Mom,
Its been so long since we spoke and I would think you would agree it has been for the best. How are you? Have you found something or someone to bring happiness into your life? The last time we spoke you were angry and full of hate. Can I ask something? What did I ever do to you that made you mad enough to hate me? Do you hate me?
I remember I always had a mouth. I was the type of kid to argue back about anything and everything. Was that enough for you to hate me? I really do think you resent the day you gave birth to me. Proof of this was the day you looked at me and said, "I should have swallowed." I remember my boyfriend looking at me with shock. He couldn't believe a mother would say such a thing to their son. But you and I know you said that and much, much more.
Mom, I have spent the last few years trying to heal from my childhood. A childhood you filled with violence, both verbal and physical, shame and fear. Lets face it Mom, you were a lousy mother. You spent so much time and energy trying to beat and shame me we could never just be happy. Your a miserable person and for years I thought it was because, as you would always say, "your a sick bastard and I should lock you up." I have to ask, what did I do at 10 years old that was so horrible?
I remember all the beatings, the "accidents", the threats, the "punishments". I used to be ashamed. I am not anymore. The one thing I realized as an adult is that we are ultimately responsible for our own happiness. I cannot pretend nor lie anymore about what happened. As the saying goes, it is what it is. It was awful. I also carry no shame for what you did. That is yours to carry.
You know what? I cannot remember a time when something good happened that was not attached to an ugly dark moment. I cannot remember a time in my childhood I did not feel shame and responsible for all the misery you so often told me you suffered. That is sad and you should be ashamed of yourself.
I don't hate you. I don't only blame you. Dad was there. He could have done something to stop you but he never did. He would just sit there and watch you rant, rave and beat me. I hope you get the counseling you so desperately need...so that you could come to terms with what you did to me once and for all. So that you could figure out what happened to you to make you the person that you are today.
Part of the healing process is realizing that I was a child and not responsible for anything. I have heard from every single counselor, doctor and rabbi that I need to forgive you, but keep you away. I am trying but I am not there yet. But what I can do is keep you away.
I guess you could say this is my farewell letter to you. I have to say good-bye so that I can move on with my own life and create a life that is full of love, laughter and most of all peace. I need to be free of you to heal. It would have been better to heal together but I guess your not ready. That is okay. My journey is my own and so is yours.
Your son,
Lucien (a.k.a fucking asshole, retard, sick fuck, piece of shit, liar, jerk-off, pecker head, freak of nature)
