This last week has been one for the record books in my life. It seems the stronger, deeper, more "in touch" with myself I get the more my family seems to look at me with a stink eye. As many of you already know my life for the past 10 years has been one of personal reconstruction. I had what I like to lovingly refer to as my "cosmic melt down.". I had a complete nervous, emotional and mental breakdown. For whatever the reasons it was epic. The last 10 or so years have been about finding myself and finally becoming the person I should have always been. I don't want this blog to be about the reasons why I was lead to that point years ago, but rather the struggles I have encounter since.
In every family, whether its founded or unfounded there is the family scapegoat. I know many of you reading this are shaking your heads. I know some very successful scapegoats and others well...lets just say they live up to the title. I have always said that I gave my family most of the ammunition they ever needed to place me in the role of scapegoat. After my melt down. I decided I didn't want to have that role with my family. My mother is the abuser, my step Dad the victim and my sister was the uber successful one. We all had our roles. I just didn't like being the screw up, the equivalent of a black hole of emotional need any more. Whether it was the therapies, the medications or simply just the realization that I mattered, I decided and started to make my journey from scapegoat to just a "supporting character" role within my family.
I can see how the family unit, as fuckered up as we are, functioned and have had tried to understand that role changes within any family can upset the apple cart. It wasn't just about how I felt in my role of scapegoat but also as to how the others related to me. They had learned over the years to relate to me as the son, brother, cousin who was always in some sort of drama or personal hell. They related to me parent to child. Once I started to really work on myself, become more stable and even dare I say, successful on a personal front, the dynamics changed. These changes were not easy for those around me in the family. I got it and even accepted a lot of bad behavior because I new they were on a journey with me and while I had embarked on this journey, they didn't necessarily sign up for one. I was changing was prepared to do the work but they, they had just had this thrown on them. So I decided to be patient and gently help them to see this new me was going to be better and all the support, attention and etc. was not going to be needed so much anymore. I basically wanted to say, "hey, I know I was a heavy person to have around before, but I am really trying to just be a better person and easier to be around."
As time went on I found the stronger, better medicated, more therapied me more to my liking and I began to see things differently, act differently. This cause the family to get more angry. I would like to think most of this dynamic went on under the surface. Very unconsciously. After this week, I know I was just deluding myself. It was very much and still is very much at the forefront of their minds.
A little background. My family saw me as a liar, thief, drug addict, drunk, and half wit. Reality doesn't really factor into most of what they thought. My mother saw to it that lies about me were spread from an early age. As to the why she would do that, I don't think I will ever know. Suffice to say, my sister, Aunt, cousins and brother all believed her. I would do things like get into an abusive relationship, go through a period of heavy drinking and that would be all my mother would need to have to be able to point at me and say to all, "see I told you so. I told you he was a fuck up."
I don't do that anymore. I am stable, mature and really keep the drama to a minimum. I am very quiet and closed lipped about what goes on in my life and have really learned to trust myself and my ability to make informed, healthy decisions about myself and my life. I got rid of all the toxic people and still am working on not being so toxic to myself. I don't accept the role of scapegoat any longer.
I am Lucien now. I deserve, demand and require respect, love and tolerance. I guess my new role in the family is now the "healthy one." I laugh when I think of it, but I really am probably the healthiest of the bunch. I rarely drink, even socially. I don't do any sort of drugs, street or otherwise for recreational use and I am in therapy and under the care of a shrink. My family on the other hand is off the charts in the drama, selfish and out of control departments. I used to think I was the reason my family was so screwed up. My mother really had me on the ropes in thinking that. I can see now they are all in some way damaged and actually my family has many different scapegoats for many different reasons.
This week I guess you could say I reached a point where I just couldn't take anymore crap from any of them. I don't speak with my mother and haven't in years. She is too sick and far to dangerous to be around for me. My little sister has and will always be special to me. I am tearing up as I write this because I had hoped to show her threw my own personal struggles what to avoid, where to be strong and how wonderful I thought she was. I figured if I couldn't be happy, I wanted her to be happy and would have done anything, gone through anything to ensure that. You will then imagine my surprise when I found out exactly what she thought of me this last week.
I am the burden. The one the family always has to watch out for. She has to "sanitize" her home (make sure there isn't any pills or money laying around) before I come over. I am undependable and most of all I have been nothing but an embarrassment to the family. As she told me this I was just shocked. Here I was thinking I had made all this personal growth. Leaps and bounds! Why wasn't she seeing this? Not to mention most of what she said was pure hogwash. But eh, what is truth when dealing with family right?
She continued to prattle on. Letting me know every perceived defect in my life, character and person she saw. Some of the remarks cut me to the quick and others were so obviously more about herself and her life than ever had to do with me. As always, I just stood there. Stunned, teary eyed and feeling really, really misunderstood and alone. One of the ways I have learned to deal with people like my sister is to just sit there and let them wind themselves. They need to get it off their chest and it gives me time to pull in and think. When she was done, she asked me if I had anything to say. I just looked at her and said; "I love you, but to reply to the crap you just said would only give credence to it." It was her turn to be stunned. The old Lucien would have been off and slinging the arrows right back. Being as hurtful, if not more, than I felt I was being hurt. The new Lucien just doesn't see the benefit in doing that. I asked her to leave and told her I felt it was the best if we stopped communicating.
She tried to continue what I am sure she had scripted as an all out war. I just wasn't going to comply. I simply am not the scapegoat anymore and will not, can not...give others the bullets to shoot me with. I looked at her and said if she really thought so low of me, if I was such a burden and embarrassment to her and the family then I understood why she would have to distance herself from me. I also told her "let he who is without sin cast the first stone." She saw red on that remark. I again asked her to leave. Reluctantly she did.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't hurt. I am. This is my beloved little sister. I remember hearing her in my mother's stomach before she was born. I remember her birth. I remember being molested so she wouldn't be. I remember protecting her from my mother. I remember always loving and wanting only the best for her. I remember thinking she was better than me for years. I know now I was being a good older brother. I made mistakes. I did her wrong and I am sure I have hurt her feelings, sometimes deeply. I can say I never did so with any sort of intention. I loved her the best way I knew how.
My casting myself into a new role in the family unit has caused much confusion and strife for them. I am no longer the one who is financially, emotionally and socially a screw up. I have built a life for myself which is filled with healthiness. I honor myself and my feelings. I guess the easiest way to describe it is that I simply grew the fuck up. Stopped acting like the victim/idiot and started being more proactive than reactive in my life. With all of this growth has come some sense of self-esteem and self-worth. Both of which have cause my family to try and pull me back into the role of scapegoat. They simply do not know how to relate to an equal with me. Its just that simple.
I am not saying my sister's role is any easier and I have tried to not cast her in the role the family gave her. In understanding my role and understanding just how detrimental it was to me, I was loath to do the same to her and even to my mother. I have tried to sit down and discuss roles within a family with my sister. Its as she would put, "more psycho babble bullshit" and then brushes it off. Growth is scary for some. They would rather be miserable with a known evil than go into uncharted waters. Sad really.
I know I love my sister. I will always love her. I know I love myself more. I know I have to put myself and my life first. I know at the writing of this blog, she is no longer welcome in my life as she is. I always leave the door open because I do believe people change and if she decides she wants to have a relationship with me based on mutual respect, honesty and loyalty I would welcome it. To continue down the path of me forging a new role for myself and her always trying to force me back into a role in a play which has already closed is just stupid. We never know what tomorrow brings, all we can be is the best people we can be today and hope tomorrow brings us the rewards for the work we did today.
Any actor will tell you they are scared to start a new role. I would be lying if I said I am not scared. I would rather be scared than stagnant. The Lucien play is being written and rewritten and is currently being performed off Broadway...way off Broadway, but I think its a funny, quirky little play and I am happy in my new role as the lead, maybe even a romantic lead in a comedy? Okay, enough with the metaphors...laughs.
Think about your roles within your own families. Think about how you assign roles to your family members. Try to think about who and how those roles were assigned and when? Talk to your brother's, sister's, mother's, and father's about what they see as their roles in the family. I think you find some are happy with their roles and there may even be some who are unhappy with the roles they have. Confining a person to role is stifling and I don't see how it could be rewarding for the person stuck in a role or the person enforcing the role. Try to be open with those you love. Let them, encourage them to step outside of roles they have. Allow them to be...just simply be all they can be. The greatest gift we can give the world is to just live our personal greatest and in doing so offer those around us the same opportunity.
Thanks for reading and remember to love deeply, loudly and constantly even when it seems like your the only one doing it. You matter, I matter...we all matter....
