything has a beginning, a middle and an end. I think we are seeing the reality genre begin to fade. As the years march on, the people on these shows have morphed into human oddities and I believe, actually buy the hype that surrounds them.
In two to five years I don't think we will see as many of these reality shows as we do now. I think people are already beginning to think twice about joining an already existing show or embarking on a new one. No one likes to be the but of a joke so I don't see Bravo or other stations continuing to spend millions to keep these types of shows in production. Consumers have been besieged by reality programming. As with anything in life, too much of a good thing is well....just too much.
While revenues are up, viewership is decreasing. Revenues are always behind what viewers want. Its a game of catching up. With the increase of social media, fads are hitting faster and fading even quicker. The time of reality TV programming is drawing to a close. Its just the reality of it.
In the beginning, there was of course PBS's "An American Family." The was done in the 1970's. It followed an average, upper middle-class family, the Louds. Lance, the eldest son came out as openly gay on the show. He is credited with becoming the first gay character on television. As the show progressed, we saw the break-up and finally the divorce of the Louds. There has been subsequent follow up shows, which chronicled Lance Loud's fight with addiction, HIV and finally death. This was America's first taste at what has become a wildly popular format for television programming.
We can safely assume An American Family was the catalyst for the ground breaking MTV show, "The Real World." I have watched every single episode of The Real World for 27 years. I guess you could say I was a reality junky long before it was popular to be so. The all to familiar tag line, "This is a true story of seven strangers picked to live in house, work together and have their lives taped...to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real", has become one of the most widely known tag lines of all times.
The Real World had been hailed as tackling such difficult and sensitive issues as racial, sexuality, AIDS and substance abuse issues as was being encountered by MTV's core audience, 20 somethings. It has since been very discredited as being just a platform for immature and irresponsible behavior. I tend to think the shows beginning was good. It really did show how seven complete strangers coming from seven different social, economic and ethnic backgrounds lived when thrown into a fish bowl and taped. At some point it became to formulaic and now we see seven barely legal young adults who drink far to much and just cavort in front of a camera for the simple reason of being the most outrageous on the cast.
While most believe that Andy Cohen is the founder or creator of The Real Housewives franchises, he is not. Scott Dunlop was the original creator of the first housewives show, The Real Housewives of Orange County. I don't think its a stretch to see how An American Family, The Real World didn't factor into Scott Dunlop creating a show chronicling the lavish lifestyles of beautiful women living behind the gates in a very upscale town in California. It certainly fits into the reality/documentary format/genre.
What this show has done, as well as, the other housewife franchises, is to ignite the publics preoccupation with what the rich and beautiful are doing. What started out as entertaining and light has evolved into a very dark and dangerous format for programming.
We have seen the "reality format" from start to finish. Each time it is used it pervades our social consciousness, and becomes larger than its last incarnation. We can see from the plethora of reality shows such as Honey Boo Boo, Duck Dynasty and others that television producers now recognize the public's taste for all things reality.
Reality celebs that have been created by this genre are beginning to show the signs of wear and tear. Such notables as Kim Richards, who alcoholism and alleged drug abuse spiraled out of control during the filming of her show, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Taylor Armstrong is yet another fine example of how reality show programming is destroying those who are involved. The death of Russell Armstrong is a directly connected to his wife being on the show and bashing him and his financial problems. I really don't think Russell would have killed himself for any other reason than his entire downfall was being captured by the film crew of Bravo TV.
Not long ago we saw the addition of The Real Housewives of DC to Bravo's franchises. We watched in object horror as Michaele Salahi and her husband Tareq crashed a White House dinner under the careful gaze of the camera's from Bravo. I believe this is a direct result for the show not being renewed for another season. I am sure the other cast mates would also say their lives have been negatively impacted by what transpired on the show.
In a way, the reality/documentary format/genre is still the same as when it originated. It begins as ground breaking. It serves to educate and entertain the public. At some point though, it begins its inevitable decent into darkness. The players involved ultimately become nothing more than characters of themselves. There is "planned or scripted" drama. Events are re-enacted for the sole purpose of getting it correctly for the cameras. People get hurt, lives are ruptured and the public is faced with watching a train wreck.
I remember how adorable Jon and Kate Plus 8 was when it first started airing. Lets not forget how badly that show and family ended. Everything has a beginning, a middle and an end. I think we are seeing the reality genre begin to fade. As the years march on, the people on these shows have morphed into human oddities and I believe, actually buy the hype that surrounds them.
In two to five years I don't think we will see as many of these reality shows as we do now. I think people are already beginning to think twice about joining an already existing show or embarking on a new one. No one likes to be the but of a joke so I don't see Bravo or other stations continuing to spend millions to keep these types of shows in production. Consumers have been besieged by reality programming. As with anything in life, too much of a good thing is well....just too much.
While revenues are up, viewership is decreasing. Revenues are always behind what viewers want. Its a game of catching up. With the increase of social media, fads are hitting faster and fading even quicker. The time of reality TV programming is drawing to a close. Its just the reality of it.
Friday, February 15, 2013
My Very Heavy Heart
Originally composed on December 3, 2012
I have been struggling for the last few days with a very tough and very personal problem. As you know I recently wrote a blog entitled, "A Loss Of Innocence". It was about a person who had recently come into my life. I guess you could say that we were getting to know each other and almost cyber dating, if there is such a thing. Anyhow, since the writing of that blog where I chronicled Chris's vicious attack by his Uncle and cousin due to his homosexuality, much has come to light.
As many of you know, I am a para-legal by trade. I reached out to a couple of lawyers I consider to be friends in regards to Chris and his situation. Chris had reported to me that he had received death threats in his mail box. I was becoming alarmed. I knew he told me that charges had been brought against his Uncle & cousin, but I knew there wasn't any form of Restraining Order. I knew he was very hesitant to call Victim Services and reach out for the help they might be able to provide. So you can understand my concern. I felt reaching out to lawyers I knew and seeing if there was anything they might know or do to help me help Chris was logical.
I gave a friend, John, the information Chris had given me. Name, county, etc. of where the incident happened. Johnny is a lawyer, has worked for such heavy hitters as Legg Mason, Lamba Legal Defense Fund and is now in private practice. I received a call from John early Friday morning. He said he could find no record of what happened anywhere for the entire state on the date in question. I told him that the state in particular was in the buckle of the bible belt and people move slowly. Its not uncommon for a police report to take up to 4 weeks to reach any sort of search able data base. He informed me that he and his husband spent over 3 hours calling all the court houses within a 3 hour distance of Chris and his home. Nothing. They also informed me there wasn't any record of an Uncle by the name Chris had given me. You can imagine what started flashing through my mind. I thanked them for their help and hung up the phone.
I was stunned. I saw a picture of Chris. Very badly bruised. Hideous injuries on his body. I was told the police man had given Chris this pic. I reached out to another friend, who is a captain on a police force in Virginia Beach, VA. He told me not only would it be against most departmental rules, but against most rules of evidence to give a pic to a victim. When I related the entire story to him, his reply was, "sounds very fishy to me. How well do you know this person?" I admitted that although I had spoken to him a dozen or more times on the phone and on Twitter, that was the extent of my knowledge of him. I got off the phone and spent most of Friday and Saturday deep in thought.
I was shocked. Chris seemed to be very sensitive and sweet. I was at first very insulted and then the ramifications of all that had transpired started to filter in. I had blogged about this. My followers on Twitter had reached out and been very kind and supportive to Chris. I felt the anger in me rising. I wanted to know why? I wanted the truth.
I never said anything to Chris all weekend until I started noticing his tweets. On Sunday evening he called and we spoke. He was very quick to get off the phone. He kept asking if everything was okay. I kept saying yes. I decided after we got off the phone to do a little reading on Twitter. I started reading his tweets. I noticed that he was talking about me as if I had hurt him. As if I was treating him badly. I was more than angry. I picked up the phone and called him. I decided to confront him and get his side of the story. I was tired of seeing his , "Why doesn't anyone love me", "Why do people say they care and then pull the rug out from under me" bullshit tweets that color me as an asshole.
I simply stated that I didn't believe he was attacked. I told him I, nor others could find anything in regards to what happened to him. I related other things that had bothered me. For instance, a house that was raided by the FBI (giggles) for being a meth lab and them taking a dog out of the house and placing handcuffs on the dog. I got dead silence from him on the phone. I asked him to prove me wrong. I told him I wanted to be wrong. If he could prove me wrong I would apologize and really work with my therapist to not be such a paranoid bitch. I asked for a pic of the discharge paperwork from the hospital, something, anything from the police, a copy of the discharge paperwork from the walk in clinic that he went to when he supposedly had torn his stitches, something. He asked why? I told him his story was not adding up and I needed something to prove me wrong. He hung up on me.
I called back and got his voice mail. I got a text from him that simply said, "I am not a liar". At this point I just sat down and got very sad. Once again I had opened my heart and once again had a person step all over it. This time though it was public. I felt used and I felt my Twitter followers had been duped and used too! I decided to try to call him one more time. In an attempt to get to the bottom of this whole mess. He answered. He was crying. I told him to please prove me wrong. He kept asking why? This was going nowhere and I was tired. I told him unless he showed some actual proof of what happened, if anything, I was done. We would have no further contact.
Fast forward to today. I received several emails from Chris. One stated he had lied about what had happened. "It was not as bad as I told you," he wrote. The next was I will scan something and email it to you. I received an email about 9:30 a.m. today with nothing other than the word "proof" typed in the email. I emailed him back and told him there was no attachment and to call when he got out of class tonight. As of the writing of this blog, I have not heard anything from him. He has tweeted that he will be deleting his twitter account after today. I am hoping he will call so that I can get to the truth of what happened.
I feel the need to apologize to those who follow me on Twitter who offered Chris support and showed him compassion. As many of you know, I rave about the great people I interact with on Twitter. I love you guys so much. I am sorry that this mess touched you and bow at the overwhelming amount of concern, support and caring that you showed Chris. Thank you.
I could go on and condemn Chris. To lie about being gay bashed is a cardinal sin in my world. It comparable to saying you have Cancer and really not. I actually pity him. I hope he gets the help he needs to get past this and I am sure other lies. My anger has evaporated. I will wait until 10 pm tonight to see if he does call to post this blog.
UPDATE: February 2013
I spoke with Chris. This is what he told me. His Uncle, cousin did not attack him. It was a verbal argument. No charges were pressed. The picture he emailed me was an old picture when he fell working with his Dad. He was crying. He asked for my forgiveness.
I think Chris is lonely. I think Chris has little or no self-esteem or self-worth. Some may think I am stupid but I felt the need to show some compassion. Chris and I continued to talk. I felt I needed to help him and be patient with him. I guess at some point it evolved into something more. I fell for the sweet, funny and sensitive Chris he presented to me. What I didn't know was the new and hurtful lies he continued to spin. All for his own selfish gain. He was presenting himself as something he wasn't. Maybe I needed to be with someone too much? Maybe I wanted to believe he was changing and working on himself? I don't know.
Basically, since this fable of epic proportions there have been many other lies. In depth, long, lies. After speaking with my therapist, I decided Chris, in my opinion, had many other issues that were larger than what I could help him with. This has morphed into something much larger than just lying. He goes into great detail and keeps adding to them and gets very angry when confronted with his lies. I feel Chris invents these lies, dare I say alternate realities, because there is something lacking in him or his life. He lies as easily as I swallow water. It is very worrisome.
I was angry, hurt and now I am feeling sad. I pity Chris. He has a lot of trouble ahead of him unless he gets some professional help. I always believe every person deserves a second chance. I gave that to Chris and instead of taking the gift of forgiveness and running with it, he decided to continue on as he had been. This shows me there are much larger issues here other than just honesty.
This has been a journey for me. I have braved many inner demons. I have learned a lot. The biggest lesson I have learned is to always trust my gut reaction. I have learned to treat myself with more respect. Most of all I have learned to constantly be in contact with myself. Had I listened to myself I wouldn't be here now. From the beginning I saw the signs but thought I was doing the right thing in extending my hand and eventually my heart to someone I thought just needed a little love and understanding. Love and understanding are gifts which should be given to those who are worthy. I gave them to Chris and I guess he was not at a place in his personal journey to accept them.
Chris is aware of this blog. He has read the beginning up to the Update part. He is aware that I will be posting this. Our agreement after his gay bashing lie was, if you lie again, I will post the blog. He agreed. I feel conflicted about posting this but feel since our friendship/relationship played out on line, then maybe it should conclude on line.
I wish Chris the best. I hope he changes his ways. I hope I find a man who is in touch with himself enough to be comfortable in his own skin. A man who, no matter what his economic, job status is happy with himself. Most of all I wish peace for everyone involved in this quasi psycho thriller. I hope for healing. Namastae
I have been struggling for the last few days with a very tough and very personal problem. As you know I recently wrote a blog entitled, "A Loss Of Innocence". It was about a person who had recently come into my life. I guess you could say that we were getting to know each other and almost cyber dating, if there is such a thing. Anyhow, since the writing of that blog where I chronicled Chris's vicious attack by his Uncle and cousin due to his homosexuality, much has come to light.
As many of you know, I am a para-legal by trade. I reached out to a couple of lawyers I consider to be friends in regards to Chris and his situation. Chris had reported to me that he had received death threats in his mail box. I was becoming alarmed. I knew he told me that charges had been brought against his Uncle & cousin, but I knew there wasn't any form of Restraining Order. I knew he was very hesitant to call Victim Services and reach out for the help they might be able to provide. So you can understand my concern. I felt reaching out to lawyers I knew and seeing if there was anything they might know or do to help me help Chris was logical.
I gave a friend, John, the information Chris had given me. Name, county, etc. of where the incident happened. Johnny is a lawyer, has worked for such heavy hitters as Legg Mason, Lamba Legal Defense Fund and is now in private practice. I received a call from John early Friday morning. He said he could find no record of what happened anywhere for the entire state on the date in question. I told him that the state in particular was in the buckle of the bible belt and people move slowly. Its not uncommon for a police report to take up to 4 weeks to reach any sort of search able data base. He informed me that he and his husband spent over 3 hours calling all the court houses within a 3 hour distance of Chris and his home. Nothing. They also informed me there wasn't any record of an Uncle by the name Chris had given me. You can imagine what started flashing through my mind. I thanked them for their help and hung up the phone.
I was stunned. I saw a picture of Chris. Very badly bruised. Hideous injuries on his body. I was told the police man had given Chris this pic. I reached out to another friend, who is a captain on a police force in Virginia Beach, VA. He told me not only would it be against most departmental rules, but against most rules of evidence to give a pic to a victim. When I related the entire story to him, his reply was, "sounds very fishy to me. How well do you know this person?" I admitted that although I had spoken to him a dozen or more times on the phone and on Twitter, that was the extent of my knowledge of him. I got off the phone and spent most of Friday and Saturday deep in thought.
I was shocked. Chris seemed to be very sensitive and sweet. I was at first very insulted and then the ramifications of all that had transpired started to filter in. I had blogged about this. My followers on Twitter had reached out and been very kind and supportive to Chris. I felt the anger in me rising. I wanted to know why? I wanted the truth.
I never said anything to Chris all weekend until I started noticing his tweets. On Sunday evening he called and we spoke. He was very quick to get off the phone. He kept asking if everything was okay. I kept saying yes. I decided after we got off the phone to do a little reading on Twitter. I started reading his tweets. I noticed that he was talking about me as if I had hurt him. As if I was treating him badly. I was more than angry. I picked up the phone and called him. I decided to confront him and get his side of the story. I was tired of seeing his , "Why doesn't anyone love me", "Why do people say they care and then pull the rug out from under me" bullshit tweets that color me as an asshole.
I simply stated that I didn't believe he was attacked. I told him I, nor others could find anything in regards to what happened to him. I related other things that had bothered me. For instance, a house that was raided by the FBI (giggles) for being a meth lab and them taking a dog out of the house and placing handcuffs on the dog. I got dead silence from him on the phone. I asked him to prove me wrong. I told him I wanted to be wrong. If he could prove me wrong I would apologize and really work with my therapist to not be such a paranoid bitch. I asked for a pic of the discharge paperwork from the hospital, something, anything from the police, a copy of the discharge paperwork from the walk in clinic that he went to when he supposedly had torn his stitches, something. He asked why? I told him his story was not adding up and I needed something to prove me wrong. He hung up on me.
I called back and got his voice mail. I got a text from him that simply said, "I am not a liar". At this point I just sat down and got very sad. Once again I had opened my heart and once again had a person step all over it. This time though it was public. I felt used and I felt my Twitter followers had been duped and used too! I decided to try to call him one more time. In an attempt to get to the bottom of this whole mess. He answered. He was crying. I told him to please prove me wrong. He kept asking why? This was going nowhere and I was tired. I told him unless he showed some actual proof of what happened, if anything, I was done. We would have no further contact.
Fast forward to today. I received several emails from Chris. One stated he had lied about what had happened. "It was not as bad as I told you," he wrote. The next was I will scan something and email it to you. I received an email about 9:30 a.m. today with nothing other than the word "proof" typed in the email. I emailed him back and told him there was no attachment and to call when he got out of class tonight. As of the writing of this blog, I have not heard anything from him. He has tweeted that he will be deleting his twitter account after today. I am hoping he will call so that I can get to the truth of what happened.
I feel the need to apologize to those who follow me on Twitter who offered Chris support and showed him compassion. As many of you know, I rave about the great people I interact with on Twitter. I love you guys so much. I am sorry that this mess touched you and bow at the overwhelming amount of concern, support and caring that you showed Chris. Thank you.
I could go on and condemn Chris. To lie about being gay bashed is a cardinal sin in my world. It comparable to saying you have Cancer and really not. I actually pity him. I hope he gets the help he needs to get past this and I am sure other lies. My anger has evaporated. I will wait until 10 pm tonight to see if he does call to post this blog.
UPDATE: February 2013
I spoke with Chris. This is what he told me. His Uncle, cousin did not attack him. It was a verbal argument. No charges were pressed. The picture he emailed me was an old picture when he fell working with his Dad. He was crying. He asked for my forgiveness.
I think Chris is lonely. I think Chris has little or no self-esteem or self-worth. Some may think I am stupid but I felt the need to show some compassion. Chris and I continued to talk. I felt I needed to help him and be patient with him. I guess at some point it evolved into something more. I fell for the sweet, funny and sensitive Chris he presented to me. What I didn't know was the new and hurtful lies he continued to spin. All for his own selfish gain. He was presenting himself as something he wasn't. Maybe I needed to be with someone too much? Maybe I wanted to believe he was changing and working on himself? I don't know.
Basically, since this fable of epic proportions there have been many other lies. In depth, long, lies. After speaking with my therapist, I decided Chris, in my opinion, had many other issues that were larger than what I could help him with. This has morphed into something much larger than just lying. He goes into great detail and keeps adding to them and gets very angry when confronted with his lies. I feel Chris invents these lies, dare I say alternate realities, because there is something lacking in him or his life. He lies as easily as I swallow water. It is very worrisome.
I was angry, hurt and now I am feeling sad. I pity Chris. He has a lot of trouble ahead of him unless he gets some professional help. I always believe every person deserves a second chance. I gave that to Chris and instead of taking the gift of forgiveness and running with it, he decided to continue on as he had been. This shows me there are much larger issues here other than just honesty.
This has been a journey for me. I have braved many inner demons. I have learned a lot. The biggest lesson I have learned is to always trust my gut reaction. I have learned to treat myself with more respect. Most of all I have learned to constantly be in contact with myself. Had I listened to myself I wouldn't be here now. From the beginning I saw the signs but thought I was doing the right thing in extending my hand and eventually my heart to someone I thought just needed a little love and understanding. Love and understanding are gifts which should be given to those who are worthy. I gave them to Chris and I guess he was not at a place in his personal journey to accept them.
Chris is aware of this blog. He has read the beginning up to the Update part. He is aware that I will be posting this. Our agreement after his gay bashing lie was, if you lie again, I will post the blog. He agreed. I feel conflicted about posting this but feel since our friendship/relationship played out on line, then maybe it should conclude on line.
I wish Chris the best. I hope he changes his ways. I hope I find a man who is in touch with himself enough to be comfortable in his own skin. A man who, no matter what his economic, job status is happy with himself. Most of all I wish peace for everyone involved in this quasi psycho thriller. I hope for healing. Namastae
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Bang Bang - The Absurd Continuance Of The Gun Debate
To ban guns or not is the question or is it? I think there are bigger problems with our society than whether or not we should be allowed to purchase, own and use guns. While chatting with a friend recently I made the comment that when babies are killing other babies there is something fundamentally wrong with our culture.
When a child is pushed to such an extreme place, in their mind or heart, as to think picking up a gun and driving to a school, crowded restaurant, or movie theater and randomly killing innocent men, women and children is an answer, the whole question of whether or not to ban guns is a moot point for me. Its not the gun folks, its our culture.
I will not and cannot profess to have any of the answers but I feel something is broke in our society. Poverty, hunger, lack of access to medical care and respect for our fellow man seem to be just a cursory overview of what I see as some of the contributing factors to the up tick in violence in our society.
let us ponder this question, is it worse for someone to live in one of the richest countries, in the history of the world, to see first hand wealth but not have any of it or for the person who lives in a third world country where everyone is poor? To live in a country where adequate medical access is available down the road but a person is unable to access it? How about a person who is hungry and hasn't eaten well in years and yet turns on a TV and sees nothing but food commercials and is told that to receive food stamps and be over weight is a wrong? I really think if I were to be poor, hungry and in need of medical attention I would prefer to live in a country where everyone else is poor, hungry and dying of very curable diseases. I wouldn't have to be slapped in the face with the knowledge that probably next door my neighbor is eating a nice meal, being warm, and has just gotten over a serious illness without ruining their credit or losing their home, everyone around me would be in the same boat. Misery loves company and in this instance I think it preferable.
Our children, those little ones we all can agree need to be loved, nurtured and protected are showing the signs of post traumatic stress disorder. The levels of stress that are more easily carried as adults is destroying our children. We all know children are sponges. They absorb everything. They hear, see and feel everything that is around them. Both consciously and with their little sub-conscious minds. The violence, lack of respect and seemingly lack of hope I see on their little faces is but a symptom of how, as adults, as a society we have failed.
When our children go on killing sprees, bully other children to such an extent that it has become a form of torture it should be the wake up call that we have failed. Failed as parents, members of a society, and guardians of future generations. I am not so concerned whether or not the citizens of this country have guns because I know that happy, well adjusted people do not take a gun and walk into a school and kill 26 adults and children. What we need to do is fix the underlying problems that are filtering down and exhibiting themselves in our children . The saying shit roles down hill holds true. Unfortunately, our children are at the bottom of the hill.
Many years ago I was in Liberia. This was in the mid 90's. Liberia is a country that was formed for ex-slaves wishing to return to Africa. Its a country that has been ravaged by constant war, poverty and violence. The average level of education in Liberia is on 6th grade. For a country rich in oil, diamonds and lumber there is mostly poverty.
I traveled there with my friend who had been born and raised in Liberia. One of the first things that struck me after we touched down at the national airport was the lack of anything medium. We traveled to just outside of Monrovia, the capital city. While driving threw the capital I noticed either extreme wealth or extreme poverty. People were either healthy looking or appearing to be on the edge of starvation. Nothing in between. Just extremes.
When we pulled up to my friends home it was surrounded completely by high walls. Once inside the gates it was as if we had entered another world. His family's home was nice. I asked his mother why a country rich in natural resources was so poor? Her remark has stayed with me the rest of my life. She replied, "when your fellow man ceases to care about you the whole of society is diminished."
I really think this is one of the core issues that is facing our country today. I believe if we can spend our time, energy and money on finding ways to improve our fellow man the level of violence will drop. Happy people do not kill each other. Think of the money which has only recently been spent on the whole gun control debate. I wonder if that money would have been better spent getting a consortium of great minds together to come up with a way to eradicate hunger, poverty, to educate our fellow man. I just have to sit back and wonder.
I am not, by the writing of this blog, supporting gun right's proponents nor am I endorsing the removal of the right to have guns. For me, the question is much more complex. I am more concerned with removing the causes which contribute to gun violence. I want to see our country resolve the issues which are destroying us. I will say it again, poverty, hunger, homelessness, lack of education, hopelessness, fear, intolerance, and inequality appear, to me, to be at the root of the ills which are ripping apart our society.
Just as with any other problem, guns are the end result of much deeper, underlying issues and until we, as a society, nation and world really address the problems which lead to violence, especially gun violence, we are doomed to see violence increase time and time again. We have to say no more.
We have to stop finger pointing in this country and personally, each and everyone of us, take responsibility for what is happening. We must come to a universal agreement that business as usual is no longer working and we must dig deep within ourselves to find the answers.
I believe when any one person suffers we all suffer. Pain and suffering are like a cancer. It grows and is contagious. It spreads from one person to another. We have the ability to change and end that syndrome The work we do today will enable us to see a better tomorrow. This is what we all want right?
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